As a shut in with social anxiety and very introverted I’m wondering how to find friends now that I got better. Basically starting from zero since I know nobody in my city so I’m wondering if someone has some experience with finding friends as lonely anxious introvert and just how other people find friends.
Recently…they’ve kind of just adopted me. I’m incredibly shy, but I had been going to a little local coffee shop (just to get out of the house) and always tried to be kind and engage with the people working there when they would talk with me. I had a few really emotional weeks, and one of the owners picked up on it. She handed me a note with her number, and let me know I could always talk with her. She ended up inviting me to a little Halloween pumpkin painting night with some of her friends, and I connected with them super well! Now they invite me out to little activities, food, movie nights, etc.
That’s kind of how I’ve meant most of the friends I’ve had- be kind, be interested, and be present! People get more comfortable the more they see you around, so even if you’re a little shy or awkward, someone might extend a hand and bring you into their circle.
She handed me a note with her number, and let me know I could always talk with her.
That is awesome. I wish men got this kind of support when they are showing distress in public.
edit: I should clarify, not the ‘giving phone number’ part, just some support. In my experience men who look like they are suffering in any way are just actively avoided.
Never really thought of that, but it’s so true how men showing distress just get avoided or ignored…
Men are always expected to “man up” when dealing with any difficulty, especially emotional ones. Western social culture (values?) is a fucking mess
Or actively ridiculed
Hobby oriented stuff. Take a look at meetup.com or public recurring Facebook events. From a nerdy perspective also; Game stores that host groups and events public clubs like I have a monthly anime club near me for instance.
Hobbies were always my go to in the past, but honestly I didn’t have a ton of luck with that. I’ve made most of my new friends this past year in one of three ways:
- Starting a group for people like me. I run a small but global chat group for people to find friends, I won’t be linking it for privacy and safety reasons even in DMs, sorry.
- Activism. Activists are the nicest people on the planet and just being in their presence generates friends. I’m on my way home from a huge protest, and I basically just walked around and sat in tents and people just befriended me without me prompting at all. The exposure at events like this has boosted my confidence a huge amount and now I’m one of those people who actively befriends others too.
- Volunteering. Same thing as activism tbh, you build a sense of camaraderie very easily when you’re working towards a common goal. I cooked about ~1000 meals at that protest as a volunteer cook and made about 20 friends in the first hour, it’s nuts.
I hate how people say volunteer or activism all the time as a suggestion, many of us don’t care about any type of cause or crusade and faking interest just to get friends or laid is even worse
You’re going to have to get out of the house and interact with people, whether that is at work or some other group function. Some people use bars/clubs for that, others use church. Some engage in sports or gym, some join a book club. Seek out situations that force interaction with others and be open to it without making it weird by seeming needy.
Honestly I am an introvert with social anxiety who is always worried about seeming needy, but I have found the good kind of extroverts that understand that and know that I am just shy and not intentionally trying to cling. The best kind of people.
“You’re going to have to get out of the house an-”
I’m out.
…out of the house I hope.
As a shut in with social anxiety and very introverted I’m wondering how to find friends now that I got better.
Like others have rightly suggested: hobbies, volunteering, taking classes. Imho, hobbies with IRL encounters are great. You can also check moist local public libraries, they will often have activities.
Are you into sketching or anything art-related (photo, painting,…)? Try to find groups, classes,… Urban sketching groups should be the simpler to find in many cities, no matter how big or small they are. People going out together to make some (street) photography, maybe?
Do you play chess? There are cafés, clubs, shops that will organize encounters or simply let anyone play some games with other people. Here in Paris, beside a shop or maybe two where you’re almost sure to meet other players (not to play there as there is no room for that, but to chat), the first place I would suggest any newcomer to go and have a look, weather allowing, is at the jardin du Luxemboug. There is a dedicated spot where anyone can meet other players and start playing. Chess sure is a great way to meet and start talking to people be it as a player or as a spectator.
