• @[email protected]
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    1771 month ago

    Is this a parody, or did someone actually brag on twitter about having sex? I honestly can’t tell what’s satire any more.

  • @[email protected]
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    681 month ago

    Like a sea turtle trying to get up on a raft.

    What a mental image. Brain bleach, stat, please.

    • billwashere
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      81 month ago

      I’m still chuckling over this.

        • @BreadOven
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          130 days ago

          Might help some turts get in the mood?

      • Edgarallenpwn
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        1 month ago

        I was at the zoo a few years ago when Aldabra Tortoises were fucking. It was that but a few octaves lower, and you could hear it from the start of the section. If you imaging what a large turtle fucking would sound like in some dumb sex comedy movie, it was exactly that.

        • @BreadOven
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          130 days ago

          Hahaha. I equally want to and don’t want to experience that. Thank you for describing it. Much appreciated.

  • genuineparts
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    661 month ago

    He had THE Sex. You know the one sex you get in your life and then never again.

  • Phoenixz
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    561 month ago

    God was there

    In the corner

    Quietly jerking off

    Then cumming over the two of them

    God is a kinky dude, I like him.

  • @[email protected]
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    1 month ago

    Just keep in mind God doesn’t think anal and oral sex (hopefully not in that order, but no shame you do you) counts according to some religious people i met.

    • @devfuuu
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      331 month ago

      The legends of the poophole loophole are still spread to these days.

    • Flying Squid
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      221 month ago

      He’s definitely okay with oral. Provided you swallow.

      There is nothing outside a person that by going into him can defile him, but the things that come out of a person are what defile him.

      – Mark 7:15

        • Flying Squid
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          21 month ago

          He hung out with a bunch of dudes and the main guy’s beard who was clearly just a prostitute he was paying to make the whole thing look legitimate. I mean obviously he’d be into this stuff.

    • @[email protected]
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      111 month ago

      My understanding is that anal and oral are “wrong” in the same way masturbation is, it’s spilling your seed outside of sex for procreation.

      But like, clearly a tier better than premarital sex so…

      • ivanafterall ☑️
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        151 month ago

        If you believe Jesus, even looking at a woman with lust in your heart is equivalent to full-on adultery, so no tiers. Many Christians actually believe that and, for example, would treat discovering a partner watching porn as if they’ve discovered the partner cheating.

      • @Soggy
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        101 month ago

        That also isn’t the moral of that story, despite what they tell you in Sunday school. Onan was punished because he didn’t want to impregnate his brother’s widow, which would have legally given his late brother an heir rather than Onan inheriting the property. Look up “levirate marriage”.

        • @andros_rex
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          41 month ago

          No one talks about the follow up to that story, where Onan’s dad Judah is like, “shit! this woman is trouble! I can’t lose my last son!” He basically tells Tamar (the widow) to go back to her dad, blows her off.

          Tamar gets sick of it, goes into town, disguises herself as a temple prostitute. Judah comes to town, asks what it costs for a roll in the hay, and she asks for his family’s token so she’ll know he’s good for it.

          She ends up pregnant, and the elders of the village bring her before Judah - “hey, your daughter in law was a whore and got knocked up, we are putting her to death.” He says, “who knocked you up?” - she produces the family token. He says “ah shit, you got me.” She has the kid, gets the inheritance. Depending on which gospel, she could be Jesus’s great (x a bunch) grandmother.

          Like Genesis outright recognizes what she did as right. She’s the hero of the story.

        • @[email protected]
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          11 month ago

          I’ve always wondered where the word “onanist” came (lol) from… I’m guessing from this fairy tale accurate historical account of genuine events.

      • @kcuf
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        21 month ago

        They’re both considered sodomy

        • @Soggy
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          11 month ago

          Which is wild because that’s like the least bad thing the Sodomites were up to (and Lot’s whole family was pretty fucked too). But people will latch onto the flimsiest justification that reinforces their beliefs, in this case “gay dudes are icky.”

      • @Rooty
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        11 month ago

        Known Biblically

          • @Rooty
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            11 month ago

            Knowing someone biblically is a well known euphemism, what are you talking about?

    • @[email protected]
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      231 month ago

      Probably had it a couple of other times since then. Would have to check his posts to be sure. Willing to bet there were maybe a few times where God was not there.

      • @[email protected]
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        1 month ago

        I used to fill in for god to watch him have sex, I thought him having god watch was for religious reasons, but he just can’t get off unless someone’s silently judging him in the corner.

      • Phoenixz
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        51 month ago

        Are they still married?

        These types typically call it quits quickly

  • FlashMobOfOne
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    11 month ago

    Man, what a waste.

    In Tebow’s shoes I’d have been having sex with every woman I see.