My husband of 17 years is a judge. Recently multiple people have come out publicly with their stories about my husband because all the complaints they have filed with the Council which deals with this have been ignored throughout the years - no investigation opened. My husband has always kept me in the dark about his work - finances, so let’s just say I have my reasons to believe the allegations. The most horrific one I’ve heard is my husband ruled that a 12-year-old consented to having sex with an adult (legal age of consent at the time was 15 in our country), so there was no conviction. The accused in this trial was wealthy. I didn’t know about this until now. Frankly I’m completely disgusted with him.
Yeah I’d certainly leave anyone who claims a 12 year old consented to sex with an adult, especially if they were the judge
Seems like you already made up your mind from reading your comments and I don’t blame you. Be sure to get a lawyer and have it all planned out before you tell him you are divorcing him, so he doesn’t screw you.
You already know what to do. You just need the strength to do it.
It’s time to get close to the people around you, and let them know you need their support. Because you’ll need it, but you need to do what you need to do.
All divorces suck, but yours will be especially difficult. Your husband sounds like he has all the connections and resources to make it an absolute nightmare for you.
Maybe the press will pick up on that “defamation” lawsuit he’s filing. If the facts of the case are as clear as you say, perhaps public opinion will be on your side. I’d love it if you could use his own hubris to your advantage!
Regardless, you have my condolences. You’re in a terrible situation. I’d recommend therapy to help work through it. I wish you the best.
MY partner? Yes! I trust her explicitly. But it sounds like you’re not in the same position.
Just remember that people in powerful positions can have powerful people frame them for not being corrupt. So, maybe it’s true and he’s done some shady shit. Or maybe a wealthy property developer isn’t happy that he won’t play along and give the ruling that he wants, so he decided to destroy your husband. It sounds like you need to talk to your husband.
You don’t need proof of anything. If you no longer love and/or trust him. And no longer want to be in the relationship, leave.
People who last 17 years don’t just hit Facebook, gym up, and quit the lawyer, they work very hard to fix issues in the relationship. Your advice, while well intentioned, is immature.
People who last 17 years do, in fact, leave their partners if the trust is irrevocably broken and the love is lost entirely. It seems more likely you took my statement of leave, and applied a meme to it and then hopped up on a fairly high horse. My advice, is based on a couple decades of adult relationships and life. From reading the post, this is not a ‘oh we can work on it and figure this out together’ situation. This reads very much like a ‘this person may actually be dangerous in the long run’. In which case yeah pack a fucking bag and call your lawyer. Your comment, while antagonistic and condescending, was also naive and immature.
The fact that they’re asking Lemmy if they would see their partner the same way again indicates that it’s not past the point of no return yet. After your clarification I agree with you. When it is beyond repair, it is better to leave sooner, rather than later. But someone you promised to stay with until one of you dies, someone you’ve built a life with, and placed all of your hopes and future with, deserves the effort of trying to fix it before calling it completely broken. You deserve that too. People who are truly in love, emotionally and mentally mature, and honest & willing can work through a lot. That said, I’ll repeat that I agree with you that the relationship is over if the trust is irrevocably broken and the love is lost. It can be difficult to determine when that point is hit though, so there’s usually still some fight left in the relationship even when they’ve crossed that line.
Reading the post title made me think “well, I guess it depends on the allegations and gravity of the corruption.” You know, some things I wouldn’t find earth shattering like shoplifting, or maybe accepting bribes which don’t hurt anyone (ex that’s probably no longer relevant: giving the cable guy $100 to get free cable)
Then I read the post body, and yikes, this is on a whole other level. And I still believe anyone is entitled the benefit of the doubt and that allegations aren’t convictions. But he’s a judge so allegations of corruption are probably the worst allegations that someone in his office could receive. Especially when you consider that he’s in a position to make other people allegations turn into acquittals, so I’d be wondering who’s doing the same for him.
And again, I don’t know enough about the situation. But if I was in your shoes I imagine I’d be equally suspicious.
You say you’re dark on the finances, would you say that together you share a lavish lifestyle? While not exactly a nail in the coffin, wealth is often an indicator of corruption.
Just to play devil’s advocate, if a group of people come together with allegations that still doesn’t mean he did it. However, if I asked him about it I couldn’t take his answer at face value either because these are serious allegations being corroborated by others. I’d imagine you’re too close to be impartial, and I’d reserve judgement until he receives… well, judgement.
Honestly though, if a judge is facing complaints of corruption then they kind of have to address them or else it indicates their corruption. If he’s been sitting on these complaints or turning them away, then I’d be highly suspicious of him.
