I’m in my early 30’s and I’ve literally always been curious about this. I’ve never in my life had the ability to feel sexual pleasure. I’ve never been on any meds or had any sort of traumatic experiences…it’s just the way I’ve always been even if I try. I’m old enough to say that I’m way beyond simply being a “late bloomer”. It’s just something I’ll never experience.
But it often feels like I’m missing a minor sense like taste or smell or something. Everyone has always raved about the taste of dessert, but I’ve never been able to understand or experience it. Can you describe it in detail it for me? Not just the mental part, but the physical part as well?
Thank you.
Sincerely, An Outsider
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Wanna trade places?
I think I can best break up my experience into three bits, each with their own (possibly odd) comparable sensations.
- Hornyness
To me, this feels very similar to when I want to eat. Not hunger, but when I am craving candy, chocolate or caffeine.
- Physical sensation
The closest I can think of is the sensation of someone running their fingers trough my hair. Perhaps not your thing, but getting my hair washed at the barbershop is always great.
- Orgasm
3.1 Building up
Have you ever had “runners high” or that weird sensation where the pain of lifting weights actually starts feeling good the more it hurts? In that same way, it feels like I’m pushing for a limit.
Similar to a workout, it can also just be uncomfortable sometimes. Why? Human bodies are just weird.
3.2 Orgasm
Pictures this, you’re out and suddenly realise you left your phone at the coffee shop. This spike of fear running trough your chest, that has a slight sting to it. That same sensation, but instead of fear it’s closer to the feeling of biting into a juicy hamburger after not eating all day.
The train is at my stop, I gotta get out and cycle to work. Perfect timing.
You found some great words.
And a typo :p
Thank you!
It feels good physically, but sex is something much more emotionally, mentally, and socially important to me. It fulfills an intense desire for sexual intimacy and emotional bonding. I love to be touched, to intensely desire, and that intense desire matched by another for me. Feelings of fire and lightning deep inside, and bruises on the outside, pain, crying, and for a time my mind blank with bliss. For me, sexuality is a defining feature, I would not be me otherwise…
I would say however, if you are asexual and just don’t have these desires you aren’t missing out on much. Most of the benefits are “I get my needs fulfilled,” and if you live a satisfying life without having those needs to fill then there is not much lost, and maybe even something to gain.
I feel really sorry for people who are not attractive, because in today’s society, everything is about how attractive you are. You get more partners, friends, contacts, job offers… The human race are very animal-like in that way. And science tells people we are just animals, so why not act like animals, right?
This is a big topic so I won’t bore anyone, but everyones life has a higher meaning. If you are not attractive, don’t get depressed by that. Accept it and live your life as if you were. Do the things you want to do.
That word “attractive” is a bit loaded though. I think your right that society values attractiveness, but what individuals actually find attractive varies widely. Being intelligent or creative or bold can be attractive. To some being violent or unpredictable or vulnerable can be attractive. For many it all comes down to appearance, but even here there’s not one definition of beauty.
I was talking about appearance. Behavior varies a lot of course, and is very different for different genders or personalities what they like in the other person.
Still my point stands (in my opinion). Appearance is the single most important attribute for dating successfully. You cannot be ugly or you are out of luck.
It’s very agreed on what humans find attractive when it comes to looks. Nice skin, symmetric features, etc.
That’s really not true though. I have met so many people who are married that I would never be attracted to! And there are probably loads of people out there who would never be attracted to me or my spouse. The only thing that matters is that we’re attracted to each other.
But the fact that you use the phrase “dating successfully” like there’s a right way to do it… there isn’t. Relationships are messy, and attraction is really only a small part of the whole thing. Stop reading game theory or whatever, that’s the real reason you’re having a hard time.
I’m not reading game theory and I’m not talking about myself. I live with a woman for over 10 years now. But I’ve noticed how the landscape has changed and it’s more difficult now to date. I have colleagues that are just laughing about it. Some have given up completely.
