A chilly, distant demeanor. Is it an asshole that hates you, or is it an introvert that just wants to go home?
Honestly I’m an extrovert that gets lost in thought sometimes. I have the meanest looking resting removed face when I am. But I’m as gentle as a butterfly and always up for a good conversation if anyone approaches.
resting removed face
What?
I think some instances remove swear words so you just see ‘removed’
That is…really fucking annoying. What do they think we are? 6?
I can’t say bitch…?
You can, but users on their instance can’t
Why would anyone want to be on an instance like that?
You can but why would you want to?
Son of a bitch… they’re right!
For anyone interested, it’s the infamous slur filter. I didn’t know that it replaced things with removed though, I thought it meant “distant” or some such 😆
It’s basically the angry look face all the time even thou they’re not angry.
Yes
Why not both
Oh, like Mr. Darcy!
Closely related is someone who’s just a bit to the point with their responses. I don’t mean the “I’m just saying” people; those people are assholes. I mean stuff like when someone skips the pleasantries and dives right into their question or comment. Instead of saying “hi”, they’ll dive right into saying “I have an issue with X”. Or when they see something wrong when reviewing your work, they’ll just outright say “this isn’t right” without trying to sugarcoat it.
Personally, I like when people do that, particularly from people I know have good intentions. I don’t want to waste time doing some “hi, how are you / I’m good, yourself?” sort of handshake when someone has a question for me. And reviews are a constant, daily thing in my job (software dev), so I don’t want time wasting flowery language in review comments, nor do I want to waste time typing such up myself.
“I’m just asking questions.” Could be a child, could be a moon-landing conspiracy person.
Could be someone who’s genuinely trying to understand someone’s viewpoint, but it reveals inconsistencies in the other person’s logic, so they get irritated.
I’m autistic. This is the story of my life.
Ever since getting into arguments with strangers online stopped being fun for me, I try to be extremely polite to people when I’m asking a probably confrontational question.
On the internet, a good amount of time people asking questions in comments sections are often just trying to show others how much they know about something in the most passive aggressively way possible, so it better to always be extra clear that you’re trying to engage on a healthy discussion.
Politeness online can go a very long way. Once you realise this, it honestly starts to become a bit cringe how many people are stomping around online being rude and just generally, IMO/IME, stressing everyone else out and bringing down the vibes of the place.
Eh, if it’s coming from an adult who should know better, I wouldn’t say it’s being misinterpreted as a sign of being an asshole.
E.g. Tucker Carlson is just asking questions so that he can supply his own answers to them, that he doesn’t want to suffer the obvious consequences for stating.
I think the big deciding factor is how they’re approaching the questions and what the questions are. Like, if someone is “just asking questions” where the questions just so happen to be a common bad faith talking point, yeah, I’m gonna assume they’re also acting in bad faith.
Eg, leading questions are a particularly common example here. The amount of lean towards their already-decided viewpoint can vary. They might word their question to be convinced away from their viewpoint as the default (“why isn’t the moon landing fake?”), or maybe they’ll provide a statement that obviously gives more weight to their side (“the government is so untrustworthy, so how can we trust the moon landing was real?”).
But often, they even do word the questions in a perfectly valid way, because they’re not trying to get an answer. They’re not gonna be convinced and they’re trying to get an answer. What they want to do is make someone else mistake being stumped for “this person might be right”. Eg, if someone asks you “is the moon landing real?” and you don’t actually know how to prove that it’s real, that can make you think that perhaps it wasn’t real. After all, you can’t explain how it is. But that’s a fallacy. You not being able to explain it has nothing to do with whether or not it’s real. Asking questions is cheap and easy. It takes no time investment compared to answering or understanding an answer. That makes it effective for planting seeds of doubt. And of course, people should think critically, but many folks aren’t going to or aren’t don’t have the time. So they’ll retain this low effort seed of doubt and that’s it.
