• @cannedtuna
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    1046 months ago

    Joseph Flannery, a 7th grade Social Studies teacher, admitted he’s looking forward to his deployment.

    “I’m in my late 50s and I’m sad to admit I get winded walking from my car to my classroom, but I thought about it and I can either get shot in a war overseas or I can get shot by some active shooter while I do a lesson about the Revolutionary War,” said Flannery.

    Fucking gold.

    • @asteriskeverything
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      6 months ago

      But you’re only being shot to protect innocents in one scenario (:

      (As a teacher, if that wasn’t obvious)

      • @[email protected]
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        6 months ago

        “innocents”

        (As a teacher, if that wasn’t obvious)

        Never met highschoolers huh?

  • PSoul•Lemmy
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    626 months ago

    The title is the first punch but this line is the KO.

    I can either get shot in a war overseas or I can get shot by some active shooter while I do a lesson about the Revolutionary War.

    • @[email protected]
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      6 months ago

      Also this:

      “Listen Jack, the educators in the country are some of the most hard-working people I’ve ever met. They will make a great addition to the fight against terrorism. It’s because most of them have nothing to live for anyway because they can’t retire, they are in terrifying debt, and [the students] parents get to tell them what they can teach,” said Biden.

      and this:

      At press time, the teachers were holding a bake sale to raise funds for their airfare.

  • @AngryCommieKender
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    306 months ago

    I would give this better than even odds of working.

    • @[email protected]
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      16 months ago

      My favorite from back in the day was “Area Man Passionate Defender of What He Imagines the Constitution to Be” but they’ve been cranking out some really good ones lately

  • Lemminary
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    146 months ago

    That’s it, I’m making the “The Onion headlines that go hard” community.

    • @lazyViking
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      46 months ago

      Why? Do you feel like this community is not curated enough?

      • Lemminary
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        16 months ago

        It’s just a joke :P

  • @Linkerbaan
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    66 months ago

    We’ve come to the logical conclusion that the only way to get government funding is to commit war crimes ourselves.

    …Said Biden. “I’m going to send an extra billion dollars over there to motivate more people to join these brave teachers. Go to Israel and see what the American government can really do. And let’s not forget they won’t have to pay for healthcare over there thanks to our taxpayer dollars.”

  • @Aceticon
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    6 months ago

    Also they’ll be able to call the local riot police whenever they need to remove any student from their classroom by claiming they’re being disruptive.