Learned my cat has cancer today :'(

Full on sobbing? About a month ago, maybe a little less. choking up and tearing up and being unable to speak, just now as I type this.

At the end of February, I had to unexpectedly say goodbye to my girl Ripley (Mastiff/Lab cross). I think a lot of people have a soul dog, and for me, Ripley was that. She very literally saved my life by simply being there during my darkest depressions, and whenever I would have a panic attack, I would bury my face in her fur and breath in, and her scent would somehow pull me out of it. I live now absolutely terrified of what’s going to happen the next time I have an anxiety attack and she’s not around.

About three weeks before, she started limping. Vet said basically that it’s either a sprained muscle or bone cancer. I said, well, let’s start optimistic, get her some painkillers and muscle relaxants to give her leg time to heal if it’s a sprain and then go from there. And for about three weeks, it worked. Went off the meds 10 days later and was seemingly back to normal. So I figure I dodged a bullet.

At the end of February, it starts up again; worse this time. So I make another vet appointment for x-rays, but it wouldn’t be until the end of the week, and because she’s in pain, the vet asks if I can drop her off and she can hang around there so that they can squeeze her in, in between actual appointments that same day. I said yes, not even thinking for a moment that this would be the last time I would see her awake and alert.

I knew that it was possibly bone cancer. I was expecting that. That isn’t what haunts me and makes me cry when I think about it. It’s two things primarily.

1. The absolute sudden nature of it. I get a phone call saying that they’re asking my permission to sedate her for the x-ray because it’s too uncomfortable and painful for her to sit in the machine in the proper position to xray her leg otherwise. And then a second phone call an hour later, not only confirming that it was bone cancer, but that it had already started into her lungs. I had to make a choice. I could either take her home for a day or two to say goodbye in private, but in order to not be in pain she would essentially be so drugged up that she wouldn’t really have an quality of life anyway. Or I could race to the vet and say my goodbye’s right then and there. That unexpectedness hit me like a tonne of bricks, but what really hurt was…

2. I called a friend to drive me to the vet and be there with me while I said goodbye. When we arrived, Ripley was still only just starting to come out of the first sedation that she had been given in order to take the x-ray. I spent almost an hour, just laying on the floor next to her, talking to her and stroking her fur. But I don’t know…and I’ll never truly know for sure; if she knew that I was there for her in her final moments. Did she wake up enough from the first sedative enough to register my presence with her before they gave her the next one in order to start the euthenasia process?

Or did my Ripley go to her rest thinking that she was alone, and her last memory of me was dropping her off at the vet?

My friend insists that she felt Ripley’s breathing speed up when she heard my voice, but she could just be trying to make me feel better. And it’s that unknown that still makes me cry whenever I think of it, even two months later.

The last ugly sobbing cry was a month after she passed, the crematorium sent me her ashes back, and, unbeknownst to me, they took a nose print of her nose for me. Seeing that nose print broke me all over again. It’ll soon be a tattoo.

Anyway, I’m going to stop now. I’ve run on long enough and I’m on the verge of crying again. Pretty manly for a 50-year old dude, I know… But she was my everything and I miss her terribly every day.

Well I had a good streak going until I read these stories. Thanks.

Few months back when the memories of a deceased relative flooded back and the fear of losing more loved ones caught me off guard

The other day my neighbour’s 4yo daughter saw me come home from the yard where she plays with her cousins. She ran up to me arms open wide saying “huuuug !!” and her cousin (same age) followed her lead so a second later I had my arms full with these 2 beautiful, innocent, aww-factor little girls. As someone struggling to have children for years I felt simply… fulfilled (?) for a short second there. Then I went inside and broke down

Yesterday. I was telling my boss about how my husband abruptly and with finality brought up divorce in the midst of asking for a raise. Didn’t expect to cry but it happened. She was super supportive 🙂

I cry probably daily on average if we count all types of crying. I’ve sobbed a handful of times in my life. I cry hard a few times a year. I mostly cry because I’m inspired by something like the Artemis II mission had me crying either because of the spirit of space travel or being touched by how much I love all 4 of the beautiful people on it. I cry when I’m happy.

The day that my 18 year old cat had to be put down. That morning, I pulled up a video of birds for her to watch, same as most other mornings. And seeing her watching the birds as if nothing was wrong, knowing that it was the last day I would spend with her, that fucking broke me.

Prior to that, I think I hadn’t cried in over 20 years.

I don’t think I have cried for my own sake in a decade at this point, just can’t. I cry at sad or emotional scenes in media and for other people, but can’t do it for my own stuff. Haven’t cried when my grandparents died, although I loved them both, or when our family dog had to be put down.

I cry almost daily.

Started getting this way when my wife passed. Now tons of things trigger it.

What happened to you happened to me with a great uncle when I was in my teens. He was a good person and tried to protect me from some of the BS that was happening. He had esophageal cancer. It took al long time before I broke down and when it happened I was on a small summertime school group trip. I was outside of a restaurant alone and no one knew. It was odd for me because I always took loss very hard and have since that point but I was mainly just numb.

August last year, when my cat went into advanced stage kidney failure and I chose to have her put to sleep. She had stopped eating and didn’t have the strength to support her own head at that point so not a difficult decision, but still very hard to accept.

I stopped crying at 8 (because I was told to man up) and I’ve cried probably a handful of times since then. I’ve been working pretty hard on it and the first time I sobbed as an adult was so freeing. I haven’t gotten it back since, and I still get stuck in the stone face mode most of the time. I got pretty close watching “no other land” which was a devastating watch.

As a guy there is also a lot of shame and fear around crying. Especially around women. I’m scared of having my partner get the ick and not feel like I’m manly enough to be attractive and dominant anymore. I’d have an easier time crying around men because even if they don’t think I’m very manly, that’s not a big part of my social personality. At work of course it would be completely devastating…

I’m trying to make sure my kids all feel comfortable crying regardless of gender. Of course there is only so much you can do against social norms.

On an episode of a hospital-based show, a little girl (like, 8 or 10) drowns in a pool and effort to resuscitate fail. That didn’t get me, even with the parents crying. The girl has a sister, who is making a card for the girl who has already been declared dead. Sad, but didn’t get me. Sister explains that the girl died saving her, since she fell in the neighbor’s pool trying to get a ball, and the sister jumped in, pushed the sister out, and then couldn’t get out herself, and eventually drowned.

And I got slammed with a real-life memory. I work in Search and Rescue, and one case my station had over a decade ago was a pair of children that got swept out to sea. Only the younger brother survived. Because the sister spent the whole time keeping him above water, and ended up exhausting and drowning herself. I try not to think about it, because it fucks me up really bad, and especially because now I have a daughter and a younger son. That scene dredged that up real hard, real fast.

Yesterday when I touched the cast paw print of my bestest boy. A post from someone else made me remember him. I was crying from losing him and also looking up old videos of him being cute and silly.

Almost every single day. My life took the fun house mirror approach to living and I’m not handling it well, or recovering.