In a nutshell I married a person who has destroyed me financially a few times over, and I cannot leave because I don’t have the money. He’s sort of like a narcissist (like in that vein, not fully but definitely very mentally disturbed), and he decided to get into wine and buy massive quantities simply to make me angry and ruin my life out of spite, after he destroyed my mental health. We had storage space for it at the previous house but got evicted by a landlord who took it back for his family member, and now I live crammed into a two bedroom apartment with 78 boxes of wine that I seldom if ever drink. He ensures he gets everything he wants in life, even when I was down to owning 3 pairs of pants.
It’s incredibly sad and depressing and I can do virtually nothing about it but drag myself between both jobs, spending zero dollars save for my survey money, while he sits on the couch watching hockey 3 hours a night. I have no support and no way out but praying I somehow find time and a plan to make my own business and make enough money to dig out and find somewhere to hide from him.
If you have a red flag in a relationship, run. Not worth it.
I’m so sorry. Can you not sell some of the wine? Would he notice if it was a smaller collection? Just a reminder that financial abuse is abuse, control is abuse, there are shelters for people who are being abused which will get you out of that environment.
He notices if I so much as eat a bowl of cereal he thinks is his alone. Or forget to bring home the knife I took to work to eat lunch with. Or anything. You’ve never met someone so territorial. Once I left my bottle of work hand lotion on the kitchen table after a 16 hour shift and he threw it up the stairs and it burst everywhere, and when I had a screaming fit told me it was my fault for being inconsiderate.
Not kidding. And I can’t leave because I’d never let my dogs get hurt and they sure don’t let you take them to shelters. He’d haunt me to the ends of the earth anyway.
This is abuse, leave. Take the dogs for a walk, go to a friend’s house and call a lawyer or the cops or a womens’ agency. Yes everything will be shit for awhile, get a restraining order and file for legal relief from the debt, you may even be able to sue him for relief of the debt, and if he used your credit without your ok, that is fraud and also illegal.
I know you feel you don’t have the mental strength to leave but if you can survive staying, you definitely do have the strength.
My gf had been in sort of a similar situation. You need to get out. At all costs. Even if you have to leave the dogs.
He will just do whatever he needs to do to keep you desperate and on his leash. So no matter what you do, he won’t met you save money, he won’t give you a chance to get away ever.
The controlling behavior servers to keep you there at his disposal.
He is not going to change. You will have too. So get of your ass and leave. It’s the only chance you have for a real life again. If you don’t, you basically submit and accept that this will be your life forever.
I know that things may seem hopeless, but the situation you are in is affecting the way you think. You can get away, you can have a normal life but you have to decide that it is over and commit to getting away.
I literally have no money and mountains of debt thanks to him. Rent in my city is 2K which I absolutely cannot afford by myself. I don’t know what you think makes me able to do any of this, I really cannot.
Well, it’s only going to get worse. Go to a shelter. There are resources to help with debt, sometimes government programs.
If you stay you’re just digging the hole deeper. Every day you stay you are making it harder for yourself to leave. I know it is difficult.
You’re in a very very shitty situation. But out of all the choices you have available to you, staying is worst one you could possibly pick.
Do you have any friends or family that you can ask for help?
In the end it is your choice to stay or go. But make sure it is an actual choice and not just submitting because you don’t see a way out.
If you go to a shelter or the cops they might be able to at least explain to you what options you have. Perhaps there are numbers you could call for domestic abuse victims?
It is very important that you take action or things will only get worse. And I cannot imagine you want to struggle the rest of your life while he keeps draining you of all your money.
Abuse chances the way you think. It can be fixed. I’ve seen it happen. But you will have to take action, abusers tend to never change.
If you cannot do that, if you keep believing you can’t then you have given up. This is my last reply about this. I wish you the best and hope to hear from you in the future when you are in a better situation.
On the other hand, I am just a stranger on the Internet, so I have no real info about your situation. But I’ve seen hopeless situations like yours before, and I’ve seen them get resolved. So I hope you find a way. Because there always is.
i believe you can do this if you choose and when you’re ready. i won’t lie - it’s not easy, but you may decide if is easier than staying. the dv hotline can direct you to local services, including housing. be careful if you begin to explore your options; he may escalate.
(800) 799-7233. if you can safely search, they also have text and chat contact online.
Get a restraining order on him and make him leave. You keep the apartment and the dogs. Don’t let him back into your life. Alternatively, run, and go to a woman’s shelter.
Won’t happen. They’d never restrain him. It’s too subtle. Nobody considers someone psychologically peeling you apart because you adjust the climate controls in the car by one level for 40 minutes straight abuse. At least not legally.
I am really sorry to hear about your predicament. Idk about Canada, but in the USA there’s an organization called The Family Law Facilitators, and they will help people who don’t have any money in your situation. At the very least they can provide you with options and let you know what’s available to you, legally and otherwise. I strongly suggest you try to find a similar organization in Canada and reach out for some help.
I don’t think that is true. Verbal abuse and threats are considered abuse, that’s assault. Imprisonment is certainly considered abuse. And yes 26 years is a long time but 27 is longer.
It’s your life, obviously. You have to make your own decisions. But do consider the possibility that the reason he’s trained you to think it’s impossible to leave is because it isn’t.
