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I moved around a lot as a kid. One thing you learn pretty quickly, is to make clean breaks.
Sure you can try to stay friends, but once you’ve moved away, those friendships will inevitably fade. Those friendships were real, but they existed in a particular context. You bonded over work stuff. You talked about work stuff. You’re no longer a part of that context, so they’ve ended. 99% of the time you can only delay the inevitable.
That doesn’t mean the friendship wasn’t real. It just means that it didn’t last. That’s life.
Join a club, volunteer, make new friends.
This is honest and comforting. Thank you.
Dont take it personally in my experience its a combination of 2 things.
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They dont want to remind you that you got laid off. If you’re doing it tough they dont want to be like “hey man, we had some good times back when you had a job remember?”
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You are a very real reminder that the same thing could happen to them. Even if you landed on your feet, they might not.
That combined means that reaching out and catching up is just kinda scary. I had an amazing night at a bar with an old work bestie when we bumped into each other a few months after he got sacked.
That’s fair the survivor’s guilt is probably real. I think I’ve been really stuck in my own head about my feelings and situation I’ve been struggling with that understanding.
I think I need to think about this. Thank you for your perspective.
Did you guys hang outside of work?
Yeah quite a bit: gaming and going to bars and shows. I felt like I got pretty close to the people I worked with, not unprofessionally or party animal but just an ear and a shoulder.
After a bit of a cool off period I would reach out to one of them. Ask if they want to get a beer or something, I’ve left jobs that I had friends at. Some of them, it turns out, were really just work friends, but some of them were just waiting to see if I wanted to reconnect and were happy to hang
OR, you moved up in the world. That’s a friendship killer.
Then those motherfuckers aint your friends.
Had a coworker move onto a job that pays double what we make (much less stability, which is why I dont want to follow) but I still saw his ass for a beer for xmas this week. Cause we’re friends.
thats why work friendships are not really friendships
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It’s not your fault for thinking those friendships were valued both ways.
If you haven’t yet, try reaching out to them. If you have and they haven’t responded then at least you won’t have to deal with people who don’t show a genuine interest in you.
It sucks big time and it’s rough, but you’ll find some like minded people who value your time and willing to make space in theirs for yours if you keep looking.
I like to think I’m somewhat aware emotionally but have a lot of unanswered messages that are hard to look at and just make me doubt my feelings. I’m lucky to have a few good friends, I know that it’s more than a lot of people have so I’m thankful to have them and my family: it still just stings since it was for so long and you think you know who you’re talking to.
Yeah that does sting. I had that happen to me when I left a hellish workplace and thought I made a friend there bonding through shared suffering under a shitty boss who I could talk to.
It just sucks when it happens, the only thing you can do is make and spend time with those whom have proven again and again that they value making time with you.
It stings, but it’ll pass.
Stay strong mate (virtual hug).
🫂 much love
As someone who has worked at the same job for 17 years now and had my original boss fired a week ago this hits hard… after that amount of time I really have no idea what to do now and it’s super weird not having them around, or anyone for that matter, to provide direction.
To clarify he was not a bad worker, or did anything wrong outside of being there to long with a higher end job that the company felt wasn’t needed despite not really understanding that he did a lot more than his title suggested because that’s what happens when your there over 25 years. The company has been doing terrible for the last few years and has suffered a lot of layoffs… I talked to him a bunch after but I definitely feel like I won’t really talk much going forward since our biggest thing in common was that we worked together.
Most of my adult friends are former co-workers. A couple were formerly my boss, and I’ve since even been a boss of one of them years after.
I talked to him a bunch after but I definitely feel like I won’t really talk much going forward since our biggest thing in common was that we worked together.
Your prior relationship was a working one with a superior and subordinate role. You see you relationship at an end because those circumstances are. You have a chance now to recast your relationship as peers. Your old boss may not be up for it, and thats fine, but if you value them let them tell you instead of deciding for them.
If you have a shared non-work topic (following sports or playing video games, etc), ask if they want to meet for lunch to talk about the non-work topic. Its okay, at lunch, if you end up talking shop about your industry, or even about your former share employer, but set the stage that your interest in talking to them has nothing to do with them being your former boss.
Yeah, he was my boss, and we always respected the roles, but after that much time it definitely grows into more than that. I literally started when his 3rd kid was being born and this next year would have been the year they went to college, which is crazy when I think of it that way. I know we will talk and keep in touch but it will be odd going from someone who has basically been part of my life and probably someone i interacted with more than my own parents to just an acquaintance.
I am not shy for making friends either. Most of the people in our area have now been there about 10 years now and luckily we are all like minded. Over the years I can confidently say 3 of them are solid friends and we hang out outside of work and even with each others groups of friends. It’s just what I have done for most of my life and has proved to be a solid decision. The more the merrier is what I believe.
It is a really good idea to stay in contact and stay friends.
OP is in a slightly different position since they’re the one who got laid off. They feel uncomfortable reaching out and might feel that way until they move on to the next stage of their career. By reversing roles, you can see how much they would like their former coworkers to reach out socially.
You reach the point in your career where submitting a resume for a job isn’t how it’s done. It’s networking - people who know you and whom you know - that land the position. It’s because resumes and CVs are only useful for people who have no direct experience of who you are and how you work. A piece of paper can’t begin to cover the amount of information that personal knowledge entails.
It’s why we have a specific word for them. At work you have colleagues, not friends. @Delphia’s comment gives great reasons.
PS: Try staying in touch with them. Ten years is a long time and even if they aren’t friends they are still valuable contacts.
Yeah I think they gave me a lot to chew on and I really need to think about them too, I’ve probably been pretty blinded by my emotions and I have to navigate that.
I’ve been trying to separate my life between linkedin and actual social/messengers and that made me feel weirdly better just…not seeing a few names on my regular sites/programs. I don’t like that it made me feel better but it did.
Work friendships seldom come to transcend the place that birthed them.
Unless you became friends outside of work hours, it’s better to cut off contact once the job is done.
The connection is made in relation to that work, so there is no meaning in maintaining it once you’ve moved on to something else.…
Years ago I heard someone say, “friendship is ephemeral” and it bummed me out. But over time I’ve flipped and it makes me feel better now. Sometimes things are special because they don’t last.
It sucks to lose friends but it happens. It doesn’t mean that people think less of you if it ends at all, though. People go their own ways - you included! Just keep on trucking, friends will come and go
