I keep hearing excuses like “but your highness the entire crop was destroyed and we’re starving” or “but my lord I’m dying of the plague”. Like ok? That sounds like a you problem. Someone has to do all the work around here and that someone’s not going to be me.
Guaranteed housing and a share of the harvest have left them insufficiently motivated—we need to turn them into gig workers driven by the constant threat of homelessness and destitution.
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A fine meme to add to my collection.
You all are precious. Thank you for that.
I think the problem is that serfs don’t understand just how hard it is to round them all up and march them to war against our neighbors who so disgustingly eat a different staple animal than we do and so should obviously be destroyed. And then there’s all the work of trying to breed sons who’ll live long enough to carry on the war. It’s exhausting. You’d think they’d be grateful for all of the justice dispensing - I mean, we all agree it’s so boring, but are they happy when we come up with creative solutions like cutting their children in half?? Of course not!
They just don’t realize how good they have it. They don’t have to constantly watch out for Grand Vizier Al Rashid, that slimey worm, constantly trying to poison my dates. I’ve gone through 8 food tasters this year alone! They don’t have to deal with their nephew Bin Al Hazam scheming and plotting to take the throne, the little shit. I should just have him beheaded and be done with it, but then I’ll never hear the end of it from my sister; kid’s father’s probably a barbarian, anyway.
I mean, seriously. All they have to worry about is rising before dawn, hand-plowing the fields until dusk, and maybe losing a kid to a lion. Which is actually a bonus because then we get to have a lion hunt! But no, it’s all “wah, wah, who will now guide the plow while my wife and I pull?”
Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask - you up for another war? My economy’s been a little in the slumps lately, and some pillage and rapine does wonders for moral.
I knew you’d understand. I can’t go to war this weekend, I have to attend a few trials and executions (sigh), and you know how long it takes to draw-and-quarter someone or burn a witch at the stake, and a tax haul on Thursday, so Monday-Wednesday would make for a nice small war. Burn down a few huts, take some livestock, maybe even some treasure.
Tell me about it. So. Much. Work. Keeping society running is nonstop. Do you have a problem with peasant poachers in your Royal woods, too? That’s, like, half my beheadings right there! And then the Church is always whining about all of the heretics that need to be burned; I swear, if I wasn’t able to take wood from the serfs, I’d have no fires in my fireplaces this winter with all the witch burnings!
LOL if you think I’ve left the serfs any money to pillage, but - and you didn’t hear this from me - the Abby in St. Saintsburgh has some really nice candlesticks - solid gold, I’m told. I’d have them myself if the Bishop weren’t so popular. They’ve got a nice crop of pretty novices this year too, if you know what I mean.
I hear that Baron over on the South border has been giving you grief; how about I lay siege to his castle while you’re “busy” at the Abby? Set us up for a good excuse for next time, get rid of some thorns, restock the royal treasuries, and plausible deniability to keep the nobles & church quiet? Win-win!
M-W looks good on my calendar. Wife’s due to give birth that week, but even odds she won’t survive it anyway so I don’t need to be here.
Yeah, all they need is a tiny fire to keep their huts warm, they’ll never understand how hard it is to keep the entire castle warmed up. Your plan sounds pretty good, and may your next child be a son. If she dies, my eldest daughter is still whining that I haven’t arranged her marriage yet, so maybe I might finally get her off my back.
Sounds good. If it’s a boy, we can marry them in about 5 years.
What’s her dowry look like?
Well, I’m not really set on the dowry yet, but I’ve got a few spare farms (serfs included), plenty of cattle, and the rest we can discuss on Wednesday after a good day of war.
Send your churls to collect taxes, thats what I do.
They figured out long ago how to make slaves believe they are free, as long as they feel they are free to choose their surfdom or “status” therein. If they feel like their slave master is better than the other masters they have more motivation in their status and keeping it.
The key is debt and denial.
As is my right and privilage to have serfs, it is my responsibility to ensure they have enough so they are not starved.
Starved serfs are unproductive and unproductive means I’m even more harrowed by the tax collector than otherwise. This is, naturally, an unacceptable condition.
Nono they can’t LEAVE… Gods that’s crazy talk. Well. Under escort and when performing duties as menials fine, so long as their share of the work is completed at home. there is a surprising amount of low knowledge to be had from these men of mud. Plus I count more than a few as … suitable enough to show that their sons and daughters may be worth the expense in training for more specialized tasks around my holdings.