Plus of course, searching for these questions, especially leading ones, can get you to fall into conspiracy theory or alt right echo chambers, which will have the leading question included in multiple times and technically is a better match from a pure SEO point of view. Search engines do try and train themselves against the common leading questions, but they often have to do that explicitly. This is actually an area where search engines like DuckDuckGo do worse at. You’re more likely to have a leading question in the top results because, again, it really is the most accurate match for that question. Should search engines direct you to the correct results or should they direct you to the results that are most accurate for what you searched for? Nobody really agrees and it’ll be criticized either way (personally, I think that correctness is far more important because otherwise the search engines propagates misinformation).
Not being a conversational person.
I don’t do small talk very well and I very quickly run put of things to say to someone I don’t know so I don’t like to just talk rubbish with someone, I prefer to remain quiet and get on with what I am doing.
I don’t mean that the person isn’t worth talking to or I don’t like them, if they need something from me or have a question then I’ll galdly answer or help them, but almost everyone takes it as a slight against them when i dont want to engage in idle chit chat and assume I’m an arsehole when I’m really not trying to be.
listen, as someone who needs to be social but isnt, it is ok to let there be awkward silences. it is ok.
it isn’t your job to be entertaining. conversation is a 2 way road.
contribute, motherfucker
People don’t need to talk to you if they don’t want to People are so selfish just let people be some of use are on the spectrum and don’t want to be forced into dumb conversations just because you can’t be quite for a few hours
As an autistic person I love interacting with people like you.
You’d like Northern Europe.
I think we are the same person
My trick is earbuds. Even if I’m not listening to anything. Also helps to be living in a country where you’re not generally supposed to go talk to strangers
It took me way too long to realize when someone asks how my weekend was it’s because they want to talk about their weekend
Parking in a handicapped parking spot and having no visible disability.
It’s bizarre to me how many people assume that disabilities must be visible. And not just visible, but that it has to be glaringly visible.
You’d think that it’d be well known that visibilities might not be obvious, but nope.
I have an invisible, part-time disability. I used to have a wheelchair and a handicapped hang tag, but I got rid of the tag because it wasn’t worth getting hassled everywhere I parked. Thankfully, the medication is helping and I haven’t needed the wheelchair in a very long time, but that doesn’t mean I won’t need it tomorrow.
It’s like people want any excuse to be a righteous jackass.
What about parking diagonally across two or three disabled parking spots?
That’s being an asshole who might be addicted to tic tac toe.
Setting up boundaries.
Massive one. People automatically assume those who have defined areas that others are not allowed to access (ie personal/physical contact, topics of communication, literal areas they restrict in their home, etc) are prudish and being willfully obstinate for unfounded reasons, without considering why these boundaries are set in the first place.
The second you inconvenience someone, they assume you’re the problem.
Being bluntly honest. People who are neurodivergent can struggle with being “politely dishonest” and can tell you what they think in a very blunt manner without meaning to offend.
Not engaging in small talk. Again, people who are neurodivergent tend to prefer talking about things that fascinate them and can have a hard time understanding the point of talking about just whatever.
Struggling with being on time, struggling to focus on someone or something, struggling with eye contact. In general, neurodivergent traits tend to be seen as “asshole behavior” because they are abnormal and don’t conform to society. People who aren’t normal tend to be viewed as assholes because how dare they inconvenience me by being different.
Source: personal experience as well as listening to the experiences of others. I’ve been hit with all these things at least once and accused of being an asshole, aloof, and/or self-centered.
I think it’s important to bear in mind that some of those things are what neurotypical folks, I guess you could call them, use to convey interest or disinterest. Eye contact is a way to express interest, and helps to show one is intently listening to the speaker. Conversely, frequently glancing away is kind of the body language equivalent of giving short “uh huh” type answers when one is trying to disengage from a conversation.
My point isn’t that you should feel bad about struggling with these nuances; I just think it’s worth mentioning that some of those negative reactions you may have experienced just has to do with expectations in body language. It’s not that someone who’s neurodivergent is being an asshole, it’s just that they’re sending out signals we’re otherwise used to interpreting as disinterest, and that is (often) off-putting.