I think you don’t notice the difference unless you are actively dating these days. Social media wrecked it.
So, couple different things, really.
I’ll start by saying I’m a cis man, with the equipment that follows. Penis stimulation, either through masturbation or sex is good feeling. Like when you get a good foot rub, or scratch an intense itch. It feels good, but honestly, I’d take either of the other two sensations over it.
Penile orgasm also feels good… But for me, it’s honestly nothing to write home about. It’s like a really satisfying sneeze. The important part of the orgasm isn’t the sensation of cumming, tbh. It’s the relief from the overwhelming horniness. Horniness is like being starved, the longer you deal with it, the more likely you are to eat anything you can get, even if it isn’t healthy.
Anal, on the other hand, is an entirely different beast. It can feel amazing, it can feel painful, it can break your brain. Prostate stimulation feels an awful lot like you have to pee at first, but it builds up to this incredible, earth shattering experience. It’s the same feeling as a regular orgasms, but multiplied times a million. My entire body, from toes to scalp, tingles. Sometimes there’s a slight discomfort in the head in the head of my penis when it happens, but other than that, completely amazing. If you have a prostate (and are at all interested in trying to experience an orgasm) and haven’t had luck with other methods of trying to experience sexual pleasure, I reccomend trying prostate stimulation.
Honestly, though, I’d love to not feel any of it if possible. I’ve been there a few times when on meds, and it’s made my life better. Horniness is horrible, and it makes me a person I don’t like. I focus on sex, masturbation, porn, getting laid, and I can’t focus on other things. I’ve lost entire days to trying to find some dick. It sucks. I have 1000 dollars worth of sex toys, because it saves me tons of time trying to get laid.
Oh, and I forgot to mention. The instant I cum, I’m done. The horniness is gone, the desire is gone, and I don’t want anything in any holes any more. Lol. I make sure I don’t finish first when having sex, and oftentimes I don’t finish at all until later when I masturbate.
For reference, since this is the most upvoted reply as of now, this is not a description I (and possibly other people) resonate with.
I’m not referring to prostate stimulation, I mean the concept of hornyness as a burden and orgasm as a an escape from it. I’ll add that I would never in a million years pick a foot massage or scratching an hitch as preferrable.
I’d say that occasionally I have that ‘horniness is annoying’ although that tends to be when alone or frustrated because my partner is unavailable and I don’t want to do it solo at that time. The vast, vast majority of time an orgasm is the best thing ever especially when shared with someone I love.
Idk I’m with him. Orgasm just isn’t something I care about. It’s something I do when my body seems to demand it, and then I’m like “good, that’s over with”. It’s something I’ve noticed since I grew out of my alcoholic horndog years. I didn’t need sex, I needed to be loved, and, having that, I just don’t care about sex anymore.
I still do it (mostly for my wife’s sake), and I enjoy it when I do, but immediately afterwards it’s back to not caring about sex at all.
Yeah, I should’ve mentioned in the comment. I’m well aware this isn’t the norm, especially for other men I’ve spoken to him about it.
The thing is, you can’t just say ”how does it feel physically” when it comes to sex, masturbation yes, but not sex.
Masturbation feels like having a sneeze that keeps building up and you just gotta get it out. Instant satisfaction when it happens but 1 minute later you don’t care anymore.
Sex is a different beast entirely (with someone you care about emotionally I should add, otherwise it’s not much different to intense masturbation), the physical satisfaction becomes very much secondary and can even ruin things sometimes. The biggest thing in that situation is the emotional, feeling the other persons entire body touching yours, the intense emotional pleasure of knowing you are causing them physical pleasure, feeling connected as one. Those are the aspects that really make making love a special thing. Cumming is like I mentioned both a bummer because the amazing moment is over but can also be so incredibly intense if you do it together.
That’s just my take though.
Masturbation feels like having a sneeze that keeps building up and you just gotta get it out. Instant satisfaction when it happens but 1 minute later you don’t care anymore.
