WASHINGTON—Shedding light on the enduring appeal behind assault rifle ownership, a Pew study released Monday revealed that more Americans were buying AR-15s to defend themselves from toddlers who found their guns. “Many Americans stressed that they felt safer knowing they had an AR-15 at the ready in case their toddler stumbled across a shoebox holding a loaded gun on the floor of a closet and started firing away,” said researcher Jonathan Lieu, noting that the majority of AR-15 owners told his team they purchased the lightweight rifle due to their recurring fears about waking in the night to their 2-year-old giggling as they shot bullet holes through the bedroom door. “One response we often heard was that it was a Second Amendment right for gun owners to defend themselves against their own young children. They also stressed that a baseball bat or pepper spray simply wasn’t enough firepower to take down their gun-toting kids.” Lieu added that many Americans also rushed out to purchase tear gas grenades after their children inevitably got their hands on the AR-15s.

  • Hofmaimaier
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    201 year ago

    I couldn’t tell if satire or not. Seriously I am European…

    • @paddirn
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      81 year ago

      It’s obviously satire, we buy AR-15s to protect ourselves from people ringing our doorbells.

      • @FordBeeblebrox
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        71 year ago

        Or if we need to go to Starbucks and clear the room of any wokeness before ordering that latte.

        • seahorse [Ohio]M
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          61 year ago

          Customer: “I’d like a latte with oat milk”

          Guy with AR: deactivates safety on rifle

    • OpenStars
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      51 year ago

      Fwiw, many irl articles started off in the Onion first, before moving over into more mainstream media.

      Yup, America is the place where money makes all your fantasies come true! (Sadly, this extends to Putin and his wealth as well, manufacturing nightmares just as readily)

      • genoxidedev1
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        31 year ago

        I was recently deciding if I want to put the onion in my RSS feed for daily news consumption

        • OpenStars
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          31 year ago

          I can see the tagline now:

          The only “honest” source of “news”!

          (In my head, only one of those two words are in quotes at any one time, but I dunno, maybe they flip back and forth rapidly like a chemical double bond?:-P)

    • genoxidedev1
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      31 year ago

      I mean I knew expected it was the onion but I wouldn’t have been surprised either way. Also from Germany by the way

      • @[email protected]
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        51 year ago

        Onion has always been very good at criticism of US gun control laws. Lot of pieces on that