geteilt von: https://lemmy.world/post/18499026
“In the entire dataset, 29% of men said they never approached a woman in person before. 27% said it had been more than one year. This was larger for men in the age 18-25 group: 45% had never approached a woman in person,” according to the study.
A majority of single males surveyed reported fear as the main reason they do not approach women for dates in person. Fear of rejection and fear of social consequences were the two most common responses.
The data highlights a growing concern in the United States and abroad — loneliness. A 2023 report from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services found that almost half of U.S. adults report “measurable levels of loneliness.”
It’s interesting to say the least. It seems as though the social repercussions and rejection are the most profound reason. While the fear of rejection is easy enough to digest. But I think the fear or social consequences is a relatively new construct.
From what I understand it’s the fear of being viewed as a creep to approach a woman out of the blue. Which to me, is reasonable enough. But I don’t think I have ever heard my old man or anyone of his generation bringing this to the table.
Yet I do remember asking my friends about picking up hints and whether or not men are really that bad at it. And most them saying the just don’t want to risk misinterpreting it.
Perhaps there is an argument to be made that approaching women like this, has fallen out of social fashion. What do you guys think?
p.s. I hope this is casual enough of a conversation. I kinda screwed up my last one, I admit.
Eh, are they asking about other ways to get into dating though?
This sounds like “cold approaching”. Like a guy walks up to a woman he doesn’t know or barely knows and asks her out. I can tell you for one woman’s perspective, this sort of approach has a 0% chance of working on me. And before anyone says, “but what if he’s good looking and rich hurr durr hypergamy”. No, still no. If anything, a super good looking guy in slick clothes cold approaching me is gonna make me wonder if I’m about to be abducted into his fucked up forced prostitution ring.
Imagining what it might be like for a guy, yeah, “cold approaching” sounds terrifying and likely futile.
Wanna know how I got every single date with a guy ever? Online dating where I was actively open to being approached (no longer a cold approach on the part of the man) or doing some approaching myself. Or I met him through friends and got to know him a bit before we mutually decided the vibes were nice (no “approach” at all). This one requires having friends though, so lots of the worst of the chronically online misogynists are already opting out.
I met my wife by way of “cold approach” but I wasn’t approaching her to flirt or get her number. Honestly, I was trying to bum a smoke. But we got to talking and we just kept at it. She decided she like me and started flirting, I wasn’t totally oblivious and eventually took the hint. I don’t know if that’s different from what you’re talking about or it’s just that we are older than you are. Just adding another data point to the conversation.
I think that also counts as “approaching”, but I think the “cold approach” the user you replied to was talking about, is when a guy just walks up to a woman out of the blue and says “hey, wanna date?”. I think anyone with half a brain can see that’s not a good approach. It would scare anyone away. You have to ease into it, make up an excuse to start a conversation. Like bumming a cigarette. It’s pretty old fashioned, but I think it’s a decent enough way for a man to approach a woman. Of course it can be done very wrong as well.
Yeah I think the biggest thing is not going into it actively looking for some kind of relationship
I would say I’ve never approached a woman romantically not quite out of fear of being viewed as a creep, but out of fear of creeping her out. I’m paranoid about putting people in uncomfortable situations, because I hate when it’s done to me
I could never imagine “approaching a woman romantically”. However, I’d also say it’s 100% a different thing to say, see someone across the room, and then meet at the bar while ordering a drink. “Hey I like how you did your hair” or “Great/terrible music”, small talk you know. If she reacts poorly, eh you tried. But maybe you strike up a conversation, all about confidence
That’s always my fear, is coming off as a creep. Part of it is knowing that despite my finding them interesting or nice to talk to, I’m confident that no one finds me interesting or nice to talk to or be around.
I can remember friends of mine who worked in retail wearing fake wedding rings to fend off advances, because they happened day in and day out, and guys were pushy, and can remember being chatted up every time we went to a club or out anywhere, every single day I worked at a restaurant or in a retail store, and I am not stunning in looks - if this has declined by 90% it is probably at a reasonable level now. You are right those guys didn’t think they were creepy, that doesn’t mean they weren’t.
Online dating has problems, the commodification of people, etc. but you can’t compare it to some ideal that didn’t exist.
Not picking up on hints is a separate thing - that is with someone you already know, right? Who is being subtle because they also don’t know if you are interested. I think you should feel more free to ask someone you know out and they should feel free to accept or decline without thinking you are creepy for asking. That’s not creepy.
I can’t speak to how common this is, or if overall rates have declined, but I still do it. There are a lot of people in the comments who are worried about coming off as a creep, and I’m sure a lot of guys do come off that way, but I don’t think it’s that hard to hit on someone in a non-creepy way. I asked a woman out last week like so-
Me: “Hey, sorry if this is abrupt but would you like to have lunch or a coffee sometime?”
