ROANOKE, VA—Local claims adjuster David Seaborne, a devoted husband and father of three, died Tuesday at the age of 37 following a long and painful personal battle with a 512-pound eastern lowland gorilla.
This is one of the best Onion articles ever. Read the whole thing.
Probably a squid that’s very jealous about your flying ability
Gliding Squid is a vindictive person
Makes sense. Water-based assholes.