A rant. FYI, this post might be a but triggering for some.
She called about ADHD. She was renewing her nursing license (though she’s retired) and said she took a course on adult ADHD. She said she felt bad that she has been so ignorant about it, and that she didn’t know I was suffering all this time.
I didn’t, but I wanted to say, “what the fuck do you mean you didn’t know??? How???”
I literally requested help for it at like 13, but the doctor gave up on it immediately after I was on Concerta for just a few weeks because I was FORGETTING TO TAKE IT (???). She said, “you’re just depressed and anxious”. Okay??? As if it’s impossible to have ADHD too???
Never mind the fact that when the doctor dismissed me the first time, it took me crying to get her to even consider it the first place.
My parents didn’t even say anything when she took me off of Concerta and reiterated that she thought i just had depression and anxiety. They just accepted it even though I KNEW I had it. I did the research, because no one else was going to, clearly. And I knew my feelings usually weren’t taken seriously, anyway.
I was finally able to get medicated just recently. I’m 32. I appreciate her trying now, but I needed help then. My life could’ve been so much different if I hadn’t been easily and frequently dismissed.
The fact that you got an apology is, to me, miraculous, and shows that she realizes she could have done better and wanted you to know because she cares about you.
I would never get any such thing from my parents.
A perspective to consider.
Oh, for sure. I was pleasantly surprised, but I also know my parents are by no means the worst parents in the world (nor, I would argue, are they bad parents).
I really do appreciate her acknowledgement, and the ways in which they were good parents. It’s just frustrating that it took this long.
It’s probably also frustrating that it took her taking this course and hearing it from the instructor instead of believing you all along. Some people need a person in authority to tell them what to accept. Along with appropriately mourning the lost opportunities, I guess you can be glad this authority finally got it past her resistance and into her head.
The best time to plant a tree was 50 years ago. The second best time is today.
You can’t go back in time, but you can choose to forgive your parents for their mistakes. I’m not saying you have to, but its up to you if you want to.
I hated my father through my teens. After lots of therapy and many years of self growth I decided to forgive him for his short comings and move on with my life. I can’t go back to change those mistakes he made when I was younger. I know he was trying his best or doing what he thought was right at the time. Our relationship has been much better ever since. And honestly I think he knows he fucked up in a number of ways since he is now trying so much harder to understand his three sons issues since we all ended up having (and are still having) varying mental health problems which he all but dismissed entirely when we were growing up. Since I was his first kid I got the least understanding version of him. My little brothers both got a bit more understanding version of their father mostly because I had already forced him to learn some lessons when he raised me the wrong way lol.
I’m sorry your mom was dismissive and unhelpful for the majority of your life, but at least she has sorta admitted that she was wrong now. For most of our parents even getting them to admit they made a mistake can be difficult.
Thank you. I have forgiven her, in a sense. I know she did her best, and they were good parents in other ways, but she’s sometimes still dismissive, even today. I know it’s not on purpose or anything, but it makes me not want to speak to them.
They’re both baby boomers who ignorant almost across the board, with the emotional intelligence of middle schoolers. I doubt talking to them about would accomplish anything other than upsetting everyone involved, but I do appreciate her regret.
If it helps at all, genetic odds suggest they grew up undiagnosed if they don’t think they were neurodivergent.
My dad is definitely adhd, and my mom is quite likely on the autism spectrum, but growing up my dad was just a “troubled kid” and my mom “did her own thing”.
Now they just have big ol bags of repression and forced conformity that they feel ashamed to have never fully lived up to.
Oh, my father has a pretty severe case of bipolar disorder, so that definitely doesn’t help. I’d be surprised if my mom has ADHD, but she for sure has a lot of anxiety at the very least
I had to let go of a lot of resentment about never getting diagnosed by my neurologist mother who suspected I had ADHD but got talked out of it by some idiot colleagues. Finally diagnosed at 34, 38 now.
Sometimes parents look back on things and realize that it’s too little too late. My mother doesn’t like the relationship I have with her (I’m not zero contact but I only call when I’m feeling up to it and that can take months). I was physically abused as a kid on top of having ADHD (then ADD), and I was diagnosed but never medicated.
My youngest brother has Autism and my parents went above and beyond to get him everything he needed by my sister and I (both with ADHD) basically got nothing.
It’s exhausting to think about what ifs. At this point in this time I have received an apology (though not for the things I remember, and more for the things she regrets which do not necessarily align). I think a lot of her regret is based on our relationship now and how she wishes it could be.
But I look at it like this. I’m just living in the world, doing my best to survive and take care of myself. That’s something I have been doing since I was a child. I continue to do that because I don’t know any other way. I do not have the energy to give to her for her regret. I acknowledge it. I accept the apology. But I gave up being angry about it. I just do not have the energy for it.
We can’t change how we grew up. It’s better to acknowledge the sentiment and move on. At least, I think so. Try not to tie up too much of yourself in what could have been. Get to know and accept the you that is in the here and now. You’ll make your own way. You got this far.
I think a lot of her regret is based on our relationship now and how she wishes it could be.
Yeahhh, my mother as well. But you’re right. It helps no one to dwell on the past. Thank you for your advice.
Mine got me diagnosed. She was frustrated because I burned out senior year and went from straight As to deliberately failing. One of my teachers demanded a conference and insisted I see a specialist. When the medication became too expensive after her divorce, she gaslighted me into thinking it wasn’t a real disorder. I ended up quitting college because of that. I still can’t help but hold that over her head sometimes.
I wasn’t able to explain exactly what I was going through until I was older. I thought everyone was like me, I suppose, even though eventually I knew I was different. Being ostracized by classmates helped that realization set in.
Both parents are more accepting and have apologized since realizing how debilitating it can be. However, without them experiencing it I still don’t think they fully understand. There needs to be some kinda VR simulation for that or something.
You have every right to be upset.
All through university especially (but even to this day) one of my biggest existential life fears has been running out of Concerta (that’s also the med I’m on!) and then trying to get my prescription refilled without being on it. Once in uni I was super busy and let it slip and it took a week after I ran out to actually get resupplied.
In my adult (38) life I still constantly struggle with remembering to take meds everyday and it’s pretty common for me to walk to the bus stop and, once my mind unwinds and calms down while I’m waiting, to realize I skipped it. I currently take meds nearly everyday but for the first few years (especially when I was on short release meds that required afternoon doses) I often missed days and wasn’t as good at recognizing the difference in how I felt with vs. without them.
This may not be what you want, but I use an app called mytherapy to remind me about meds. Else I will forget. Best thing is that it will also harass you if it knows you’re running low. (You would have to tell it your inventory, and you can set the threshold). The hardest part is not ignoring the notifications.
Honestly this is more funny than anything. (At least to me)
She takes a online course and now feels bad? What did they tech in the course?
Yeah it’s pretty ridiculous lol. And I guess she learned about the symptoms for adults specifically?
I’ll certainly not fuck up this specific thing as a parent, but can’t help but wonder if I fuck up things with equal or higher impact.
I try to keep an open mind, watch out for wrong decisions and judgements, and hope that it doesn’t come to that - or that, with such diligence, my apology will be accepted when the day comes.
