We got here (Blackburn) on Tuesday, but we are only here temporarily while I look for work. Right now, she is talking to her U.S. friends online until after midnight, which means she will not get used to the time change at all and isn’t really finding a way to learn about cultural norms, so I want her to find people here to talk to in order to make those less of a problem. Since we’re only here temporarily, her making local friends might not be the best plan, so I’m hoping people here might have kids that would be interested in getting in touch online.
My daughter is gay and autistic (but very high-functioning). Both of those issues complicate things a little in terms of adjusting to UK culture in various ways and having other teens help her adjust would also be great. We are going to check the local youth centre, but as I said, she is also a bit shy, so I don’t know really how to get her to talk to kids there. That’s why I’m trying to take the initiative here on her behalf.
She is way into Japanese stuff, but the Japanese stuff she’s into is a less popular stuff than, say, Fullmetal Alchemist anime. She does like anime, but she says she only likes “obscure” anime for the most part. Other Japanese things: she is addicted to Japanese electronic music from the 70s and 80s, especially Yellow Magic Orchestra, and loves Sanrio. She’s trying to learn the language as well.
She also is kind of a punk rocker, but not in a get in the mosh pit way, just in an enjoy the music and dress punky way.
Other big interests: lost media, classic animation (we’re talking 1930s here), abandoned buildings and urban exploration, cult movies, and really anything odd or obscure she learns about that she can do a deep dive into. Oddly, despite not playing video games anymore, she is still very interested in learning and talking about them, especially ones from the early days.
What can I say? She’s an eccentric kid and she will talk your ear off about any of those things if you let her. Anyone got a kid that might be into talking with her over Discord or some other way of getting in touch?
Do you know which area you’re going to end up living in yet? The reason I ask is because there are services aimed towards kids with autism and ADHD, where they can meet other kids in the same situation, and potentially make friends. They’re obviously focused on their own areas though, and as far as I know, don’t put the kids in touch with kids from other areas.
There can be a stigma around groups like these, as people assume that it’s only people with more severe issues who need them, but my nine year old has been going to one for several years, and for most of the kids it’s just somewhere where they don’t have to mask. It’s really helped my kid to have an outlet away from school, and to meet other ‘different’ kids. I haven’t looked at the groups for older kids yet, but I’d be surprised if there wasn’t a provision.
Something else that might be useful for you both, are the various coffee mornings that have sprung up since Covid. They tend to be aimed towards helping with mental health, but a lot of them are more like an excuse to get out of the house and meet people. I visit one once a week which is run by Signpost Cymru, a mental health charity, so it means that they’ve got access to mental health resources if anyone needs them. It’s very handy, and like I said, gets me out of the house for a few hours and talking to people I wouldn’t have otherwise met.
No, no idea at all. Probably nowhere here because I’m fucking it all up.
Be kind to yourself. You’re in a new city in a new country, where everything’s similar to what you know, but different enough to be confusing, and you’re doing it to make sure that your family is safe. I would imagine that you’re tired from the move, the travel, and the job search, but you’re still making an effort to put your daughter first.
I don’t post a lot here, but I lurk most days, and from what I’ve read, you seem like a good guy. Take a breath and take care of yourself too, you’ll get there :)
Oof. Yeah. No I would never go for something like this. Im a youth worker in uk, go with the youth centre instead, way less risky.
As a parent and a youth worker who gets training in things like safeguarding children online, my main concerns would be that you could be imitating a 14 year old using software or just by looking or sounding young, or by not revealing your face or voice. Or you may have a 14 year old in a relationship whereby you can force them to do things for you. If you came into my youth centre and asked this same question, I would probably get fired if I didnt write a report about this and pass it on to child services.
If you type your post code and the word ‘youth’ into the keyword field, you should be able to find any local targetted services where they are used to working with kids on spectrum: https://www.autism.org.uk/autism-services-directory
Remember to take care. There are those online who target children that can be easily isolated, purely out of malice.
As a passerby, my opinion is that it would be safer to find already established groups involving her hobbies and let her participate freely and openly. Then any natural social connections formed can be tackled on individually.
She is really smart about that, or has been so far, but yeah, I try to monitor that sort of thing.
I wish you both well and that you’ll find trustworthy friends.
Thank you!
Remember there are loads of American families in France and Germany too, probably lots with kids missing home too. Might want to ask in those communities too
Not a bad idea, thanks.
Your daughter sounds awesome.
For sure. She’s much more awesome than me. Thanks.
Seconded.
Thirded! If I were still a teenager, she would be someone I would want to be friends with. You are doing an amazing job as a parent, Squid.
Does she like board games or D&D? There are probably meetups in your area. These are great if you’re shy because you can focus on the game and only be as social as you’re confortable with.
She has never really gotten into them, but she did apparently check out the local gaming store when she went walking around yesterday, but she also apparently didn’t talk to anyone. Hopefully she’ll go back and do that now that I said she should, but I don’t know if she will feel comfortable enough to do it. It’s hard enough for her to open up to people in the country she came from, and here she also has to worry about a possible negative reaction to her being American. I get that.
My daughter is a bit older but has some similar tastes and often talks with friends in America anyway… I’ve Pinged your message over to her
Thanks!
She’s trying to learn the language as well.
Your kid sounds cool as hell B)
Reading this sounds very similar to me when i was younger (except the gay, interest in japan and US part lmao). They sound like a joy (and smart, too. learning japanese at 14 is no easy task :) )
good luck to you two, and congratulations on the emigration :D Wish you both the best
Thank you!
I can’t help, but I can give my experience on time-zone adaption.
It depends on the individual, but (based on my attempts) there’s not much you can do to get a kid to just go to sleep earlier (especially if they have a reason to stay up late). So all I can do is have work on the waking-up time.
Pull back the waking time a little earlier each day (30 minutes or so, but not more than an hour earlier a day). Start with 8 hours from their current sleep time, even if it’s they’re currently going to sleep at 7am (which is typical if arriving in the UK from the west coast). Aim for a sliding window of “acceptable sleep time” that’s 8 hours or so and try to pull it back each day.
Outside of the bedtime hours, random naps may happen while trying to adapt, but don’t let them last too long. Maybe 90 minues, since that’s meant to be the deep/light sleep cycle. Too often I’ve been fooled, thinking “Great! The kids are asleep by 1am! Progress!” only to have them wake up 3 hours later and be up until 9.
You get the occasional relapse too (although usually in the first few days) were you think everyone’s adapting and then someone just flakes out at some random time, but I just try to keep to the sliding bedtime window as best I can.
I appreciate the advice. I’m sort of working that way. I just know that if she didn’t think the only kids she could talk to were 5 hours behind her, it would be a lot easier.
Okay not an answer (I’m not even from the UK I’m here from /all) but: As a guy who doesn’t really get the idea of getting to know people, what would this look like in practice? Like would you just go to your daughter and say “hey look I got you a friend”? My bad if this doesn’t make sense but I guess I can’t imagine the situation.
Well she already knows I asked on Lemmy, but I’d probably tell her that there’s a teen that would like to get to know her and would she like to get to know them? It’s really hard to get her to open up to people without help.
