Bonus points if someone warned you and you went ahead anyway.
Before you share unasked for information with someone consider these two points:
- Is this a teachable moment?
- Does this person want to be taught?
If the answer is No to either one or both, keep to yourself.
In related news: Sometimes people want to vent, sometimes they want solutions. If you don’t know which one is needed it’s okay to ask!
There’s actually a 3 question test for this.
- Does this need to be said?
- Does this need to be said by me?
- Does this need to be said by me right now?
it was explained to me one time as W.A.I.T
Why
Am
I
Talking
This is all great advice that unfortunately I will not be able to take.
You forgot number 4:
- Will this person spread this misinformation to others?
Don’t speak just to speak, speak for a purpose.
That’s sensible advice - often, sharing the info sounds like “I assume that you’re an ignorant, so let me enlighten you little thing”. And/or fails to take into account relevant, but unmentioned details.
However, when discussing in public (like here), and in more general grounds, there’s a complicating factor - the audience. Often what you say might not be useful to the person whom you’re replying to, but it might still be for someone else.
Regarding the venting sometimes people don’t want a solution they just want to vent.
That’s the point.
I feel called out D:
If you feel like you are walking on eggshells every day with your partner you are at best with the wrong person. More likely you are being abused. No, they will not improve. You can try any number of strategies for conflict resolution but the horrors will persist.
That’s also true for friends or close enough acquaintances
I was in this picture, and I still don’t like it.
You can’t convince someone to love you. It either is there or it’s not. They either like you or they don’t. It doesn’t matter how much you work it or angle yourself it’s not there, and you need to move on.
Movies will convince you that you just need to try another way, be romantic. They’re wrong. It makes you come off as desperate and weird. In real life you can tell them you have feelings, but a no is a no, and it means move on.
The thing I’m learning is that if someone falls in love with you while you’re trying your hardest to be lovable, they may not continue to love you when you start to get comfortable and be yourself.
Don’t put energy into a relationship that you cannot sustain or the relationship will fizzle out as soon as you do.
When you go all out, make sure that they are aware on some level that you are going all out and this is a special occasion and not the mandatory minimum.
And if you find yourself putting unsustainable energy into a relationship, that is a gigantic red flag that you yourself need to pay attention to. If the fire won’t stay lit unless you keep pouring gas on it, the fire needs to go out.
As I like to say:
Take me as I am or fuck off.
(Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t work on yourself if you have good reasons to become a “better you”.)
Obviously this depends on where you live and what job you want, but I learned that getting a job is less about “having skills” and more about marketing yourself. Optimizing your CV. Bragging about your work on LinkedIn. Writing a cover letter with the key words they’re looking for.
It’s all very stupid, but it matters a lot to companies.
Also, knowing the right people. Of all my positions, only two did I get by being the best unknown applicant. One was a job setting up private care medical services for the VA. The other was a research assistant position in my Master’s program^1 . All the rest were by people that knew me, so they recruited me specifically. Of course I had to be a good performer to be recruited, but they still knew me before applying.
1: While it wasn’t stated, I think that I got the position in part because they were interested in hiring a gay man for diversity purposes. This was in the 2000s, and the writing sample I submitted with my application was a sociology term paper arguing for LGBTQ rights, so they assumed I was gay. I still had to have an extraordinary application to be considered, but the likely chose me from among the top applicants for my supposed gayness. The thing is that I’m not gay or bi, so I kind of felt bad about it once I started thinking that’s why they recruited me 😕
Thinking about my career, I think you’re right. Of the industry jobs I’ve had, only 1 of them I got without knowing someone in the company or being referred to the company by a mutual 3rd party.
Ironically, the job I got on my own is the best paying by far.
The Public Defender doesn’t give a shit about you.
They also don’t give a shit if you’re truly innocent or guilty. They just want the case to be as easy as possible while also establishing their effectiveness so they can join a wealthy private law firm.
They also don’t give a shit if you’re truly innocent or guilty.
I mean, a lawyer shouldn’t, public defender or no. Their job is to argue a case, not to be the judge.
And public defenders are human beings as well, if you can make yourself a human being to them and not just a task they have to complete in order to get a paycheck then you stand a much better chance of getting high quality representation.
That just because someone treats you better than you’ve ever been treated before, does NOT mean that they are treating you WELL.
If you were bullied or abused as a kid, do some actual reading about what’s normal and healthy, and get out of a situation immediately if there are any even slightly concerning signs. No second chances, no guilt, no self blame, just go.
I learned this for work, too.
Added to that: your company will let you go without warning. If they’ve proved this, then they deserve nothing better. Since then I have ab-sol-ute-ly no qualms about bailing without warning.
