ROANOKE, VA—Local claims adjuster David Seaborne, a devoted husband and father of three, died Tuesday at the age of 37 following a long and painful personal battle with a 512-pound eastern lowland gorilla.
This is one of the best Onion articles ever. Read the whole thing.
Someone’s never been to Gorilla City.
You’re never going to become master of the Earth without a classical liberal arts education.
That G isn’t teaching class - he’s holding court!
Yeah, but who do you think taught him world domination skills? That can’t be self-taught!
Very true. They didn’t even offer that as an elective in my school :(