Tl;dr attachment styles are definitely a thing however it’s not set in stone. You can start doing things like going to therapy, medication, self-reflect to identify where you can do better.
I’m disorganized - been diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder and cPTSD. I have the usual depression and anxiety. Just last year I found out the true root of the problem is undiagnosed ADHD and my whole family probably has it.
When I started dating my now husband I did horrible things to him. I emotionally abused him. I would get angry for reasons I wouldn’t tell him. Just take off and walk around the city and feel good that he was looking for me.
It’s only from the grace of the spaghetti monster that he didn’t give up on me. In 2008 I started to go to therapy on and off and our relationship got better. it was finally in 2018 that i decided to seek real help. Now I am on a cocktail of meds, happy, and alive.
My husband is the MVP of our relationship! We’ve been together 23 years and married for 17 of them. :)
You can change, but only if you want it.
I’m so happy for you! It takes a ton of work to change like that, way to go!
Thanks!
So did the test and the results were:
- Disorganised, Fearful Avoidance
deep breath -prepares essay
I think it is about right and feel it is more a learnt experience, transistioning from trusting naivete to that.
It is difficult to trust when trust gets broken repeatedly and not taking the modern human experience into account. I think I have gotten emotional colder in that sense believed myself to “kill” my emotions after a particular bad case of trusting someone who I felt love for but was more a “game” for their part.
Different emotional levels in that case, innocent idealism naivete vs cold-hearted detachment.
Someone thawed that emotional issue out a little, although they too did their share of problems, but in the end the terms of ending the relationship were more amicable.
Now though, people who I get close to, I feel unworthy - life experience has burdened me and my inability to properly control or handle it. I was more oblivious before, but in comparision I have let myself be burdened into the proverbial ground of rocks while they blossom in fertile soil and I dont wish to burden their lives with my problems - and I know I am like an “eeyore”(winnie the pooh reference) to be around at times - more times than I am comfortable with
And I guess that it makes sense in the “defence” mechanism I have worked into, where I have multiple emotional walls and a person needs to pass the layers of trust to gain access to deeper levels of trust which then leading feeling vulnerable of the inferiority when I develop trust
I hopefully kept it on topic, as I seem to have noticed that I have a tendency to be very verbose when writing and a tendecy to waffle on.
I am blaming it on my lack of human contact and having a medium I can express myself more accurately than verbal communication.
You’re definitely right that attachment styles are learned - we develop them based on how our caregivers treat us early in childhood (and they get more pronounced if we get treated the same in adulthood by our partners and friends).
Disorganized attachment can be seen in terms of having two very polarized parts: one badly wants to connect with people and the other is terrified of what that connection might bring, thus pushing people away. I wonder if you can relate to that.
Thank you for your reply,
I relate and from the the disorganised parts, I feel that I am developing more into someone wanting to connect with people with a sub component of being terrified of what that connection might bring when I feel like I get too close.
Probably is very conflicting but I guess I have become like that as a defence mechanism of trusting people and that trust being broken a lot as I feel I have trusted people too naively before and people have taken advantage of that.
In response I have probably adjusted to be more open to people to find a connection, have tried to cut back to slow my over-share tendency, tried to be aware of the context and those that survive the “weirdness” I feel guilty that I cannot be a positive influence on their life and would try not to burden them
I guess I have become like that as a defence mechanism of trusting people and that trust being broken a lot as I feel I have trusted people too naively before and people have taken advantage of that.
That makes sense. It’s hard to maintain trust in people if someone takes advantage of you. I hope you continue to move toward connection because humans need other humans.
I would say anything other than secure, but is it really a valid label if I don’t actually form relationships and having objective reasons (medical issues, jobless, homebody) that would likely ruin chances with compatible people if meeting them were likely?
If I am understanding you correctly, you’re saying you may be avoiding relationships because you don’t think you are good enough for potentially compatible partners. That’s a bit out of the purview of this post, and I’d like to encourage you to be curious and examine how this core belief might affect you and where it came from.
I don’t like pathologizing people, but I also like to spread awareness, so take a look at avoidant personality disorder - it’s basically an extreme version of what you are describing. In no way am I saying you have it, just that it fits the notion of avoiding relationships because of perceived inadequacy.
Something important to know about attachment styles is that you can have a different style with different people. For example, you might be securely attached to your mother, but have an anxious attachment style with most romantic partners. Styles can change throughout lifetime, too.
So you can think back to the last time you had a relationship to see how you behaved then. There are some other traits that tend to correspond to one’s predominant attachment style.
People with an avoidant style tend to be “fixers,” have rigid boundaries, avoid conflict, and find it easier to spend time alone (it’s also hard for them to transition from being alone to being with others).
People with an anxious style tend to be “feelers,” have loose/porous boundaries, become overly emotional in conflict, and have a preference for being with other people, finding it hard to transition from that to being alone.
