Life is easier if you regret NOT having children.

Life is much harder if you regret HAVING children.

To give you an actual resource: The Baby Decision by Merle Bombardieri. She’s a social worker and therapist that specializes in this exact issue.

The book is fantastic. It guides you through thought exercises and different considerations about having kids. I want to stress that she does not try to convince you to have a kid. She just helps you make an informed decision.

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I postponed the decision because I was afraid I might regret not having children (despite never having wanted them). Once I realized I would also definitely and repeatedly encounter feelings of regret for HAVING children if I did get them, I accepted that I shouldn’t build my life around the fear of maybe having negative feelings. After that, it was smooth sailing through vasectomy and a childfree middle age.

For the record: I haven’t regretted the decision, not once.

My mom’s advice has helped me a lot in my decision. She’s a mother of 5, definitely wanted to be a mother and is very fulfilled by it. Parenting was her great joy, and she was/is great at it.

You and your husband should both be about 80% sure you want kids. Any less and it verges on not worth it. Kids take everything you have. If you want them, you are so happy to give them everything. If you want kids 100% (no fear or hesitation about being ready) than you’re underestimating how important and difficult a decision it is. A good parent does hesitate and consider if they’re ready!

I am 7 months pregnant and I was also terrified to give birth! I’m coming around now, and feeling more ready. At some point, it’s easier to go through 1-2 days of pain and just get them out. Honestly I recommend not researching it too in depth until after you make your decision, because it’s like the smallest part of the process. Pregnancy is like a year, birth is one day, and then they’re your kid forever.

Good Lord talk to your partner. Don’t try to sub contact your evidence research for the fight you just had.

I don’t think anyone reads books about this decision. You just sort of… Imagine the outcome, and decide whether you like that.

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Becoming a biological parent means you’re causing on average 58.6 tonnes of CO2e released per year for having that kid (it’s an order of magnitude worse in rich countries). Wynes et al. 2017

By becoming a biological parent, you’re contributing to the biggest and root cause of making the world unlivable due to anthropogenic climate change.

People say when you become a parent, you dont have time to do the things you want to do anymore.

I suggest that you still do what you want to do, but the things you want to do change.

I still enjoy going to concerts, and hitting the bar scene with friends, but now I also like teaching my kid how to do things and watching him figure things out.

Yes they start out as crying poop machines, but they get much more interesting than that.

I just knew it would make me miserable to have to be a responsible person every day for someone else’s sake. I live in chaos and I’ve made my peace with fucking my own life, but if a kid was in the picture I would step up, but I would hate every moment of it.

I asked my mom how much I cost to raise. She said about $35,000 per year.

I figured over 20 years that’s a lot of ski trips, corvettes, grand pianos, surfboards, nice dinners, and home renovation projects. So I decided I’d rather have those.

Talk to your partner. If you are lukewarm about having children, don’t have children. And make sure you communicate your feelings to your partner.

Neither my partner nor I were interested in children. We like them just fine, but we enjoy quiet, the ability to pick up and go wherever we want with little planning. Of course we enjoy having some disposable income.

Children are people. By having them, you are dedicating the rest of your life to guiding them, teaching them, and helping them become decent adults. It’s a decision that shapes all of the people involved.

If you don’t think you’re ready, you probably aren’t. Maybe some day you will be. But that decision is between you and your partner - do NOT let society or other people in your life pressure you.

One of my brothers has kids and loves them. The rest of us are blissfully child free with zero regrets, and we never did “change our minds” as everyone insisted we would. YOU know what YOU want. And if your partner wants differently, that may be an uncomfortable discussion, but one you need to have before other human beings are involved.

Points wildly at everything around us

How I made the decision: asked myself do I want to have children because that is what I want or because that is what is expected/wanted by others? For me, it was the latter. I have been incredibly happy with the decision, though I’m also incredibly fortunate and privileged to be in the spot my partner and I are in.

My partner and I had the luxury of me being in grad school as the “excuse” for why we hadn’t had kids. Then student loans. But at a certain point that was unfair to us and our parents. My partner is an only child so her parents won’t have grandkids. I have a brother who has kids.

Avoiding uncomfortable conversations and putting the wants of other people before yours is something we all do. However, doing that with bringing a whole living being is, in my opinion, a recipe for fucking disaster.

If you want kids because you want to, then you should. If you don’t want kids because you don’t, then you shouldn’t. If your partner is on a different wavelength, you need to have a very adult conversation. The decision to bring a life into this world (especially at this point) is huge. This is also not a conversation to convince the other person you’re right (this goes for your partner too).

I hope you are able to make this decision in a way that fits best for you.