if I share interests with a woman and we’re both single and I’m attracted to her why would I not want to ask her to be my gf?
would not drop a relationship if she turned me down but would prioritize any future gf over her, same with a dude barring a massive discrepancy in years known
I have seen this play out first hand and the woman friend then got jealous of the new gf lmao, personal experience says women still want to be your focus even when just ‘friends’
if I share interests with a woman and we’re both single and I’m attracted to her why would I not want to ask her to be my gf?
Any number of reasons. Most of my female friends I’ve realized full-well that we simply wouldn’t make a good couple from the start. But I love them dearly as my friends.
handwave the attracted part to mean good fit and not just sexually appealing
so the greeks break down friendship into a number of groups and most women I’ve met that became friends have been ‘fellow voyagers’ so not much shared interest keeping long standing ties
so assume limited time in your life, what exactly do you do with these dearly loved women that don’t make relationship material? do you share hobbies?
so assume limited time in your life, what exactly do you do with these dearly loved women that don’t make relationship material? do you share hobbies?
Yes, that’s what I do with most of my friends?
then it doesn’t really matter what gender imo
so yea what hobbies are these exactly that you’ve made multiple life long friendships over?
how much time do you spend with them weekly? how does your significant other feel about this, this can be a problem with even straight guy friends
I’m really curious about specifics because it’s never as simple as your posts play it out to be
then it doesn’t really matter what gender imo
I mean… yes. That’s kind of the point of friendship, I suppose?
so yea what hobbies are these exactly that you’ve made multiple life long friendships over?
Philosophy, art, games, history, politics.
how much time do you spend with them weekly?
Used to be every weekend, and often several weekdays too. Unfortunately, the past two years my living situation has been in flux, and I haven’t been near enough to my friends to have that regular time with them.
how does your significant other feel about this, this can be a problem with even straight guy friends
Single atm, but I’ve never had a problem because I’ve never dated anyone who wanted me to prune my socialization for her.
not to be mean but that reads like ‘fellow voyagers’, it’s a lot of work to keep close when apart like that
I had a few female friends like that in college, it ended poorly but they were solid friends, it gets harder when people start having kids and such especially across different states (people say this, it was this way for me, ymmv)
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While you have no problem with the original post personal anecdote being misandric?
I’m sorry are stereotypes uncool? did we both read the same op? should I have made my anecdote a funny little story? or is it just the ogny part you have problems with
not wanting to be someone’s friend or partner are both equally valid. I don’t know what the fuzz is all about
The fuzz is about people not being up front about which of those they’d like to be and the resulting conflict.
Wow this is fantastic!
Girls deserve to have good friendships with guys without having to take up mammoth-hunting!
I have a ( I can’t say girlfriend, I can’t say lady friend and I don’t want to say female friend because it sounds neckbeardy) friend who has this issue.
She much prefers having guy friends but the single ones often start to show signs they are interested in dating her when she is just looking for friendship.
I’m one of the few guy friends she has that has not tried put the moves on her. She’s invited a few of us to a games convention over the years and both the other guys have been dropping hints at their intentions and she wants none of it. These are guys she has been friends with for years, and the two most recent ones have been from my home country as well which annoys me. She doesn’t seem to be able to take us out anywhere without issues.
Her and I get along well, very similar interests, hobbies, and views but we have no interest in each other in any intimate way. My mother absolutely loves her.
Where I am from, a lot of people just assume a guy and girl cannot be friends. Something has to be going on between them. I’ve always had gal friends? and every time someone has assumed something is going on and it never has.
A lot of people used to tell me growing up, that I should make friends with a girl first and then ‘upgrade’ to a relationship. Yeah no I don’t like that, seems underhanded, but sure it could happen when 2 friends develop feelings for each other but don’t go into a friendship expecting more.
It’s really great of you to be sensitive to these dynamics and to be such a straightforward friend. Clearly you see how rare it is, as the other guy friends are trying, however subtly, to girlfriend your mutual friend (who is a woman). Just keep being a good guy, because that’s who you are.
In the spirit of harebrained schemes, drag has a suggestion:
Tell the guys you have a crush on her, you want to ask her out, and you’re calling dibs. And then don’t. Tell her about the plan in advance so there are no misunderstandings with her. But let them think they’re upholding the “bro code” by not putting the moves on her.