THIS is a perfect description of a male masturbating
The strictly physical part: Imagine that sneeze that just doesn’t want to come out, almost there, almost, almost… and the BAAAM! Or when you are constipated, and you try to evacuate, and sit on the throne for half an hour and suddenly WHAM!! you are two pounds lighter. Multiply by 100
I can’t help you very much, but ironically it might help to ask this in an asexual community. There are probably people who asked the same question before you and had better luck.
You are going to get a whole lot of different answers. Simply because there is no one answer.
There is also no separation between the physical and the mental. They’re one and the same. If you don’t feel physical pleasure during sex, you’re not going to feel emotional pleasure, and vice versa. There is nothing wrong with not feeling sexual pleasure. Sexual interest is not a binary all or nothing. It’s a scale from Asexual (not interested at all) to sex-addict, with most people falling somewhere in between. So any answer you get is going to be from different points on the scale, not necessarily close to where you are on it (very close if not completely asexual)
I fall somewhere close to asexual, but not all the way. I’m much more interested in the lead-up to it, first second and third base, so-to-speak, and rounding for home is just kind of a let-down after all of it. A part of that (not to get too into the weeds) is that I love performing cunnilingus, but hate receiving blowjobs, because I can’t fathom that a woman actually enjoys giving head, and therefore I can’t take any pleasure from it. But 80% of my sexual pleasure comes from knowing that I’m giving HER pleasure. There is no greater rush of endorphins than using fingers and tongue and then seeing your partner not able to walk afterwards because their legs are shaking too much.
THAT is far more of a sense to me; the mental. The actual act of intercourse is no different than masturbation; it’s what you do to empty your balls once the fun part has been completed.
Im not asexual at all but I’m very much the same when it comes to giving pleasure. I can go to pound town for hours but I won’t ever cum unless I can really feel and understand that the other participant is doing the same (yes some people fake that but it is very easy to tell a fake and real orgasm apart)
Fwiw I’m the same as you. I can get physical sensation but usually get bored or distracted first, and definitely don’t have the emotional connection.
Disclaimer: am w4w
I’m older than you and never had sex. Masturbation feels nice at first, then the amount of pleasure decreases once you get used to your hand.
it feels good. much better than bad
Not just the mental part, but the physical part as well?
Sexual pleasure is 99% mental. When you are aroused your senses highten. Suddenly your skin and your genitalia becomes
veryextremely sensitive. Essentially, a lot of the systems in your body begin to behave differently. If you are not aroused then…meh. In fact, “bad sex” (when you aren’t into it) is extremely annoying.It’s like a thrilling sport where your team has a chance to win if you picked the right players. At the end of the game everyone may have received a healthy dose of endorphins, increased blood flow, and a feeling of elation.
Everyone has their own experiences, and gets something different out of it, but some things always remain the same.
Is there an alternative way that I can get the endorphins and elation despite not having the physical sensation? It has always been a goal of mine to feel that despite not being a human like the rest of you.
Don’t worry dude, we’re all humans in different ways.
Being asexual doesn’t make you any less human.
Don’t let other people’s experiences define your humanity. Being human is just part of the human experience. The fact that you felt compelled to ask this question shows a very human sense of curiosity. The way you phrased your question was polite and your explanation for your curiosity was revealing and impassioned. Most of all, the fact that you feel less human than other humans is the most human symptom of all. Humans are amazing at feeling less valuable than their peers based on incredibly specific factors. That’s what makes social media so successful!
Unless you identify as something or someone non-human in which case, I’m sorry to tell you that you’re likely going to spend the rest of your life being misidentified as a human and that’s because humans like to imagine that other things experience the world in human ways and humans like to seek humanity in everything. We’re a weird species, yo.
Yup!
So, I’d argue there’s two parts two good sex, the orgasm and the whole post coital endorphins, blood flow and good vibes described above.
For all but the orgasm, it’s not quite the same but after any exercise where I well and truly push myself just a bit past what I thought I could do feels fairly similar.