Guards, guards!
I think this peasant is trying to stir up a rebellion!
To the dungeon you go.
If you’re promised a portion of the crop harvest then you will get it. Lords are always micromanaging and saying “yields should be higher”
Just stay the fuck out of the way and wait for your corn.I know, right? They’re all like, “I own the land” until some other lord does a hostile takeover, then it’s all, “no, Billy ploughs this field now,” and “taxes have increased to 34%.” Why is it always increased? Why never decreased? I mean, if they’d let Billy take over shovelling the pig shitte I’d be all for that but I’ve been learning grass clippings since me pap passed and then they want to relocate me to potatoes? How do you expect a good crop from that? Such lunacy SMH
Wtf is corn? I only have barley.
Barley is your corn, I think he may have been speaking of maize.
Never heard of it. It’s it Greek?
I heard about it from an Italian. Must be from Italy.
Bro, he is literally your liege Lord selected by God! Like, what do you even know?
What’s this ‘corn’ you speak of? Hopefully not some ‘New World’ nonsense.
It makes for cheap animal feed. Not so sure about these… Potatoes. Heard they’re related to nightshade, and it’s this… ungodly… LUMP. What is my kitchen staff supposed to even DO with this?!
Related to nightshade?? They are obviously trying to poison you. I recommend you have your entire kitchen staff burned at stake posthaste.
Nono, that was a general complaint about potatoes. My staff are similarly … perturbed at the notion of anyone willfully cooking these things.
As I said before. Corn is making fairly cheap feedstock for the animals, at least that is what i have been told. So I am sure there are many useful plants from across the sea. We are simply left with the unenviable task of figuring out which is which. Yes there are supposedly natives and if anyone could figure out their language asking would yield answers on what they can tolerate, but their bodies have also acclimated to these things, so one man’s porridge may well be another’s poison.
I’d still be careful. You have a royal taster right? If not get one ASAP.
Proletariat swine
Nah, laboratores.
Well, it is a you problem if you can’t be arsed to use corvée properly to develop your demesne and manor. How are your mills and bakeries doing? Your problem if you can’t act like bellatores do…
Hey, they’re not lazy. These serfs did their best to entertain the Lord with a nice demonstration of their prowess with torches and pitchforks.
“The Pitchforks and The Torches” is my favorite dinner theater show. It’s up there with “Guillotine Dance Routine” and “Headloose.”
So now I gotta big noose
Headloose
Sick of all your abuse
Flee, Louis
Down with the bourgeoisie
Antoinette
Will not live long I bet
Je accuse
Everybody tie a big noose
Yeah, it’s so cute when they gather in front of the palace with their tiny pitchforks and torches.
E’er the back aching for the lash!
Ha ha ha ha. Well, this has been a fun, fantasy diversion. Can you even imagine? People being forced to work while actively infected with a plague? Bodies piling up until conventional storage for them is overwhelmed? All the while, landowners keep shouting, “Nobody wants to work anymore!” Man, that would be bizarre and unconscionable. They’d have the king’s head on a plate, or if not, at least have him deposed. Thank goodness those dark days of ignorance and brutality are no longer.
They also always complain when you reserve the right to primae noctis on their wedding nights. Just ungrateful if you ask me.
Break from feudalposting, looked it up and what the actual fuck. That better be a myth.
It probably is a myth in the sense that it was some sort of formalized ritual, but I would bet there were plenty of lords who were willing to rape any serfs they felt like raping whenever they wanted. Who was going to stop them?
You should trample some of their crops and collect fines for marrying without permission to motivate them.
Why would I have men trample my own crops? It is only ‘theirs’ in that they do require food to continue living.
I will wish to meet with the rabblerouser that has started this mess. Hear his complaints so that I might judge their worth.
And then kill the man regardless. Even if his argument had merit he still insight unproductive waste and discord while giving threat to his fellow men. There are proper ways of levying grievance. If his cause be just and his words true then the Lord will receive him gladly and I will mark a local day of remembrance for him. If his cause is foul and his words laced with treasonous venom? Well, the execution will be more a show of sport than a solemn balancing of books.
What? I am not without compassion for these simple people. using the Rod to beat compliance into a beast only works for so long without a reprieve.
Sire, might I suggest you consult the scribes? They may have documented this happening before.
Ahh. Such wonderful entertainment.
Pure gold.
