ROANOKE, VA—Local claims adjuster David Seaborne, a devoted husband and father of three, died Tuesday at the age of 37 following a long and painful personal battle with a 512-pound eastern lowland gorilla.

This is one of the best Onion articles ever. Read the whole thing.

      • Flying SquidOPEnglish
        3•1 month ago

        Someone’s never been to Gorilla City.

        You’re never going to become master of the Earth without a classical liberal arts education.

          • Flying SquidOPEnglish
            2•1 month ago

            Yeah, but who do you think taught him world domination skills? That can’t be self-taught!