If you’re not in shape, swimming is pretty good for this as no matter what shape you’re in, you can push yourself to exhaustion without much risk of hurting yourself. When you’re done the lap after the one you thought would be your last, hug the wall, gasp for air and feel the triumph flow through you. If you’re not feeling rubbery, exhausted and amazing, next time, swim for longer and push through the mental wall that made you stop. Either way, you can always jump in the hot tub and feel like a champ.
As for the orgasm, picture a longer sneeze. Or the magnificent release of a pee that you’ve held in too long.
Live music does it for me. It’s best when I’m close enough to make eye contact with the musicians, and when the audience is into it too. It’s a total rush. If I had to pick between music and sex, it’d be music, hands down.
I can relate to the comment about swimming too. I imagine hiking, kayaking, or anything else physical that you really like could give you a similar feeling.
You’re human. You’re not even the 1000th person I’ve spoken to on the internet, nor the 1st I’ve met in real life that have asked these questions.
As Lauchs said, physical activity is the closest thing. Start with a hike to a mountaintop or swimming if you’re able to. If you aren’t able to do those types of things, perhaps try something less demanding such as table tennis or a jog through a park.
If you continue to be curious about sex, and are open to the idea, consider paying for it. As long as you are safe and wear protection their is no shame in it despite the societal stigma. You might learn something about yourself, despite the lack of physical sensation.
Per some of the comments above - add urgency, being in / not being in control, exertion are all part of it.
Finishing a half marathon
Attending a concert with 20k other people and singing one of my favourite songs at the top of my lungs
The 30 to 40 seconds after my first experience scuba diving
Surfing, believe it or not. - the feeling of being picked up and pushed forward at the same time, then being in control / out of control and elated at the same time
Dancing in darkness to uplifting music, sometimes even exercising in the dark
Riding downhill trails in the dark (wirh headlight of course)
I’ve felt pleasurable sensations from meditation before that are comparable to sex, you could try that
I’ve never actually done it before, because sexual thoughts bring nothing but fear and terror to my mind. They all feel like Silent Hill 2.
No can do, taking this virginity to my grave.
You should probably go to therapy. That doesn’t sound healthy.
Eh, I’m also intersex and lack the musculature to do anything with my genitals.
It’s also a physical problem. Doesn’t really need fixing.
It’s temporary, forty or fifty more years and I won’t have to worry none about it.
Sure, but optimally you shouldn’t feel fear and terror by any thoughts.
There is nothing wrong with not wanting sex but feeling fear and terror surely can’t be good.
I manage. There’s no sex in my day to day life, no libido either. It’s not a thing that comes up often.
Yeah, I hope you are not unhappy because of this.
Please at least try and get some help if it ever becomes anything more than an inconvenience :)
I’ve had two strokes; sex is the least of my worries.
My goal is to be weird and intimidating now, and I’m pretty good at it. Still friendly though.
That’s sucks.
Having being intimidating as your goal seems like an odd strategy but sure. You do you.
Have a nice day!
I’m not here to tell you who you are or anything but the feelings you mention are similar to some asexual experiences. I’m ace myself and enjoy masturbation or sex in some very specific settings, but generally it doesn’t feel like much to me, it’s just like a very generic sense of like “something is touching my skin”.
In the specific settings, it does feel like something more than just physical touch, and I can actually trigger those same sensations without physical touch most of the time. To explain it? Idk it kind of feels like I’m floating.
If you are having sex with a woman it is necessary to be fully erect. This may require some hand manipulation by the female. If their body is attractive enough you can achieve a full erection just by looking at them. As you thrust into them you will quickly reach an edge point. If you want to last longer you break your rhythm of thrusting. When you resume you will eventually hit that edge and once you get there, there is no turning back. You will start to ejaculate. And it feels great. A release. Depending on who you are doing this with your brain will become like jelly for a few minutes. When you are all done you will feel great.