Her: “Yeah! That sounds like fun”
Me: “Cool, let me give you my number…”
Me (after chatting a bit): “Sorry for hitting on you out of the blue.”
Her: “It’s totally fine!”Things to note:
- I gave her my number instead of asking for hers so that she could turn me away by just not texting me.
- I was relaxed and willing to joke about my abrupt approach.
- I’m not exceedingly handsome, but not particularly ugly either.
- I’m ready to exit the conversation politely and humorously if she turns me down.
- We had talked briefly a few times prior to my approaching her.
We had talked briefly a few times prior to my approaching her.
So it wasn’t completely out of the blue. I feel like this part is pretty critical. You had established yourself in a positive way before making the ask. If your first-ever interaction with her had been asking her out on a date, I doubt it would have gone as well.
Agreed. The difference between reading 95% and 100% of that comment is massive.
How to be a millionaire.
- work hard attitude
- get up at 5am
- get a million dollars from parents.
how to talk to women.
- be light hearted
- don’t put her on the spot
- have talked to her previously.
Tl;dr women are humans, talk to them as humans, and maybe they’ll be up for making another human with you.
This comparison is ridiculous as they are completely different. This isn’t about talking to other humans, it’s about trying to establish a romantic relationship. It isn’t a tautology that to date someone you had to speak to them.
Having spoken to someone a little bit before asking them out for a date is very standard behaviour in every environment outside of locations where people are there specifically to find a romantic relationship (be that just sex, or more), like a bar, tinder, speed dating, etc.
It’s like, don’t just approach a woman in the office that you’ve never spoken to, and ask her out. It’s very unlikely (but granted, not impossible) that she wants to go from total strangers, to starting a relationship with romantic intentions, with someone she also has never spoken to.
But, if you’re making a coffee and she’s there too, be friendly and talk to her. Ask socially normal and typical questions like if she had a good weekend, and if so what did she get up to. If she’s receptive, keep talking to her. Once this has happened a few times, and she’s engaging with you - rather than just being polite and trying to get away ASAP - then ask her out. This doesn’t have to take a long time, it could be as quick as a couple of days, if you’re getting good responses from her.
Fair. She works in a place that I’ve been a few times and I have said hello once or twice.
I’ve only done a cold approach a couple times in my life, and it did indeed always end in disaster. So I gave up on that fully. Eventually met my wife on a dating site, but I understand that that’s becoming much more difficult now with the enshitification, and it was never easy.
IMO yes, but true of men too. If someone is interested in dating then they are on one or more dating apps or sites, and that is the safe front door they have created to date on their terms.
Dating apps don’t work for everyone though.
I’m still holding out hope that I can meet someone in person, because I’m 99% sure I’ll never get a date out of an app.
I was and still am very cautious of approaching woman. I asked my gf in person as well because i just think its just important to be genuine and personal about it.
I asked my gf in person as well because i just think its just important to be genuine and personal about it.
When you say you asked your gf in person. What exactly do you mean by this?
Sorry in my head that sounded more clear than it reads. Well i asked her for her number before she was my gf in person.
Wait, if you didn’t have her number how else were you gonna ask her out than in person??
I could have asked her via instagram (i don‘t have insta but she has) or via a friend of hers that i know.
I think the idea of approaching anyone in person is out-of-fashion, but it should be done regardless.
In the same year I approached two women out of the blue before the pan. One complimented me for doing so outside of a dating app and the other looked at me like I violated a social norm.
I’ll be honest, I really want to meet a nice woman at some point.
This Lemmy discussion is valid.
For reference, I’m in my early 30s. A random guy trying to ask me out would probably be a no-go, just for the fact that I don’t even know you. Probably because I’m kind of sheltered and don’t tend to strike up conversations with strangers. Maybe if we were at coffee/book/record shop or something and had a nice conversation first (so that I could at least gauge if he’s a weirdo or not), and THEN he asks me out.
Actually all of the people I’ve dated were people in my friend circle, friends of friends, people I went to school with, or coworkers. This kind of proximity dating has been enough for me since I’ve never felt… romantically lonely (I’m not gonna count highschool lol). I’ve never done online-dating because I’ve never felt the need to.
Basically I’m saying the random approach would probably, most likely, not work for someone like me.😅
I also think we’ve all heard plenty of dates-gone-wrong type of stories – and you hear a lot because the world’s very connected now and we love to share. And so that certainly makes a person more guarded, wary.
I wonder what the older generation’s dating experience was like. I’d like to think they were more outgoing and trusting and had an easier time! xD
How is the act of romantically approaching men out by women coming along statistically?
No, but it’s more uncommon. It would be nice to have the kind of culture where everyone felt more comfortable with it and cooperated to find good matches naturally.
Yup. Relying on dating apps to propagate our species is good for no one but the dating app stockholders.
I found the best way to meet people has been EDM festivals and hobby events.