Anyway, it sounds like these allegations have already impacted your relationship. Maybe if they were proven unfounded that might be something you could reconcile about. But if the allegations are based on truth, I’d be very careful. I wouldn’t feel safe being around someone like that personally, especially if he knew I had a low opinion of him
Yes, that was always his justification for why he doesn’t talk with me about finances. I bring in more than enough, aren’t you satisfied, why would you need to know about technicalities? That kind of thing. And before you ask me why have I put up with it: I was raised in a traditional family where when the man spoke the woman shut up, so I guess I took a lot of these behaviors from my mother; and my family has always had a big influence on my life and they stood by my husband.
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“Our tradition is subjugation!”
Gotcha. I was prepared to make an allowance that maybe he just wasn’t interested in the finances and therefore didn’t want to talk about them. But it sounds like you’ve asked him about them point-blank and he’s refusing to discuss.
We often make allowances for our upbringing, but these are huge red flags. Honestly, if my partner was hiding their finances, then I’d be worried about what else they were hiding.
It sounds like you’ve got turbulent times ahead. I wish you the strength to move forward.
Do you have anything like FOIA requests in your country? If so, you could request info such as rulings and potentially case details to understand more.
I imagine being a judge is hard. Following a legal line exactly could easily look like corruption, and they could easily be unhappy with the decisions they had to make, which could also explain the rationale behind not wanting to talk about work.
This is Lemmy, so you will defiantly get one-sided answers (not that they are wrong, because more often than not they are correct). So my suggestions:
- Get more info
- Use the finances as a discussion point. Not sure what divorce looks like there, but you need to be aware of your financial situation just in case. If he presses to keep it secret, he’s doing something bad. May not be what you think it is, but still bad. Use other means to figure out your finances.
- Enhance your privacy and security. This post is everywhere now. Delete the content. Use Signal to discuss this, not text messages.
- Listen to your gut, trust the evidence, and ignore the internet.
I do think like others that regarding the law or facts, we should expect evidences before expressing a judgment
But I also think that feelings are a different story : it really depends on how you feel about the way people defends themselves. Like even if all of this is false, but he is evasive about it, it may be enough to shatter your trust and therefore your relation.
This part is up to you to determine, taking in consideration that he may be going through rough times, but you don’t need someone to be an actual baddie to dislike them, your feelings do not have to be tied to fact.
Good luck anyway, wish you strength
I’d want to hear his side too, but it’s likely he’ll lie if it’s true. It may be true allegations, it may be false, I don’t know what evidence you have.
Taking just one case, say the one you mentioned, I see 2 possibilities. Either he was bribed, which I’d be inclined to believe if there was more history of corruption, which sounds like may be the case, or he was threatened.
If he simply did it for money, nope. It’s try to gather some more evidence to publish and get the fuck away from him. If he has this little empathy, you may be in some danger too.
If he did get threatened, that would depend on the threats, but again, sounds like the less likely possibility.
The way he argued that ruling was that since the act happened multiple times and the victim didn’t tell her parents / authorities, wasn’t physically abused / no signs of physical coercion, isn’t distraught, dressed “inappropriately to seduce him” and behaved affectionately around him, we can conclude that the act was consensual & instead of rape it was classified as sex with a minor - 3 years suspended sentence; so no prison time. This one isn’t an allegation, it’s the actual court ruling. And there is a pattern.
He’s empathetic to pedophiles.
Let’s think about that for a minute.
There’s something inside him that’s making him think “Yeah, I can understand how that could happen.”
I would not trust him alone with children.
Honestly, I would rather find out that my spouse had been taking bribes from a mob boss.
Not only that, but the argument for the ruling is not based in law. There’s an age of consent, and below that the judges can’t just decide consent themselves - it’s set as nonconsensual from the start. My husband completely ignored the law and set himself above it by establishing it himself. Obviously the family’s lawyer said this is nonsensical, we have to appeal. Well, they tried and it got dismissed.
I’m very confused, though. If there is an age of consent, and anything below that age is rape, then why is there a charge for “sex with a minor,” a supposedly lighter charge? It seems like the law does distinguish between forcible and statutory rape (though in cases of children it shouldn’t) and your husband leaned toward the latter.
To be clear, I am not arguing that getting a lighter sentence or believing a 12-year-old can consent to sex with an adult is anything but rape. I’m just stating that your country may have a legal separation between the two that your husband might have followed and still been within the law.
