On December 24th, 2008 I was almost 21 and drinking wine at my Grandma’s house with my family. We were having a good time. I don’t really talk to that side of the family anymore though. I got a phone call from my best friend, Kyle. I joking let my uncle answer. Kyle asked to talk to me. He sounded angry.
The next few words he said were like a a fucking nuclear bomb that seared my fucking brain for life. He said, “NineMileTower, Steve died (in Iraq). A bridge gave out, his hummer flipped, and he drowned.”
That was in 2008. I’m 37 now. I have two beautiful girls and an amazing wife. I think of Steve all the time. I ask myself, “Why do I deserve these amazing kids, wife and life, and he had to die?”
I fucking hate Christmas. I hate the stupid music. I hate fake bullshit decorations. I hate that I’m supposed to pretend that every Christmas it doesn’t fucking kill me that he isn’t here. I’m here enjoying my kids and their holiday and he’s dead.
I fucking hate Christmas.
You don’t hate christmas, you hate that christmas reminds you of the loss of your friend.
You’re not “supposed to pretend that it doesn’t kill you that” your friend isnt there. It sounds like you’ve learnt a horrible toxic idea that men aren’t allowed to be emotional or that crying or being sad is weak, or that you have to bottle this up.
You need to allow yourself to grieve. I can understand hiding this from young children, but that doesn’t mean bottling it up entirely. Tall to your wife. Think about ways you could express and release this each year - maybe set a day aside to remember him and celebrate him with other friends?
And maybe think about therapy in the new year - you need to learn how to process and express how you feel, not bottle it up and let it eat your up with resentment and hate. It’s misdirected and is harming you and potentially your loved ones each year.
Would your friend want you to remember him by being miserable and resentful during the holidays? Or would he want you to remember the good times and share why you loved him and missed him with other people so they can know what a great guy he was?
I call bs in the “you’re not allowed to be emotional” you can repeat that all the times you want, but as a man, ESPECIALLY as a family man, you can’t be emotional. You’re the rock of the family and society stomps on weak men.
“Who cares what society thinks!” Unless you live in the woods or middle of nowhere you should care, the way people treat you and “use you” depends of how strong you look. That affects even the way they look at your family.
Having the courage to talk about your own feelings is a sign of strength. Letting others control your life is weak.
I have definitely regretted talking openly about my feelings with a partner. It damaged the relationship because she was frustrated and not very understanding.
Instead of hating Christmas, you should hate the people that sent your friend to Iraq to die for absolutely nothing.
I do. But there’s literally nothing I can do with that hate.
I’m sorry you lost someone you cared about so much. For whatever reason grief isnt looked at as serious mental anguish. It hurts to lose someone. It hurts so goddamn much and I’m sorry you are suffering.
And you’re allowed to hate Christmas. No one has to enjoy every holiday. There’s no law requiring you to like it. You’re not a bad person, and it’s perfectly reasonable to feel the way you do.
I fucking hate Christmas too. For similar reasons to yours. My friend was murdered many years ago in December and I still hate Christmas. So at the very least you aren’t alone, not that it takes the pain away or anything.
Remember, It’s okay to not be okay and to not participate if it’s negatively effecting you. Do what you need to do to survive the holidays. You matter too. Your pain is real, and self care is more important now than ever. I don’t care how cheesy or cringe I sound because it’s true. Please be kind to yourself.
Somehow the Christmas movie Jack Frost came up in conversation this week. (Well, the family friendly one…)
It sort of deals with a similar theme, except of course that the christmas-deceased father was reincarnated, sort of, for a time; to help the family heal.
I don’t know if watching it would help in any way. It might just make you more angry. It did help us in some strange way when my partner was dying of cancer.
Sorry for your loss. It never leaves you.
Hey man, I’m sorry this is a rough time for you. But maybe you’re looking at Christmas all wrong.
The origin of Christmas wasn’t anything to do with the birth of Christ, but was a way for humans to get through the literal darkest time of the year. This is the moment when the natural world throws all it had against us and takes away one of the things that we require to be happy (sunlight). Society doesn’t do much, if anything, for summer solstice because most people are in a good mood. But we sure as hell do for winter solstice because, before modern society, shit was about to get rough.
I also have to face a lot of loss during this time as well. My mom died on Dec 19th 2020, and my brother overdosed and died 4 days later. Then a year later my dad died on Dec 30th. This time of year is tough for me too. And I also don’t really deserve my amazing wife and kids either. But they sure as hell don’t deserve a sad sack of a father/husband.
