today was supposed to be my first day of therapy and the therapist didn’t show up. I’m pissed off. I wasted 2 hours for nothing.
I’ve sent her a polite message, asking if she’s sick and hoping she is well, but in reality I wanted to yell at her. However, if I yell at her, chances are she won’t treat me.
Before you suggest to find another therapist, finding a shrink where I live is very difficult and the other ones I contacted have either ignored me or are overbooked. I need therapy and it bothers me to be so dependent on one person.
For those of you who have experienced something similar, how doesn’t it bother you?
Flip it around. If you missed an appointment, would you want them pissed off you wasted their time? Would you want them to yell at you? Most likely you would have had a good reason and would want them to understand. It’s most likely the same for them.
Not only does this phenomenon have a name (Fundamental Attribution Error), OP’s situation is the example case given on the wikipedia page:
In other words, observers tend to overattribute the behaviors of others to their personality (e.g., he is late because he’s selfish) and underattribute them to the situation or context (e.g., he is late because he got stuck in traffic).
I’d feel safer with a person who raised their voice at me for being late, than with a person who just let it go.
That’s…a really weird way to feel. Essentially, you’d feel safer with someone that lacked empathy? This isn’t your buddy, this is a professional. You’d prefer it if your therapist wasn’t in control of their emotions, and would rather get angry at you than someone simply saying, “It’s okay”?
There’s something to be said about emotional honesty and transparancy, I suppose. Most of my family’s pretty inscrutable, so I’m always much more wary around them than my more heart-on-the-sleeve friends.
For a professional relationship though, ehh yeah i dunno.
In a professional setting the real feeling is more likely “stop apologizing so we can get this over with and I can get back to doing the other stuff I have to do” than “I need to punish you for being late”.
Someone who raises their voice isn’t a psychopath wtf?
It just means they have a healthy response to being disrespected.
Note I’m saying “raising the voice” here, not shouting. Someone who shouts when I’m late isn’t a safe person.
Ironically, these are the sorts of questions you should be asking a therapist. More general advice is to only allow yourself to stress about things in your control. There’s a lot of shittiness in the world, and stressing over it is poison to your mental well-being. Focus on what you can change and let go of anything beyond that. It helps me to try giving people the benefit of the doubt, e.g. imagine a scenario where your therapist ghosting you is justifiable - maybe a close family member of theirs was in an accident - and choose to believe that. While it may not always be correct, this is a much better way to live for your part.
Adding to that, don’t stress about things that are still up in the air, once the therapist has responded with a bad reason for missing the appointment there is plenty of time to get stressed about all the potential repercussions, no need to imagine worst cases while you don’t have all the relevant information yet.
“Don’t stress” is terrible advice to someone who has no experience of control over what upsets them, which seems to be an issue OP deals with.
You’re a human being in the body of a human animal. While you can try to use your thoughts to fix/rationalize/justify your feelings, I suspect you’ve already made those attempts with limited success.
OP, here are 2 implementable suggestions:
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DO stress. If you’re already in that state, trying to force yourself to feel another way will make it worse. Let yourself feel what you feel. Have the experience of allowing the sensations in your body to be what they are. If the sensations involve pressure, heat, discomfort, tension, etc, have them. If you find yourself having new sensations in reaction to the feelings you experience, have those new ones too. This kind of somatic practice can help you discover a new way of experiencing life that your mind doesn’t dominate.
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Pick a breathing exercise and do it for 2 minute, 2 minutes, 5 minutes, whatever works. Doesn’t matter which one, as long as it doesn’t have an end goal. Breathwork can help you discover the different modes of being in your experience.
Dismissing advice that doesn’t work for you personally isn’t helpful - different strokes and all. I’ve dealt with anxiety and have found that rationalizing emotional responses to events outside my control normally works well for me. Ultimately, there’s no one-size solution, so people need to try different approaches to find what works for them. A variety of perspectives is always best
I’m pushing back on the notion that telling someone “don’t stress” is in any way helpful.
They would already be not stressed if an obstacle didn’t come up. Telling them to not stress is akin to telling them to not be depressed or to just chill out. There’s no pathway to how. There’s no meeting someone where they’re at. There’s just a well-meaning person lacking emotional tooling to support another.
