Was listening to someone from Algeria who mentioned they often have issues with lizards finding their way in homes. And I was like “at that point it sounds more like a free pet than vermin.”
Also, what do you do when this happens?
Definitely that time the Secret Service showed up to my childhood home.
This happened when I had already moved out to go to college. I grew up in Iowa, home to the Iowa caucus. Part of living in Iowa is every four years you get bombarded by political messages, polls, people wanting you to donate and attend rallies, etc. I know this occurs to some degree everywhere, but it’s a different beast in Iowa.
The 2008 Iowa Caucus season was in full swing. Ads were everywhere. Phone calls were numerous. One day my 13 year old youngest brother, with poor impulse control and developing mental health issues, happened to pick up the phone.
It’s the Hillary Clinton campaign. They give the spiel, asking for a vote, maybe conducting a poll. He humors them and listens, frustrated though he is with politics. Finally, at the end, they say something like, “oh, and she’s having a rally tonight. Will you be able to attend?”
He replies, “yes, and I’ll bring my gun.” And then hangs up the phone.
And that is how my poor mother, the nicest woman you ever meet, mother of 6 children, with 4 still living at home, ended having to answer the door to two Secret Service agents standing on her stoop.
My youngest brother didn’t face any criminal consequences for that day. It probably helped that he had no criminal record then, was just a kid, and there were no firearms in the house. He got the sternest talking to of his life, and I’m sure there’s still a record of him somewhere in the Secret Service archives.
I suppose it was an early sign of things to come. His life didn’t get easier after that. He struggled through the rest of his schooling, never made a serious attempt at college. Was diagnosed with bipolar and used a lot of substances to self medicate. Stole a lot from friends and family, lived on the street for awhile. Served several years in prison for a completely pointless robbery of a liquor store. Drifted from job to job and never really got any traction in life. OD’d at 27, just another victim of the opioid crisis.
Miss you little brother, despite everything you did. Hope you’re in a better place. At least you never had to see the world as it is now.
Florida scarlet snake. Disconcerting to find a danger-colored snake in your house at midnight, even if it’s harmless. Very surprised I found it before the dog or six cats did.
Red on black - okay jack
but in the middle of the night
fuck that shiteI always heard “red and black, venom lack” but this works too
A friend of mine found one of those slither up some tiny vents and into his parents’ bathroom through the heater, in New York. All while his older brother was going number two.
She’s a cutie
Left my apartment window open once when going out, came back that night to find a pigeon just sort of wandering around. It clearly had no idea how to get back outside.
Took me a bit to corner it and catch it but I did manage to get it back out the window.
When I was 14 I got a cat. The first day, he disappeared somewhere inside of the house and I couldn’t find him. I figured he was just hiding in a cozy spot. The next morning, I woke up to a dead bat at the foot of my bed. I can only guess that he had found his way into the attic crawl space and brought a fresh kill for me to enjoy.
Was the cat hurt? Bats know how to fight back.
Nope, luckily he was totally fine. He lived to be 20 years old!
A weta.
Their scientific name means ‘terrible cricket’ for the same reason dinosaur means ‘terrible lizard’: they’re big. Unlike the ones wikipedia shows you, mine was only palm-sized. They’re basically harmless, so I scooped him up and deposited him outside.
I think I saw some once. I thought it was a cockroach.
A Python Snake. In England.
Turned out to be a neighbour’s pet.
Found a frog in the toilet once.
I’ve had a toilet frog sneak-attack my butt while I was sitting on the toilet.
Was it every bit as good as you had hoped?
No. Turns out having to remove from your toilet an uncooperative frog that was just swimming in your pee is not a good time.
Did the ER dr believe that?
I used to live at the end of a long windy dirt road in the middle of nowhere on 10 acres of mostly uninhabitable forest in the Sierra Nevada mountains. There was an old woman who lived alone past our house at the end of her own little dirt/gravel side road.
We got along with her fine mostly because she enjoyed having our dogs over (she would often spoil them with her leftovers) and since we lived in the middle of nowhere we rarely saw each other aside from passing on the road or seeing her drive past our property on her dirt road.
Anyway that old woman who lived alone said that she often cooked with the sliding door open when it’s hot so she can get better air flow through her kitchen. Well apparently a bear let itself into her house while she was cooking and according to her she turned around and there was a bear 3 feet away from her sniffing the air. She says she grabbed the cast iron pan and proceeded to hit the bear on the head as it panicked and ran back outside and off into the woods.
When we moved she actually kept our bigger dog because he was raised on 10 acres of forest and we just couldn’t bring him to the city. We tried once and he was clearly stressed out and hated the tiny yard so we brought him back and she happily took in our big old dog. Apparently he lived a happy few years with her before heart worms finally got him at the ripe old age of 15 which for that breed was basically 100.
I miss the little lizards down in Florida. Sure, you’d find a tail in your closet sometime. But they’re cute.
A tail, as in they come off the lizards?
Yes, lizards use it as an escape tactic. A bird might grab them by the tail and then they’ll “detach” the tail. They’ll then just regrow a new one.
Yup, they break off and they’ll regrow.
They’re so cute tho!
My little brother was obsessed with getting anoles to bite his fingers. You know how sometimes they’ll “hiss” at you to make you go away? They’d get fingers in their mouths for that xD
More common in geckos, I think, but yes.
My kids were playing with a tail last summer. Kept twitching for almost 20 minutes. Freaky.
What’s the most peculiar unexpected visitor (or “pest”) that wound up in your home?
Mother in law.
A young bird! It flew into my face a couple times the poor thing, but I managed to set it free in the end! Now I’m more wary of having my windows open too wide…
Stinkbugs…they came invading from another hemisphere recently. Leave a window open and enjoy them everywhere by the 100s inside.
I briefly subletted a room in a party house…
A drunk dude passed out on the toilet I discovered while trying to go and get a shower.
Black bear came in my giant dog door a couple of years back.
Was it friendly?
Wasn’t home, my young friend across the street was house sitting.
Had just seen mom for the last time, dying of COVID in assisted living. Had just seen my nephew who had clearly become paranoid schizo/delusional.
Dude calls, totally deadpan:
“There’s a bear in the house.”
“A black bear?! (LMAO) This is the best news I’ve had all day. Where are you?”
“In the camping room.”
“OK, your favorite gun is in there. Put a 410 shell in it and wait; he’ll go away.”
Kid called his mom, who freaked and called 911. 7 cops cars come rolling up, sirens and lights blasting, bear was chilling on the porch. LOL, he knocked my fence flat running away, never seen again.
Had to talk to a cop supervisor couple of years later. I was going to confront a neighbor about stealing my pet pig.
“Just go up there and politely ask for him back, call if you get any hassle. And BTW, aren’t you the guy who had a bear in his house a couple of years back? I was on that call!”
It was looking for porridge so it was on its best behavior.
At my house it’s cats.
We officially adopted two, and three more have since shown up on the porch and been invited to live with us.