That is if I’m reading what you’ve written correctly.
Because back when this case was ruled the age of consent in our country was 15, as I’ve said, but the age 13-15 had specifications that it can, in certain situations, be argued that it’s not rape, but sex with a minor (so implying that the minor had some ability to consent). More clear: under 13 - always rape. 13-15: sex with a minor if the judge sees fit; semi-consent ability. 15+ - ability to consent with anyone. So the establishment of consent by a judge at 12 was outside the law. Now the laws have changed and absolute minimum is 14 (max 4 year age gap), and 16 for unrestricted consent.
Or the judge is just ruling based on the morals and laws of the society he is living in. As horrific as the interpretation is in this case, it may be how the law is written and understood.
Maybe I missed it, but OP didn’t state which country she is from. It is possible that she is from a country with civil law, where judges are much more constrained on how they can rule compared to American common law. Also, that there is a division between rape and sex with a minor shows that the legal system is making a distinction between the two cases, not just the judge husband.
I would expect that having repeated sex with a minor should bring jail time, but I don’t know enough about this country’s legal system to know if this is common or not.
That is a very good point, and could be a variable in a situation like this.
In this specific case, OP followed up to clarify that the ruling DOES defy the law as written.
from what you laid out it sounds like textbook abuse and rape. can you get more facts about the case? or ask him why he classified it as sex with a minor?
if it was indeed textbook abuse and rape which he classified as a lesser offense, that’s something I might not be able to look past.
It is. The family tried to appeal to the Court of Appeal because the ruling makes no sense legally. Got dismissed. They say it’s because their own independent investigation found that husband has friends and connections in all the right places, which is why all the complains of corruption also went ignored. Asked him about this ruling: said he doesn’t justify himself to anyone, the ruling is the justification, what you see it’s what it is and he won’t discuss any further. Oh, and now he’s suing the people who came forward with libel and defamation. 0 remorse of any kind.
Well, that completely dismisses my theory of threats.
Not sure about you, but I wouldn’t care whether he was bribed or he simply believes this was the “right” thing to do. It even sounds like you were doing fine financially, and greed won’t justify this. And he doesn’t even seem to regret it.
oof. so the only thing I can think of are:
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he relates with this form of abuse because of some previous experience
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he was bribed
I’m not sure what to tell you. if you tell him this is a deal breaker, and he doesn’t address it to your satisfaction, then you have your answer.
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I don’t justify myself to anyone
You’re his wife and this is extremely important to you. If my spouse took this attitude with me I’d be gone before the echoes finished ringing, let alone if they had also refused to punish a child rapist.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can only begin to imagine the emotions you’re going through finding out about it all 😞
And this is sort of Parasite how catholic church got away with it.
Ask him. How he would rule if it was your child…
As other as have said, you are best removing this and upoing your opsec.
This dude ain’t gonna take it well…
Accusations mean nothing until you verify the claims. In my country we presume innocence until proven guilty.
That’s the bar of proof for a court, because a court can suspend some of your human rights if you are proven guilty (like freedom of movement by sending you to prison, or even take your life in some countries). It’s not a reasonable standard for day to day interactions or personal relationships.
That’s rough. I’d start with having a calm and truthful conversation, clearly establishing your worries and feelings and go from there.
Yes, but. Be prepared. Financially, mentally, and with the right information. You cannot know what will happen in this conversation.
Why? He has never once shared anything about his life, job, or finances with OP. Why would he start?
But also shame on OP for never knowing about their finances either.
Whether someone is corrupt in terms of power is only one element of their character. I do not believe the whole “Caesar’s wife must be above suspicion” expression because it implies individuals are not sovereign enough to escape being judged for the actions of others. If my boyfriend were corrupt, there’s still a chance he’s boyfriendly.
Every defendant deserves NOT to get prejudged.
Your own husband deserves that, too, and hopefully so much more.
Being accused of something does not mean being guilty of that something.
Nor does believing someone may be guilty of that something can be used as a proof they’re guilty of that something.Frankly I’m completely disgusted with him.
If rumours are enough to make you feel disgusted by your husband maybe you should consider leaving him because, imho, there must be deeper and much longer lasting reasons for you to feel that way toward him.
Please, do note that I have absolutely no idea if you’re being right or wrong in feeling the way you feel as I don’t know you, nor him. I’m just telling you what I would certainly do if I was living with someone I feel disgusted by. That said, it’s important to keep in mind that feeling disgusted by someone does not means that person is guilty of anything either. Not being liked is not a crime… Not yet?