There are lots of ways to actually provide the support. There are lots of ways for a person to reset their nervous system. “Don’t stress” isn’t either.
No one is saying simply “don’t stress”. Recognizing when stress is centered around something outside your influence can be a step toward dealing with it. That may not work for some, but it does for others - as I said, different strokes. Making a broad generalization about what is and isn’t good advice is reductive and only shuts down advice that may help OP
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Actually, in this case is could be irony. OP lives his life as someone who needs therapy, then when they go to get the therapy the therapist doesn’t show up.
I suppose it would be more like irony if their therapist needed therapy.
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It’s pretty unprofessional for a therapist to fully blow off a first session with no communication.
That being said, I’d honestly suggest that when you do start with her, you tell her how her absence made you feel (in a respectful way). Therapy works best if you come to the sessions being honest about your own flaws that you want to improve. It sounds to me like you don’t like feeling the way this incident made you feel. If she is a good therapist, she will not be offended and instead help to provide you strategies to manage the negative emotions you are feeling.
Lots of advice here, some of it good, some of it questionable.
Two things I’ll amplify from other comments: there’s a reason your therapist missed. It’s could be anything from messing up in their calendar app to a pet or a family member being injured it passing unexpectedly. This falls into the “shit happens” category. You’re allowed to be angry, upset, disappointed, or any combination - your time was wasted. There are generally two outcomes - 1) the miss was unintentional or unavoidable or 2) the therapist is unreliable. Until you find out that it’s case 2, recognize that a couple of wasted hours - in the course of your life- is small potatoes (perspective).
Another is the concept of “agency”. There are things you can affect in your life, in your relationships, and in the world. There are things you cannot. Nobody can force you to allow yourself to ignore the latter. They will always get under your skin. However, if you find yourself dwelling on those items, try and take a step back and identify things in your life you control or which you can alter/adjust. Finding those areas where you have agency allows you to impart your will, to be a positive force in your life trajectory.
I won’t even begin to tell you this is easy. It is a process and a way of interacting. Here’s an example - recognize your disappointment with your therapist but take the initiative to reschedule. Taking it a step further, the day before your next meeting, confirm the appointment. It can be a text or email - simple, low contact. If you don’t get a response, escalate near the end if the work day (or first thing the morning of the appointment) with a call. These are things you can do to manage your therapist and your collective schedules. Most professionals (I am one fwiw) will not be offended in the least with good (but not excessive) communication. If they are, or if the therapist still flakes out on you - well, we’re back to case (2) above and you’re on the troublesome path of finding a new / another therapist. BUT - you’ve done all you can in your power to make this a success. Recognize your initiative as a positive, personal attribute you will continue to leverage in your life.
I wish you the best!
I think you should bring this up with your therapist. Do it politely, but don’t ignore it. If your therapist refuses to treat you in response to your braining it up politely, then you’re better off with no therapy than with this person.
Shit happens. Even for therapists
I am on the anxiety spectrum and have had anger management issues, panic attacks, and the whole business.
My coping strategy has evolved into something like this. I have done a fair amount of body surfing in my day. For this, there is an ideal type of wave you want to ride. Big enough to carry you, but not so big that it’ll bash you about. (My general rule of thumb is that I don’t trust a wave that’s taller than I am!)
So inevitably, you will encounter a big angry wave that wants to pummel you once in awhile. You can’t stop it. The best you can do is take a deep breath, dive straight into it, and let it wash over your head. Not a pleasant experience as you still get knocked about, but you know it will inevitably pass and you just keep your body loose and let it do its thing.
I think of something like a panic attack in the same way. People who say don’t stress over things are unhelpful. You can’t control that. But you can ride it out in a loose, detached sort of way. Let that wave consume you as it must but rest assured it will pass over your head eventually. And when I say stay loose, I mean literally. If you feeling your muscles clenching or your breathing getting fast, focus on those first before working on the detached, stoic mental state.
I hope this helps you a bit? I learned this all the hard way.
Get a job in retail. You’ll be amazed at how fast you learn to not give a hoot about anything.
I think there should be mandatory retail service like some countries do mandatory military service.
I feel like society would chill out a lot.