Therapy helps a lot with this. It can be hard to find the words to talk about this with the people you love so it can be easier with a third party. Your family deserves you to be there for them and to be legitimately happy.
I hope you find peace and can put the past behind you.
- A rando on the internet
You are amazing, thank you.
Sending a virtual cyber hug your way. I’m a bit the same with Thanksgiving. Feeling a loss during a “cheery happy time” blows. Not too much else I can say. I hope you get through it.
If you don’t mind me asking, what happened on Thanksgiving?
Short story. Favorite aunt, cancer. Still miss her, so many years later.
Different person, but I also have a Thanksgiving story. My ex fiancee broke up with me on Thanksgiving from the way back from her family celebration because I’m autistic. This came right after the news about RTO that pushed out some of my closest friends and fellow organizers.
Thank you. It odd how it gets harder the happier I get.
Steve sounds like the kind of person who would be every bit proud of you, even posthumously. He was there for his people, after all.
He was a jackass. He was obnoxious. He was at times annoying. He was always there. He listened when no one else did. He cared like no one else does. I love him and I miss him.
Intended in the most compassionate way possible: that sucks.
Hopefully one day, you’ll be able disassociate when you heard about Steve from the anger about why.
I mean that with honest good intent, sorry if it sounds off.
I appreciate you. There’s nothing you could say that could hurt me as much as the loss. The anger will always be there, but it does get better. I understand as I get older that I’ll be er truly understand why.
To live is to suffer. One way or another.
You’ve got the right to hate it all. Absolutely. There is no deserving anything.
But you’ve got what you’ve got. There is no sense to any of it. Christmas will come at you again and again and again for the rest of your life.
I hope that you make some peace with it for Steve. Give Steve all the best Christmas that you can every year. Give a faire holiday to your family. Give them to your friends. Give them to strangers.
And eventually I hope that you can give yourself a fine and cozy Christmas, too.
We are at the darkest time of our year together. I hope that someday you can find some light for a Merry Christmas.
Steve would be happy for you, and proud of the life you built. Xmas is bullshit but the kids and low IQ normies let them enjoy it. Hang in there buddy you ain’t alone.
Thank you. I appreciate you.
You can get help, and likely should, given the impact. Many workplaces offer an Employee Assistance Program, or EAP. It’s not hosted by your employer it’s just easier access to therapy.
Honestly yeah man, this seems like the perfect thing to go to a therapist for - I’m a big believer that paying a person to just listen to you rant and guide you through the sort of thoughts that OP is having is one of the most effective uses for them. I’ve done it with multiple hard things and it helped me a lot.
OP - if you’ve never tried it you should. You can pay a dude to just listen to you rant, and honesty even if they’re not partiality insightful it usually still feels better to tell someone at the very least.
I’m sorry you lost your friend dude, I can only imagine how much that must hurt. I don’t know your friend but from what you’ve posted about him, I bet he wouldn’t want you to feel survivors guilt - i bet he’d want you to hug your kids and live your best life.
My closest genetic link did this, finally, in middle age. They were very resistant to the idea up until this last year. Now, they’d be Oprah on it and hand out free therapy vouchers to everyone they met if they could.
I love it. I call them Name 2.0 now. The first time I said if they stated their best friend, states away from me and someone I haven’t talked to this year, called them the same thing, Name 2.0.
We go to medical doctors for physicals and then rarely do the same for our brains? That’s always presented as a bit off to me.
I feel you.
To date, I’ve lost five people within two days of Christmas. Another two within a week.
You get enough shit built up around any holiday and it starts to grind away at any joy of it. But Christmas? It’s so much worse because there’s the holiday.
So, losing someone on Christmas eve? That is fucking horrible. It just fucks the entire idea of Christmas right out.
And people always seem so surprised about it. Like, how the fuck are you supposed to just forget and enjoy it?
Sounds like a fair reason to hate it, don’t have much to say/offer besides condolences.
I imagine it would’ve made Steve smile if you made them kids and wife super happy around Christmas, but what do I know?
A few more days, then we’re on to sales, new years and that weird time when everyone’s jazzed on a new year but exhausted from the last one.
Steve was really good with kids. Probably because he was never going to grow up. He would have loved my girls.
Neither him nor I are religious people, but he still smiles in my heart at us.
A few more days and its back to regular guilt and not Christmas guilt again.
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