EDIT: Thanks so much everyone. Great answers. This has been fun. Keep it going as long as you want!

DISCLAIMER: Silly Thought Exercise: NOT AN ENDORSEMENT OF REPLACING BIDEN. I personally do not think replacing Biden is a good idea at this stage in the election. I think that’s more dangerous than keeping him, sadly, but he’s who we’ve got. I’m just looking for shitposty thoughts on this question, please and thank you.

What-over-the-top absurd person would you choose to replace Biden who you think could actually body Trump, and why?

For an example, my choice would be based on the idea that the only thing that makes a bully like Trump wilt is a bigger bully. Secondly, US citizens love trash talking and sports and absolutely will vote for someone who is already famous, they certainly love their celebrities. Finally, what better sport for trash talk than basketball?

In that, my choice would be basketball legend Larry Bird. (he’s famously apolitical, so it’s hard to know if he would actually be politically aligned against Trump.)

…but, the thing is, Larry Bird is a masterclass trash talker.

And that is really what throws Trump off and throws him into obscene tantrums where his composure is lost and he comes off like a whining loser: when he’s been taken down a peg by someone else. Nothing sticks deeper in his craw. I don’t think he could handle Larry Bird’s level of shit-talk, Bird is like god-tier.

I can imagine Bird calling Trump out and saying he can smell his shit-filled diaper from across the auditorium, obviously Bird would describe more colorfully than I. The thing is, I can also see that absolutely throwing Trump into hysterics.

Also, at 67 Bird’s a fucking spring chicken compared to Biden or Trump.

So, I’m hoping for answers that are a bit silly, like this. Larry Bird is obviously not actually a good choice for this. I just like chuckling at the idea, because real life has gotten so absurd I need to hide in even deeper absurdity.

What’s your absurd Biden replacement? Please, I think we could use some laughs.

  • @Postmortal_Pop
    96•5 months ago

    I think Weird Al Yankovic would be the perfect opponent. The absurdity of a political debate where Trump spouts absolute nonsense in a perfectly serious manor while Al lays serious facts in the most nonsensical form would be the show of the century and weird Al has better qualifications for the job by trumps standards having maintained cultural relevancy and financial stability for 4 decades. Plus he’s jest super likeable.

    • Snot FlickermanOPEnglish
      43•5 months ago

      He’s also a perfect counterpoint as a healthy representative of the Christian religion. It’s the reason he doesn’t curse in his songs. He’s a good clean, Christian boy!

      Would they let him respond to debate questions in song with his accordion? Dear GOD I hope so.

      …with Vice President… hang on I’m having trouble reading this… Hot Saucerman? Shock Jockerman? Trick Shotterman? Yacht Rockerman? Who is this guy??

      • Snot FlickermanOPEnglish
        7•5 months ago

        If he ever makes another album, I think you just named it.

        Weird Al - Al Generated

    • @[email protected]
      4•5 months ago

      There are days I just want Terry Crews to run as Camacho. Don’t know where he stands on shit but he can physically crush an opposing world leader and that seems like a start.

  • @[email protected]English
    52•5 months ago

    Sacha Baron Cohen.

    The appeal of Trump’s rhetoric and populist message is entirely subconscious, and doesn’t stand up to even a few moments of critical analysis. Baron Cohen has a genius-level understanding of how to get into people’s heads, and what’s more, he can do it fluently, on-the-fly. His U.S. presidential candidate character would totally dismantle MAGA.

      • @[email protected]
        14•5 months ago

        The guy seems to be able to sweet talk his way in to any room and convince people to do and say the most humiliating things on camera. If him being British become an issue I think he can just act his way out of it and somehow everyone will believe him in spite of it being a publicly known fact.

      • Snot FlickermanOPEnglish
        7•5 months ago

        This is fantasy, who cares. Lots of non-US-born people have been suggested and a bunch of fictional people got suggested, so whatever, you know?

        I’d take Ali G Inda(White)house.

  • mozz
    37•5 months ago

    John Stewart

    Edit: Sorry I meant his brother, Jon Stewart

    • Snot FlickermanOPEnglish
      8•5 months ago

      I’m not even sure if this one is silly as much as it is serious. Too bad Stewart would never want the job!

      • mozz
        6•5 months ago

        I don’t care if he doesn’t want the job

        I think Biden has done great stuff (domestically 🙁) and I would expect good policies from him and obviously a dead plant would be a better president than Trump, but his debate performance is kinda hard to put a good spin on

        And therefore it is clear that what the world needs to see is a Jon Stewart vs Donald Trump debate

    • @Today
      3•5 months ago

      I would be so excited to vote for a Biden/Stewart ticket!!! Jon could continue to do Daily Show Mondays for now, and then take over when it’s time!

      • @[email protected]
        2•5 months ago

        Like the emoluments clause matters any more. He can just collect his salary after he leaves office, as a treat.

  • Kalkaline
    35•5 months ago

    Bill Burr or Jon Stewart, either one of them would absolutely crush Trump on a debate stage and people would line up to watch it.

    • @Zahille7
      22•5 months ago

      I can almost hear Bill going “ohhh, shut the fuck up, ya fat ahrange piece a’ shit!”

    • @Etterra
      16•5 months ago

      While I think Jon Stewart would make a better president than either of those jackasses, that would be such a cruel thing to do to such a good person.

      • Kalkaline
        19•5 months ago

        I don’t know that I want Jon Stewart as a POTUS, I just want him one on one with Trump and Trump isn’t allowed to leave or call off the debate. Jon Stewart is what the Founding Fathers meant the press to be. They wanted the press to be a 4th check on government outside the separation of powers and not a mouthpieces of the government.

    • @[email protected]
      5•5 months ago

      K to the N to the O-P-E
      She’s the dopest little shorty in all Pawnee… Indiana

      But Joe Biden was Leslie’s hero. She’d never run against him.

  • hedders
    23•5 months ago

    Taylor Swift. Not that I think she’s absurd. I just think she’d have absolutely zero time for Trump’s bullshit, and would probably write some very cutting lyrics about it.

  • @[email protected]
    20•5 months ago

    Well, Marshall Mathers in his Slim Shady persona would be interesting. Not sure who I would pair him up with for VP though.

    I figure after 4 years of Slim Shady as President, we would either have world peace or the world would be in pieces.

  • @[email protected]English
    18•5 months ago

    A Martha Stewart/Snoop Dogg ticket would be interesting. I kinda want to see Snoop in the debate though so maybe a Snoop Dogg/Martha Stewart ticket.

    If you want to guarantee a win though Oprah is the answer. Just to maximize Trump’s rage I say we need Oprah/RuPaul 2024.

    • @Snowclone
      4•5 months ago

      Martha would throw biting sarcasm at him until he cried, and Snoop would just laugh his ass off. It would be wonderful.

  • @BarbecueCowboyEnglish
    18•5 months ago

    I found a guy on linkedin that has the same name, just slot him in and pretend nothing happened, wouldn’t even have to change any of the campaign marketing. Dude looks to be in his 20s and manages a coffee place, definitely more than qualified.

    • @Today
      3•5 months ago

      I’ve been trying to watch her show and can’t get into it. I’ll give it another shot.

    • Snot FlickermanOPEnglish
      2•5 months ago

      Oh yeah, Tig’s a great choice, a very measured and cool head in response to his drivel.