- “Grandpa, did you fight in WW3?”
- “No, they wouldn’t let me enlist because I masturbated way too much. Like an immediately disqualifying amount.”Grandpa, do you mind? It’s hard to talk to you when you do that in front of me.
You kids today are soft, back in my day there was this big war & I could only use one hand because I needed the other to fight people that wanted to evacuate me.
Or that one time I had to hide in the attic & do it very quietly.
Or that time I had to do it with a super bright light in my face because there was something called “an interrogation” at the camp.
Now you’re just listing off my gooning kink playlist vids.
Did I tell you about the time I got stuck in the dryer?
I was again left with only one free hand!Luckily I wasn’t home alone, your stepmom was there too.
I remember. I was watching from around the corner.
Go on…
Go on.
Go-on.
Goon.
Private Cowboy: Tough break for Hand Job. He was all set to get shipped out on a medical.
Private Joker: What was the matter with him?
Private Cowboy: He was jerkin’ off ten times a day.
Private Eightball: No sh*t. At least ten times a day.
Private Cowboy: Last week he was sent down to Da Nang to see the Navy head shrinker, and the crazy f***er starts jerking off in the waiting room. Instant Section Eight. He was just waiting for his papers to clear division
How exactly does masturbating prevent you from military service?
It makes you go blind.
And your hands get all hairy
It makes your hand pregnant
Perrganent? Preganté?
Gregnant
Oh, and your rifle gets all slippery!
Can I do it till I need glasses? lol
They’ll just give you government issue glasses
Yup, gotta keep at it until you can’t see the screen anymore. AFAIK, the military doesn’t do braille.
This is just a poor translation. It’s a colloquialism to say you’re jacking off when you’re lazy and doing nothing. In fact, it’s the same colloquialism in English. We literally say the exactly same thing when we call someone useless. What’s really interesting in my opinion is you already know this. Yet because it’s from a translation and you know that, your brain didn’t think about the colloquialisms. It’s kind of crazy how our brains work.
I’m aware of the colloquialism but I also thought that this is something Chinese party officials might plausibly say. You know, something something Western decadence.
I thought the same. Isn’t the party kind of anti porn?
Decadence isn’t exactly the word I’d use to describe masturbation.
Sex shouldn’t be for fun. It is work for procreation of the superior culture. That time jacking off could have been spent contributing to the GDP.
+100 social credit
If it weren’t fun there would be no humans
Perhaps we should be paid to fap so it does contribute to the GDP
Are you a CPC official?
That’s boring tho lets go with the masturbation jokes
Leave a man idle enough time and he’ll end up masturbating that’s where the relationship goes to the colloquialism for everyone. I cna tell you in Spanish we use the same colloquialism.
When the mortar tube is clogged with cum…
And that’s how you learned the company Fleshlight has a hole in the back.
Post-nut clarity makes you realize what a bad idea joining the military would be.
After a good fap I realised that this is the most plausible explanation.
Hold on, I’m almost there.
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When they won’t get their dicks out of their hands in formation, it’s very distracting for others.
They are too exhausted from masturbating to pass the fitness test.
Something something male essence
I don’t avoid women Mandrake, but I do deny them my essence
WW3 is gonna be a 5v5 on de_dust2
Heeeeey. There might be a role for me after all.
I want it in Source at 800x600 on my end. CRT please.
I know we just met but I feel very confident leaving the fate of the free world in your hands. Just cool it with the warcrimes okay, all that teabagging is going land you in the Hague.
It’s Denmark’s war to lose then
The Astralis esports team basically turns into Delta Force in this scenario.
I’d be willing to watch that live and in client.
TF2 and they all pootis, POW!! Each other till everyone’s dead
Nah, on de_Vertigo.
de_rats
Plot twist, I binge ate to become fat to avoid conscription.
Weird thing is, South Korean military recruitors are looking for me for some reason, maybe I’m still not fat enough?
I’m a disabled veteran and still get calls from recruiters. They are basically salesmen doing cold calls
Yeah I spent a decent chunk of my 20s attempting to explain to them that I’m deaf
I can totally imagine them just yelling louder and louder at you
Ok I would be down to just turn my hearing aids lower and lower in response lol. The funny thing to me is I’m not much deafer then they make people. I just come pre deafened and they can’t have that. It’s like if the marines wouldn’t take anyone who bought a car they can’t afford and cheats on their girlfriend, like fair enough but I’ve met y’all it’s strange to insist you be the ones to get people to this state.
I feel bad for recruiters. Someone has to do it but they get shit from everyone.
They’d get less shit from everyone if they weren’t predatory liars about it.
They’re being paid to get shit. It would be a disservice to them if you didn’t provide the shit.
You just have to get fat enough that they can see how fat you are, on the news.
Landscape mode?
On an ultra-wide screen monitor.
Yeah, there’s a legal requirement for Korean citizens to serve in the military. My SO is Korean, and that’s why my kids aren’t Korean citizens…
Good luck! Eat some more fast food.
not gonna lie it would be awesome if wars were actually conducted by gaming
The rampant cheating would make for some… Interesting streams.
Imagine the Chinese taking the Alamo with noclipping special forces wiping out 20,000 men as they sit in a digital forest around a thousand bright but cold campfires talking about Christian values, the merits of racism, and which anime girl is best.
You say this while there is currently a bitter war being fought with drones controlled with X-box controllers with VR goggles. The next wars will be conducted via gaming.