Scale modelling is too. Be part of a club with regular meetings. Imho this is one of the best way for anyone looking to spend hours discussing with other people that often are more than willing to talk about a common interest: building/painting/criticizing scale models and, well, just having a chat about the hobby and whatever thematic a specific model kit may be about (race cars, tanks, planes, boats, scifi, figurines, such or such history period, it’s endless). Scale modeling is not only a niche hobby it is also a rather lonely hobby too. So, any opportunity to meet a fellow modeler will often be appreciated — any impression I may have been a scale modeler myself would not be a pure coincidence, and even though I quit practicing the hobby I’m still always more than happy to talk about it.
very introverted
No mater what you decided to try, as an extreme introvert myself, I would say the most important thing to keep in mind is that there is no assurance this will work.
As a matter of fact, I would say that more often than not it won’t work. And that’s nothing to do with you (, or I, or anyone else)? It’s just that most people are not going to those places/gatherings in order to be picked up as new friends by others. They go there to enjoy whatever it is they’re enjoying doing.
Just be fine with it and don’t ever think it is because of you that you did not met a new friend. Even if it happens you will screw something because you were too shy, or too anxious or whatever, that’s fine. That’s just how things are and how they work. This also why true friendship is at least as precious as love is, it’s rare. Also, the older you get the harder it will be, says I a 50+ years old dude.
Just keep on trying… and don’t push too hard or you risk pushing people away ;)
If your public library is moist it’s a hazard to human health and you should not go inside
What about the fear of actually going to an event? My brain still sees it as a life or death situation. I can barely manage to get groceries, and thats after years of fixing.
The only way it gets easy is by going through it repetitiously until you’ve become desensitized. Which is obviously easier said than done. It’s a gradual process and will often involve periods of regression in between periods of progress, but if you’ve been through years of fixing then you probably know this. Are therapy or medications an option for you? They can make the process easier.
Medicine didn’t help(although i didnt have my shit together enought to stop drinking at that time) but I figured out enough Ai to pirate therapy on my own hardware. It’s what I got to work with.
As a shut in with social anxiety and very introverted
As someone who is similar, my advice is this. Get yourself one friend who is the exact opposite. If they care about you, they’ll basically force you to attend social functions and stuff with them, and that will put you into a situation to get more comfortable with more people. Their friends become your friends.
This would be great, now just to find some extrovert that would adopt me.
That’s the tricky part. School or work are the usual avenues. There’s also dating. I ended up marrying my extrovert.
Lots of “hobby” answers and that’s true. One thing to mention is that some dating apps aren’t just for dating and have different checkmarks for what you are looking for - including friendships.
Do you have an hobbies that may have groups in your area? What about volunteering somewhere if feasible?
All my hobbies are inside, gaming, movies, anime, tv shows, cooking/baking. Was looking into some larp club but there are only for kids and teenagers.
Local game shops will definitely have board game nights
For inside hobbies there’s board game groups, tabletop roleplaying, TCGs (Magic, Pokemon). A lot of Local Game stores run events that don’t require you to know anyone to start. If you like cooking, there could be local classes or a short course run by a college that you could do.
More out of left field, I found that dancing introduces you to a lot of people. Lindy Hop (vintage swing dancing), Salsa, Bootscooting. Pick your poison and there is likely to be a dozen classes or social dances in your area. Not for everyone of course, but usually if someone goes out to dance they want to be social, so you’re bound to find someone to chat with.
gaming
Pokémon Club! I went with my kids ages ago, and I’m the only one that habitually goes now.
Half the group are below 5-20, the other half are 20 and above - and it’s an absolute riot. I’ve made some decent friends, taken Pokémon Go raid bosses that I’d never have been able to take in a rural area normally, and the adult-only raid walks are just a good excuse to chat bollocks. I’m not really in to the TCG side of things, but even the people who I don’t have much in common with are awesome for type and counter knowledge.
