I once drove drunk. This was long enough ago the statute of limitations has expired. I shouldn’t have done it, I was really lucky that I didn’t hurt someone or get arrested. For the next 15ish years that I still drank, my limit was 1 drink if I was driving.

This was before Uber & Lyft were a thing, but I still could’ve made arrangements with the bar manager “look dude your bartenders kept serving me when I was visibly drunk, so let me leave my car here overnight without towing it so I can take a cab home, and I won’t say shit to anyone.”

“My hair’s getting a bit long, and my fringe keeps getting in my eyes. It can’t be that hard to give it a little trim, right?” 5 minutes later “…I’m going out for dinner in just over an hour. How quickly can I get to a hairdressers?”

Reaching out to catch the falling hatchet I’d just finished sharpening. 13 stitches…

Joined the Army thinking I was going to do some good in the world for my country.

When I was a dumb kid, me and other dumb kids found some paving tiles and decided to break them by throwing them in the air. Unfortunately, I was really bad at aiming, caught it on my head and caused permanent spinal damage.

The doctor recommended strength training, because my muscles would overtaxed by compensating for my wonky spine, which I promptly ignored because, again, I was a dumb kid and girls don’t lift weights. So from age 10 to 19 ish I basically had debilitating neck pains every few months which had me stuck in bed on painkillers and muscle relaxants.

After 9 years of being an idiot, I started listening to the doctors, lifted weights, and basically never had a sore neck again. The main downside is that clothes shopping is hard now.

I had two friends, Kat and Tim, who were vibing on each other super hard.

Both of them were afraid to make the first move.

One day I got drunk and I saw them kind of flirting and it got the best of me and I just said hey guys, you two are obviously a great match for each other, why don’t y’all go out on a date and see where it goes?

That in itself wasn’t that bad but in my mildly drunk stupor I didn’t think about the fact that we were all standing in front of all of our friends and they were both shy and because of me saying that they immediately distance themselves from one another and never got together.

If I had kept my mouth shut and just let things progress normally they might have ended up together.

Tim’s life really sucks right now and his life would probably be a hell of a lot better if I had just kept my fucking mouth shut.

I wanted to be a porn star as a teen.

Got a discount dog from the pound. It had been adopted and the returned.

I was thinking sweet a $31 dog

Nope. 16 years later I still have this nightmare of an animal

Mid threesome i had an idea for a position to try. Well, that idea got me a penile fracture. 0/10 would not recommend

When I was little, I enjoyed “inventing” things, or drawing designs for things, mostly consisting of aircraft or space ships. One of them was a sub that was constructed out of transparent inflatable plastic, similar to a Zorb ball, so you’d have an unobstructed view of the ocean. It was tear drop shaped and the appeal of the Zorb ball construction was that it’d be comfortable to lie in as you roamed the depths of the ocean. As I got older I learned more about physics and realised what a terrible idea that would actually be.

I once tried to be a discord kitten at 16 for a day as a joke and also out of curiosity of the outcome.

Dont.

I was out of sugar, so I tried to sweeten Kool-Aid with honey. Nope. Just god-awful.

Trying drugs, because my friends looked happier doing drugs than I was by not doing drugs.

I tried League of Legends

I was trying to clean something in a bucket of bleach, but didn’t have quite enough to cover it. I grabbed a bottle of toilet cleaner, assuming it was just expensive thick bleach, and poured a bunch in. After I started coughing I looked at the back of the bottle, it’s active ingredient was hydrochloric acid.