In a nutshell I married a person who has destroyed me financially a few times over, and I cannot leave because I don’t have the money. He’s sort of like a narcissist (like in that vein, not fully but definitely very mentally disturbed), and he decided to get into wine and buy massive quantities simply to make me angry and ruin my life out of spite, after he destroyed my mental health. We had storage space for it at the previous house but got evicted by a landlord who took it back for his family member, and now I live crammed into a two bedroom apartment with 78 boxes of wine that I seldom if ever drink. He ensures he gets everything he wants in life, even when I was down to owning 3 pairs of pants.
It’s incredibly sad and depressing and I can do virtually nothing about it but drag myself between both jobs, spending zero dollars save for my survey money, while he sits on the couch watching hockey 3 hours a night. I have no support and no way out but praying I somehow find time and a plan to make my own business and make enough money to dig out and find somewhere to hide from him.
If you have a red flag in a relationship, run. Not worth it.
I’m so sorry. Can you not sell some of the wine? Would he notice if it was a smaller collection? Just a reminder that financial abuse is abuse, control is abuse, there are shelters for people who are being abused which will get you out of that environment.
He notices if I so much as eat a bowl of cereal he thinks is his alone. Or forget to bring home the knife I took to work to eat lunch with. Or anything. You’ve never met someone so territorial. Once I left my bottle of work hand lotion on the kitchen table after a 16 hour shift and he threw it up the stairs and it burst everywhere, and when I had a screaming fit told me it was my fault for being inconsiderate.
Not kidding. And I can’t leave because I’d never let my dogs get hurt and they sure don’t let you take them to shelters. He’d haunt me to the ends of the earth anyway.
There are 100% shelters that let you take pets, there’s also organisations that foster pets for people escaping abuse.
The statement about haunting you to the end of the earth is a giant red flag. You need to get away. He’s dangerous.
This is abuse, leave. Take the dogs for a walk, go to a friend’s house and call a lawyer or the cops or a womens’ agency. Yes everything will be shit for awhile, get a restraining order and file for legal relief from the debt, you may even be able to sue him for relief of the debt, and if he used your credit without your ok, that is fraud and also illegal.
I know you feel you don’t have the mental strength to leave but if you can survive staying, you definitely do have the strength.
I have nobody to go to is the problem.
My gf had been in sort of a similar situation. You need to get out. At all costs. Even if you have to leave the dogs.
He will just do whatever he needs to do to keep you desperate and on his leash. So no matter what you do, he won’t met you save money, he won’t give you a chance to get away ever.
The controlling behavior servers to keep you there at his disposal.
He is not going to change. You will have too. So get of your ass and leave. It’s the only chance you have for a real life again. If you don’t, you basically submit and accept that this will be your life forever.
I know that things may seem hopeless, but the situation you are in is affecting the way you think. You can get away, you can have a normal life but you have to decide that it is over and commit to getting away.
I literally have no money and mountains of debt thanks to him. Rent in my city is 2K which I absolutely cannot afford by myself. I don’t know what you think makes me able to do any of this, I really cannot.
Well, it’s only going to get worse. Go to a shelter. There are resources to help with debt, sometimes government programs.
If you stay you’re just digging the hole deeper. Every day you stay you are making it harder for yourself to leave. I know it is difficult.
You’re in a very very shitty situation. But out of all the choices you have available to you, staying is worst one you could possibly pick.
Do you have any friends or family that you can ask for help?
In the end it is your choice to stay or go. But make sure it is an actual choice and not just submitting because you don’t see a way out.
If you go to a shelter or the cops they might be able to at least explain to you what options you have. Perhaps there are numbers you could call for domestic abuse victims?
It is very important that you take action or things will only get worse. And I cannot imagine you want to struggle the rest of your life while he keeps draining you of all your money.
I don’t have anyone save for my 86 year old aunt several cities away from where I work and I could not do that to her.
I’ve been in this situation 26 years. It can’t be fixed.
Abuse chances the way you think. It can be fixed. I’ve seen it happen. But you will have to take action, abusers tend to never change.
If you cannot do that, if you keep believing you can’t then you have given up. This is my last reply about this. I wish you the best and hope to hear from you in the future when you are in a better situation.
On the other hand, I am just a stranger on the Internet, so I have no real info about your situation. But I’ve seen hopeless situations like yours before, and I’ve seen them get resolved. So I hope you find a way. Because there always is.
i believe you can do this if you choose and when you’re ready. i won’t lie - it’s not easy, but you may decide if is easier than staying. the dv hotline can direct you to local services, including housing. be careful if you begin to explore your options; he may escalate.
(800) 799-7233. if you can safely search, they also have text and chat contact online.
Get a restraining order on him and make him leave. You keep the apartment and the dogs. Don’t let him back into your life. Alternatively, run, and go to a woman’s shelter.
Won’t happen. They’d never restrain him. It’s too subtle. Nobody considers someone psychologically peeling you apart because you adjust the climate controls in the car by one level for 40 minutes straight abuse. At least not legally.
I am really sorry to hear about your predicament. Idk about Canada, but in the USA there’s an organization called The Family Law Facilitators, and they will help people who don’t have any money in your situation. At the very least they can provide you with options and let you know what’s available to you, legally and otherwise. I strongly suggest you try to find a similar organization in Canada and reach out for some help.
I don’t think that is true. Verbal abuse and threats are considered abuse, that’s assault. Imprisonment is certainly considered abuse. And yes 26 years is a long time but 27 is longer.
It’s your life, obviously. You have to make your own decisions. But do consider the possibility that the reason he’s trained you to think it’s impossible to leave is because it isn’t.
Thanks for sharing. Hop you find a way out of that terrible situation.
There are ways out. Find a women’s shelter. Just go.