Right‽
2 jobs ago, I left with essentially 3 days warning because I was fucking miserable (this gave me a week off between jobs).
The last job I left, I negotiated a 3 week gap, so I’d be able to give a two-week notice AND take a week off because I genuinely liked the job and the people I was working with, but I fell into an opportunity too good to pass up.
A super important life lesson is to always put yourself and your mental health before the company.
I got some life advice somewhere, I don’t remember where, that was essentially: Don’t craft a well-thought-out argument against somebody that John Brown would have shot AND never give two weeks notice to a company that makes you miserable and it has been life changing.
Don’t craft a well-thought-out argument against somebody that John Brown would have shot AND never give two weeks notice to a company that makes you miserable and it has been life changing.
That is amazing advice, and I will try and fail to put the first to good use here on lemmy with these fucking trolls.
A super important life lesson is to always put yourself and your mental health before the company.
This should be the norm. Companies usually don’t care enough about you. They try to nurture loyalty in order to keep wages down while a few up in the hierarchy reap most of the rewards of your hard work.
If you were lying in the death bed, you probably wouldn’t look back and think: “oh gee, I wish I would’ve worked more!”
So always put yourself first over some company.
Despite how you feel and what experts and friends tell you, you might be seriously struggling with mental health. One stiff breeze and the stack of cards comes tumbling down.
If your spouse is near comatose but is still arguing he doesn’t need to go to the hospital, it means he’s in diabetic ketoacidosis and you need to call an ambulance no matter how stubborn he’s being despite not being able to keep his eyes open.
That if you’re happier alone, you should stay that way.
Heck yes. You do you!
Way too many people tried to tell me what’s supposedly good for me. But in the end the best decision I made was to stop listening
If you don’t feel it, don’t do it. Some injuries don’t heal right, and many of the hobbies I enjoy have a pretty damned high risk factor. Almost every single time I’ve had a serious injury, that little voice was telling me “This one might not end well”, and I went for it anyway.
I could have walked away, called it a day, and come back another time. It wasn’t a contest, I was just out filming a few tricks for my “You’re turning 40 and still doing it” video. Didn’t stretch, didn’t warm up, and my over enthusiastic filmer was all “Try this, do that”. Ended up collapsing my knee and fully tearing my MCL.
Between that and a few neck and back fractures over the years, my mobility and flexibility are pretty well shot. There are things I just can’t do anymore.
Sure I still skate, and am amazed just how much I can still get away with, but now every minute on the board includes a constant “Is this safe? Is this worth it?” chant.
This doesn’t solve all problems and wouldn’t have helped at all there. And I know that lots of people don’t like them. But after watching too many YouTube videos of skating tricks in concrete environments going very badly wrong, I’m convinced that having a helmet on while skating is something people should do. You don’t have pads or something, you mess up, grind off some skin, at least you’ll heal. But you land wrong on your head, that doesn’t always heal.
I don’t skate, but I always wear a helmet on a bike. I haven’t had to learn this one the hard way, but I’ve had a bunch of friends who biked a lot. One was a bike messenger, biked all the time, knew his way around a bike, worked in heavy traffic. Then, late one night, someone decided to blow through a stoplight, did a hit-and-run on him. He got really lucky – his dad happened to be out late, found him dying in the empty street. He almost didn’t make it, suffered permanent brain damage, lost memory and stuff. After that, he always wore a helmet. His biking buddy, who previously never wore a helmet, had a huge head of curly hair blowing in the wind, always wore one after that too.
I just don’t fall that way on a skateboard, so I never wear one, though knee pads are a must.
I will never ever ride a snowboard without a helmet. I’ll ride a motorcycle without a helmet before I’ll ride a snowboard without one.
The value of a consistent circadian rhythm.
I have cultivated my circadian arrhythmia to the point where I feel rested after a 20 min nap and feel great after 4 hours of sleep. The shadow people even wave to me in code sometimes to remind me what day it is!
Oh, that’s the dream. #n24swd
You get a bigger raise by just getting a new job.
And…
HR is there to protect the company, not you.
If you feel like you don’t need your medication anymore, that means the medication is working, and doing what it was prescribed to do.
It took me years of reading, talking, and thinking to break religious childhood indoctrination. Being able to let go of a fear of hell was a big step near the end I think.
A funny thing I found out about dwelling on negative emotions like fear and guilt is that it never helped me become a better person. Quite the opposite. Only by facing my issues head-on and forgiving myself if/when I screw up do I actually make progress. (Some religions would have us look ‘outside’ ourselves for forgiveness, but that always places our spiritual wellbeing on some unknowable other.)
Don’t drink alcohol with a mood disorder, It might seem ok for a while, but it’s totally not.
Don’t drink alcohol.
This, exactly. But darn are some people pushy