If she wants to get in on the scheme, she can turn them down by explaining she already has a crush on you and can’t see herself with anyone else. And both of you should be absolutely adamant that the guys must absolutely not tell your “crush” your “true feelings”. You’re just too nervous, and you’d see any reveal of your secret as a breach of trust.
It’s called “The Mordecai”.
Taking up mammoth hunting to befriend a guy in pursuit of a platonic friendship is 100% the worst way to go about it.
If a woman presents any man with the opportunity to hunt an extinct megafauna with her, she is absolutely the most desirable mate possible. The amount of effort she would have to undertake would be a clear sign she is interested unless it is presented as a group activity.
You do have to be careful, I suppose - how many generations of our male ancestors, after all, have been seduced by that age-old hunter-gatherer pickup line: “MEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!”
True. I can easily be wooed with carne asada tacos and/or bacon.
Like, if I woke up a chick’s place for the first time and she made me a plate of bacon, I’m a tuna in a bucket.
Never really thought too much about the friendzone thing, but this is pretty interesting read from the “friend’s” perspective. Not sure what to make of it since I haven’t been on “open markets” for many many years and I’m basically friend-zoning everyone and there’s no expectations for anything else, but happy to have read it
It’s a phenomenon that’s always puzzled me a bit - the concept of the ‘friendzone’. Who is out there pretending to make friends in the hopes of getting a girlfriend? If the motivation is carnal, surely there are easier ways to get laid; if the motivation is romantic, surely any friendship valuable enough to be worth considering girlfriend material on is also worth preserving on its own merits if the friend doesn’t want to go any further? I suppose I understand if you’ve accidentally and quietly fallen madly in love and your heart is completely broken, but that hardly accounts for how widespread complaints about being ‘friendzoned’ are.
It’s just bizarre. We socialize my gender so fucking poorly in our society.
Its just not that binary and people change their minds (intentionally and unintentionally). Let’s say you meet some people and you’re not sure if you’d like to date any of them, but you at least know you’d like to get to know them and hang out more. Then after getting to know them (likely in group settings) you then realize that you’d like to date one of them. Then you get the courage to ask and they’re not interested and just wanted to be friends. Sprinkle in some apprehension here and there and then you have the meme. It’s not as black and white as immediately categorizing people you meet as “friend” or “carnal” and then sticking with that label forever. None of this is static and we’re all just making it up as we go.
I think it can happen for a number of reasons.
One is that location plays a distressingly familiar role in romantic relationships (we fall in love with the people who happen to be around us). Another is that casual intimacy goes out of the window for many boys after a certain age - their friends and family have stopped touching them, so if a girl treats them as they normally would another female friend, and does something meaningless like gently squeeze their elbow, it’s the most amount of intimacy the boy has experienced in a while, and it gets elevated beyond its intent.
Also don’t underestimate how easily many 15-year old boys “fall in love”. If it is really love or just a craving for intimacy, is only determined later.
Source: have 1 year of experience being a 15-year old boy
It’s funny that you never see this post with opposite genders. I’ve never once seen a guy complain that all women in his life wants to be his girlfriend…
To answer your post. Yeah I think that’s just how it is. I don’t know a single guy that has female friend(s) he hangs out with on the regular. We’re generally not interested in that.
I know a guy who complains about that. But it only happens to pretty people.
To answer your post. Yeah I think that’s just how it is. I don’t know a single guy that has female friend(s) he hangs out with on the regular. We’re generally not interested in that.
y i k e
You think I’m wrong?
I’m close to 40 and this has been the case since I was a teenager. I have women I’d consider friends but I don’t hang out with them like I do with guy friends.
I think mostly it’s just that our interests doesn’t really align.
It might’ve been true for your personal experiences, but it’s not universal, especially across different generations. It’s definitely more of an issue for exceptionally attractive people of any gender.
I genuinely feel for attractive people
I’ve been moderately attractive once for a few years in my life and it was fucking awful, got grouped multiple times as a guy, can’t imagine being a hot woman for decades
it does always feel like people want stuff from you
You think I’m wrong?
Yes.
I think mostly it’s just that our interests doesn’t really align.
I think the decline of gender division in interests is a factor here.