Again, it’s not something to feel bad about, it’s just communicating on different wavelengths so-to-speak. Sort of like a language/culture difference.
I would agree with you except that I’ve seen people try to clarify that they’re autistic, or ADHD, or bipolar, etc, and explain that it causes them to act in that manner and sometimes, no matter how hard they try, they can’t surpress it or “act normal”; only to be told overwhelmingly by the people in the room/thread that they’re an asshole and selfish for not trying hard enough.
I do understand that some of those things are used as visual indicators for people to determine how the other is feeling about the current conversation, and maybe it’s way more important to people than I realize; but there are way too many people who will tell you that if you can’t alter your behavior to be normal, then you’re an asshole.
Man, I’m sorry to hear that’s your experience. I guess some folks simply refuse to be understanding.
I find that struggling to be on time is fine, actually not being on time is disrespectful of my time. In modern society we have so many options available to make sure we can keep on time. Set up alarms, time how long it takes you to get dressed and out the door, time how long it takes you to get somewhere, set alarms to keep you on time based on what you’ve actually measured, not what one “feels” is enough time.
Personally I’m more often than not 5+ minutes early; I can always wait a little more before I go in or something, it’s often harder to “just get there faster”.
BTW; if someone is late because of something outside their control that’s fine; just make sure to inform me ASAP.
I think the core trait to look out for is willingness to work around personal issues. With time that might be an openness about your problems, at the very least. Maybe aiming for half an hour earlier, communicating status often and early. Fucking up is human, but not trying your best not to fuck up is a dick move.
Yeah, i can relate. Yesterday i empathized with people doing moral wrong stuff, saying that i can understand their logic. And than was acused that it would be my logic. That irrate me the whole night, but in the end it just was my brutal honesty and a lack of black and white thinking.
But yeah, it hurts when people missread that. I hope you doing good :)
Not to be mistaken for “tough love,” the concept that manipulative people will often use to defend their coercive verbal assaults on their targets.
Someone who’s assertive (not to be mistaken for someone who thinks they’re assertive and really is just an asshole).
Someone offering constructive criticism.
Especially those two put together.
Well for one, I wish I could tell people no when they ask me to social events without being interpreted as an asshole
“I’d love to, but unfortunately I am busy tonight.”
Still kinda rude. You have to at least imply you’ll try to swing by for a short time, as a bare minimum.
Honestly, in a situation like this, I don’t care. If I’m busy, I’m busy. And if politely telling them that is seen as rude, it’s not me who’s the problem.
I don’t know anyone who doesn’t understand the concept of “I’m busy tonight.” Nor have I ever heard of someone thinking it’s rude to not always be available.
But if you have no intention to then you’re just lying and now you’re actually being an asshole instead of just being thought to be one
The fact that they have a record.
Look for a pattern, not a single instance. And yet companies and people hold bad decisions of the past against most folks.
Same goes for having no record, aka the famous gap in a resume. It’s not really about being perceived as a dick, but the same applies nonetheless.
If you ever get a question about a gap in your resume: “I signed an NDA”.
… just don’t tell them it was with yourself
That’s obviously part of the NDA
deleted by creator
Asking a dog owner to use their leash rather than letting their dog walk up to you or your kids.
Refusing to engage.
Saying no and not backing down from it
aka Boundaries.
Too many people can’t deal with that, but that’s their problem.
Not agreeing to false logic (say, out of pressure to be polite or non-confrontational), especially when the next step would be doing something based on that logic. People sincerely don’t understand why deceiving you once like this won’t work another time and think it makes you an asshole.
<PUT MOST ND TRAITS HERE>
North Dakota? Non-dairy?
Neuro-Divergent
Being vague and expecting everyone to know what you mean with a particular acronym. HFAYQT? 🤷♂️
Reminds of a post a few days ago, that described how people think you’re condescending and sit on a high horse, just because you use some fancy words here and there.
Meanwhile I’m just trying to describe something with as much detail as possible, because it’s important to convey exactly what I mean.
If you’re not being eloquent in your interlocution, then what are you even doing?