(I mean, besides all the civilians who might get between our murderbots.)
https://www.gutenberg.org/files/74098/74098-h/74098-h.htm
War No. 81-Q by Cordwainer Smith. Written in 1928.
Thanks. I thought I’d read everything Cordwainer Smith had written, but had never seen that before.
I think the name of the paperback was ‘The Best Of Cordwainer Smith.’ I read it years ago.
Fun bit of trivia. Harlan Ellison used the pen name ‘Cordwainer Bird’ on projects he’d written but had been badly produced. ‘Bird’ appeared as a character in at least one short story.
That might have had a rewritten version in it because it was vaguely familiar and I’m pretty sure I have that collection.
I can’t believe that they haven’t made an anime out of the original catgirl, C’Mell.
Man, I wish he had gotten more work done on the Instrumentality. The first novel I read was Norstrilia, maybe when I was like 13 or 14, and that absolutely got me hooked on the universe he built.
Now I have to go back and read everything again if I can dig those out of the boxes. I was really getting down on the pointlessness maundering of modern SF stories and had pretty much shut down reading it. Now I’m excited again.
John Varley is pretty underrated. “Titan” is an anime ready adventure story and “The Ophiucci Hotline” is good old fashioned hard SF. He’s the first writer I think of who compares with Smith.
If you die in the game, you die in real life
The body cannot live without the mind
I swear there’s twenty manwha with the same concept
So hot right now
There was a star trek episode like that.
Simpsons did it!
Wait I have to stop touching myself in order to successed in the fitness test?
How does that guy do pullups without using his hands?
Absolutely not, just only do it while at the gym.
Yeah pass.
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Rules 5 and 6
I don’t care about how much you dislike capitalism, that doesn’t belong in here. Also this is NCD, we love war.
Just put them on a 2000 calory deficit diet during basic training, and double its duration.
That’ll get rid of 80 pounds of excess fat, plus they won’t have the strength to masturbate.Sure, half of them will become casualties before they see action, but they can still pilot drones, do the funny or make coffee, while you can feed the other half into the front line grinder.
Do the funny?
Do the funny.
2 kcal is not very much.
Deficit diet means burn 2000 calories off a person per day, oui?
not 2 kcal per day, a 2 kcal deficit per day.
That’s only about half a gram of carbs. Were you talking about food calories, which would be 2000 kcal?
Are you autistic, or is it OK to make fun of you?
I’m not sure what you mean by that. If you’re confused about the calories, 1 kcal (which is what people usually refer to when talking about food calories) is 1000 calories. A normal diet is a couple thousand kcal a day.
common misinterpretation… Calories is kcal
(with a capital C)I’m convinced that’s some bs some bigwig invented to avoid admitting they’re wrong.
but they can still pilot drones,
But sir, do we even have drones to be piloted?
We did it! Capitalism saved the planet from WWIII!
Now we just tidy up a bit…
Sitting up? Check out these gym rats…
What on earth is going on with that helicopter?
It made the mistake of being AI generated.
Mad lad hanging from the rotor blades
They’re filming numa numa yay 2
Hot new AI design. Dangle a person and have three rotors.
She put the burger on the gd floor like damn bich you know we got plates right?
Just on the floor and as big as an air fryer, this is straight out of cloudy with a chance of meatballs
They come wrapped in the plate ffs.
Burger’s big enough there might actually be a plate under there somewhere.
Honestly, it’s a message of hope. In a true dystopia she’d have a bag of sliders they charge regular prices for, but instead she’s got a mega-burger.
Glad to see freedom still rings during WW3.
It’s bothering me thinking of how you would eat that. Maybe you cut it like a wedding cake and serve slices.
Selfish bastard didn’t get milady any milk
TIL wanking habits fit into recruitment parameters.
I did my part by being born with a sensory disability. Mind you I’m also too mentally ill to enlist…
I WILL get myself addicted if a draft gets instated. My family has a predisposition towards addiction, and my life would be ruined either way.
I don’t know the statistics but survival chances for addicts might be actually better than for soldiers in active combat
“The enemy cannot push a button, if you disable his hand!”
- Sergeant Zim
If they make a bigger button and then the enemy can push a button with their wrist nubbin.
You know that movie with Bruce Willis named Surrogates? https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Surrogates The Scene where they visit the Military.
This is how WW3 will happen, i figure. Warfare from the comfort of your home, ready to jump into o a new robot Body once downed. War being nothing more than a Battle of attrition and technical Ressources.
As Randall Munroe observes, the first billionaire to create an AI-controlled swarm of killer robots will try to take over the world. So it may be Robot Wars on a grand scale.
Hmmm, piloting a robot body against other robot bodies in war actually sounds kinda cool. Live-fire paintball without the risk of actual injury
The robots probably wouldn’t stop with the other robots. For example, if Israel had remote piloted robot warriors do you think they would only attack and kill other robots? They would just send them into Palestine, slaughter the “hostiles” and wouldn’t bat an eye.
https://www.ft.com/content/442de9aa-e7a0-11e8-8a85-04b8afea6ea3
Robot-soldiers, stealth jets and drone armies: the future of war
Yeah the AI companies are chomping at the bit to let their killer robots loose on us. Wish I were exaggerating but I’m not.
ChatGPT, destroy my enemies
I’m going to become a God
