I’m a relatively fit, 38 year old, male. I’m 6’3", 235 pounds, muscular. I play hockey 1-2 times a week and regularly exercise.

Pelosi? One punch, likely death results.

Trump, dead before he hits the ground.

JD Vance is a fucking pansy. I’d clock him in the eye one time and he would quit.

McConnell’s head explodes on impact.

Fetterman? Pre-stroke may have had some competition, but post-stroke he’s like Shrek with balance issues.

L. Graham runs away before it starts.

AOC, I could pick her up and toss her, but she’d go down swinging, I’m sure.

RFK would act tough, but one haymaker to the jaw would change that.

Gaetz goes down protecting his face as to not get plastic surgery damaged.

Booker might be tough, but I can take him with endurance.

There’s talk of Jesse Ventura getting back into politics, but based on age I can beat him.

Pete Hegseth would act tough and probably kick, punch the groin, and bite. In the end I would beat him with grit and old fashioned ass beating.

  • FenderStratocasterOPEnglish
    14·
    11 days ago

    Tim Sheehy has come to my attention. 40 year old retired Navy SEAL officer. This man would undoubtedly kill me in hand to hand combat.

    • FenderStratocasterOPEnglish
      81·
      11 days ago

      Ooooh, that’s a good one. He’s probably a tough son of a bitch, but he’s 61 years old. I think based on his age a couple of jabs to the face slows him down and one haymaker has him tapping out.

  • scytale@piefed.zipEnglish
    6·
    11 days ago

    I ddg’d MMA fighters who became politicians and Markwayne Mullin came up. His record was 3-0 and he’s 10 years older than you. Tito Ortiz was apparently a temporary mayor at some point.

    • FenderStratocasterOPEnglish
      6·
      11 days ago

      Looks like a real piece of shit, but you may have found the guy who can take me. We will never know though. Unless you’re reading this Markwayne, I want to fuck you up.

      • scytale@piefed.zipEnglish
        5·
        11 days ago

        For sure. If you’re gonna go all out and try to beat someone up, might as well pick him.

        • FenderStratocasterOPEnglish
          7·
          11 days ago

          Dude, punching Mitch McConnell though? It would be devastating. I would be like Sammy Sosa hitting a pitch from an 8 year old. There would be saggy skin flying around.

  • Assassassin@lemmy.dbzer0.com
    4·
    10 days ago

    Prove it, go beat every US politician. You have the element of surprise on your side for the first 2 or 3, so fight the hardest first.

    • FenderStratocasterOPEnglish
      6·
      10 days ago

      I’m just going to show up in Washington and walk into to Congress and shout, “HAVE AT YOU!” with fists raised.

  • _stranger_
    3·
    10 days ago

    You’ll make a fatal mistake engaging either Cruz or McConnel in mele combat. In McConnell 's case, the ichor will explode forth as soon as you break the skin, enveloping you in a skin of evil, melting you down into your component parts before you even registered what happened.

    Cruz is worse. The colony of unknown organisms inhabiting his skin suit will likely rip you apart slowly from the inside after issuing forth from his busted maw, crawling through your eyes and mouth, devouring everything they touch.

    I recommend you save them for last. The fallen bodies of the other senators will likely prove too great a temptation, triggering a feral/instinctual feeding response that will expose their true nature, likely lowering their chances of getting reelected by 3-5% points.

    • FenderStratocasterOPEnglish
      2·
      10 days ago

      Brother, I’ve been playing hockey for 32 years. There ain’t a gay joke that I haven’t heard from the back of the steamy, grunty, man-pile in the showers after a game. Elephant walks aren’t gay, they are team building.