“Zombie Jamboree” by Robert Merkin. A pretty funny novel about Vietnam War. At one point a draftee is asked about ending the draft. He’s against it because draftees are the people who are going to go home after the war and will not put up with lifers doing ‘lifer shit.’
Cannot confirm. Still thin skinned here. :(
Rub the skin area often and frequently, it’ll grow thicker with time
For those of you who have experienced something similar, how doesn’t it bother you?
Get smarter. Back when I was younger, I’d often go on a date only to meet a ghost. Took me 2 times to learn to call the girl 30 minutes before the date to confirm if it was still up. No answer? I’m not getting out.
Your case was a professional appointment. I don’t suppose your therapist said she wouldn’t be available today? If she didn’t, that’s her fault. When you manage to meet her face to face, calmly state that it made her look unprofessional (if she gets upset at that, well, she’s not a good professional, imo)
In the meantime, just remember that whatever gets you worked up will be thrown into your face, either by life, internet randos or something else. Feeling angry is addicting, but it’s pointless most of the time.
No! Calmly state that it made you feel unsafe. There’s no reason to go straight to a character attack; any competent adult will recognize they fucked up when another tells them that their actions made them feel bad.
I know how you feel. I was ghosted by my therapist for months and so I just politely told him I am no longer in need of his services and went about my day.
I still haven’t found a new one because everyone else is even worse.
This fucking system blows.
The only time I ever caused a vehicle accident was in a parking garage at my therapist’s building.
I really needed that session, and he no-call-no-showed. I sat there in my truck feeling miserable, then went to back out of the space. I forgot there was a pillar to the right of my truck, and bent up the side of it scraping along that pillar.
There’s a good chance that it’s weather-related, so I wouldn’t take it personally.
I don’t know how it is where you are, but here in the PNW everything is basically an ice-skating rink, and no one is driving anywhere.
Yup I tried to go to work this morning but couldn’t make it out of the driveway without the car sliding. Pulled back in as far forwards as possible but an hour later the car has slid back down. It was blocking the sidewalk but I don’t think anyone is walking around in this mess. I was able to get it back in the driveway when stuff started to warm up a little.
Have you tried any of the remote options like betterhelp or similar? I have a buddy who is employed through one of these platforms, the flexibility for both client and therapist seems really great. It’s not at all a case of having sub-par professionals on these sites, if that’s a concern.
If you simply prefer in-person, that’s understandable too. Just know that the options are out there, location shouldn’t limit someone’s therapy options in 2024.
I stopped giving a shit when I was high on weed for 6 years. The bad shroom trip where I came to the conclusion that nothing matters (but it doesn’t need to matter) might have contributed too.
But really, you just have to recognize the things that you have control over and learn to let go of the things you don’t.
Your therapist is a human, and life happens.
Self medicating is not good advice, but fuck, THC has been magical for me in this regard. I’m not saying it’s made everything alright and that it doesn’t carry negatives with it, but overall I’m better with it in my life. I still have other issues with depression and possible ADHD (lots of symptoms, waiting list to get a professional eval) but weed helps me chill and cope with life.
I want to try shrooms, but I need a good Sherpa, and product. I had a little bit of a shroom chocolate bar last new years, but I was already stoned and drunk, so I couldn’t tell where the alcohol ended and the shrooms began.
I’d try acid before shrooms. Shrooms are really hard to dose, so you really don’t know how much you’re getting until shit starts happening.
In my experience, lsd was like, “Hey, I’m tripping, this is pretty chill.” Whereas shrooms were more like, “BUCKLE IN, BITCH, THIS SHIT IS HAPPENING!”
I don’t think of it as developing a thicker skin, but after some weeks of practising metta meditation, I noticed that I found it easier not to take personally the actions of others. This is also known as loving-kindness meditation. It sounds very strange and yet it seems to help.
I used to think similarly and wonder how not to let these things bother me. Then that changed to letting them bother me, but for shorter periods of time. Now I tend to think of it as letting them bother me, but then not feeling bad about letting them bother me, which allows me to let go of those feelings sooner.
It’s not a quick fix, but it might help you very much over the rest of your life. Even basic mindfulness meditation, such as breath meditation, might suffice to start.
Good luck.
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