I’m not even big into the Pokémon series, it’s just an excuse to talk shite for an hour and rinse some XP.
Have any outdoor hobbies ever interested you? Never too late to get into something new.
Same, I hate how you can’t do anything with single inside hobbies, but I can’t fake interest in outside stuff
Agree with LBS/LGS!! If you live in an area that doesn’t have those maybe try discord groups of some games you like? Or be a rando in some group games and maybe find friends that way
Cooking and baking classes are fun and a good place to meet people.
What kind of gaming are you into?
All kinds mainly automation but also love tf2. Factorio, timber born, fallout, space engineers, valheim,
Bars, volunteering, church, board game shops, dating sites, neighbors. Anecdotally I got a dog and now I know everyone in my neighborhood due to walking him twice a day, but I wouldn’t go as far as recommending a dog for that purpose.
I second dog. Also just walking to and from a local shop is better (for social opportunities) than driving or biking.
I would also add gardening. I’ve got a front yard and I met more people in one summer digging it up than I had in the previous five years. If you don’t have a front yard to dig in, a community garden would also work, or maybe even some guerrilla gardening.
Meetup.com is great for meeting people, and it’s good if you don’t necessarily have a hobby or want to explore more things. There are hobby-based meetups as well as those more based on socializing and recreation and plenty else to explore.
Just do what I do.
When you’re feeling lonely, just go out into public and talk to the first person you see. Once that painful experience is over, just go home and be grateful you don’t have to do that again.
I made friends with people I work with.
Same. I’ve been having a blast for the last year with three other ppl from work: we go for coffees, play board games every two weeks, chat in messages.
Haven’t been so happy with my social life since, like, ever.
That is a horrible idea. You should always keep your work and personal life separate.
This is dumb as hell. Why wouldn’t you want to be make friends with the people you are going to be spending nearly a third of your time with?
Work friendships can get messy. Conflicts, promotions, or job changes can strain the relationship and create awkwardness or lead to unfair situations. Additionally, you never want to give your coworkers dirt that they can use against you. It’s safer to keep things professional and make friends outside of work.
It’s safer to not do a lot of stuff. Soooo many things everyone does every day “can get messy.” But I’ll be damned if I spend a third of my life being a work robot. Granted, I’m not in a cut-throat, dog eat dog work environment like I imagine a lot of folks are, but it’s bad blanket advice to say don’t make friends at work. I work with two other guys, we all do the same thing, we all have similar interests, and we would all be super stoked for each other if any of us got a promotion.
Good advice: Just use your brain. Yeah, if that bitch Carol from accounting is gunning for the same position as you, probably don’t tell her how hard you were partying last weekend with the bosses daughter. But if Dave from IT is talking about that super sweet video game you’ve also been playing, get in there and have a fun chat with Dave. Get his screen name. Kill some zombies with Dave.
Just pay attention, read the room, and think before you speak. You can definitely have work friends in any work environment if you don’t make dumb decisions.
I have no idea what you’re talking about. I resolve conflicts as they appear, personal or work related, they are a part of any relationship. Promotions - I am a dev, not sure what promotions would be relevant, and how that would be a problem. Job changes - many of my friends that I’ve made at work through the years changed jobs and we’re still friends - I don’t see a problem here either? And what dirt? How would they use it? If I told them I am tired lately, they would told the boss that I am slacking or something? And the boss would probably just think they are a weirdo to keep eye on? Maybe you work in a very toxic environment, I have never had any issues.
I agree, while I’m super chummy with my work mates and love them to death. I would never in a million years hang out with any of them…
Let me know if you figure it out. I plan to start doing yoga, so we’ll see how that goes.
Went to the local animal rescue and picked one. 🤟
I started playing Disc Golf and then went to a local League night weekly for a summer. That got me familiar with a lot of people and I made a few friends to play with on the weekends.
