I mean WTF is a horse gonna do with prep time?
Become an expert in his field.
He’s already outstanding in his field.
You’re thinking of his neighbor, the accomplished scarecrow.
🎶 Fenton’s Stable and Horse Ranch
That looks like a gorilla with horse parts grafted onto it
Eat oats.
Studying the blade
Get swole
Taking karate lessons
Not to brag, but, with a little bit of trainig, I think I can easily win against a trout, as long as the fight is not in the water. But we’re only talking hypotheticaly, of course. It would only come to that if the trout picks up the fight first and we don’t manage to resolve our issue with healthy communication… I’m not a monster.
How about this… We split the difference and go out for some pescaito frito. 🔪🐟🍴
my toxic trait is thinking I could win a fight with a goose
no you can’t
I’m not huge or athletic but I probably weigh, like, twice as much as a goose. I get that they’re incredibly pissy and they have teeth and pointy bits, but I’m still betting on me.
Our battle will be legendary. I may lose my life but I am bringing down the bastard with me.
That’s the spirit
I grew up near geese. You will not win without just straight up killing it. And you will be more hurt than you could believe.
In this context I think we have to assume life or death tactics by both combatants.
But that’s an important distinction because MOST of the time we deal with pissed off animals that we don’t want to hurt, much less kill. So that gives some animals a big advantage in real world encounters. Maybe most adults could kill a goose if they had to, but in real life 99% of adults are going to back off or run away rather than deal with a fucking goose!
brb taking out a mortgage to bet on the goose
Punt to the chest. Bird bones are papier mâché. Never get in a fist fight with a goose, their wings will break your arms. Definitely don’t try and snap its spindly little neck. Just kick it in the chest
Maybe if you have little bird bitch arms.
Me? I’m nothing but arms. With all the typing and masturbation I do, I’m nothing but them.
Me: 💪🧠 🤳
Me too i don’t know why internet strangers are afraid of them that much, unless you can’t use any type of weapon i guess
They got a lot of neck, necks are usually a pretty good weak point. I have confidence that I will get bit, but I will put a knot in their neck.
The Waterfowl and Migratory protection acts are the only thing keeping me from proving it.
That’s the point, yes. This is unarmed.
A snake.
Because I’m Australian and grew up in the country, I was taught how to take them down with a sharpened shovel when I was five. Coincidentally, I got my first one a few months later in the garage when it rushed out of a tarpaulin toward me and I shoveled the head off, just like mum taught me. Common brown too (a.k.a Eastern Brown, but they’re everywhere. One of the most venomous snakes in the world).
My next one was a red-belly black snake that rushed out of a log. I used a mallet to crush the head and was 6. Also one of the venomous snakes in the world. We have most of them here.
Always go straight for the head with distance and speed.
It may sound cruel to not try scare them into an area and call someone for removal, but they’re just too dangerous. And if it’s there, it’s made territory there, so if you lose it it will definitely show up again. Most are aggressive, so you need to take the chance when you’ve got it because it’s simply more dangerous not to and come off second best next time.
It’s also common to deal with pythons, getting one sunbaking off the road or out of the house if it overstepped it’s boundaries. We like those ones though and definitely don’t hurt them, especially if they make home in the roof or under the house. They keep the possums and mice away, therefore the venomous ground snakes away. Roof python is snek bro and a very welcome guest. It’s sad when you notice one’s probably moved out :(
Not even roof snek can afford the rent now
After reading about you (justly) killing snakes, I’m very glad I got to learn about roof pythons.
I think someine I know set a garter snake on fire once- that’s about as much as I’ve interacted with them, anyway.
So you just walk around all the time with a sharpened shovel?
In Australia? I would.
Not in my current house which is more in a city area, but I am about to move back into more bushland so, yeah. A sharpened shovel for the yard and garage. But with this new property, I should really only need to cover any gaps under the fencing with chicken wire and the grass beyond in the bush doesn’t get too tall. Need to do that for fires anyway.
So do you have any links to the proper technique?
I want a roof python now
Are redbellies particularly dangerous? I’ve never heard of someone dying from one.
We had some living in the bush near where we used to play. They never bothered us at all, cowardly little ones.
I almost stepped on a young brown snake once when I was stoned, that was fun. Nothing sobers you up like the adrenaline your body puts out when you nearly got yourself killed. I was not anywhere where I could get medical attention in time.
Brown snakes are grumpy fuckers, they chase where most let you leave. Not a fan.
Redbellies are only aggressive if threatened, unlike the browns that gets territorial and will go you. Redbellies aren’t lethal as far as I know, but they’ll mess up the body bad, especially a kid; necrosis from clotting, nerve damage, huge swelling, etc. Also definitely depends on the bite. Used to be friends with a snake handler who got bit by a coastal taipan and got anti-venom within the hour, but ended up being a dry bite (or mostly) anyway.
The one I hit with the mallet had just been knicked by the neighbour’s chainsaw cutting up the log out of a huge fallen tree. I had the mallet because I was doing my kid best to hit steel wedges in to help split the wood off. Suddenly, very pissed off snake going toward me fast.
I can definitely kill an hour
Does an hour get prep time?
Then no.
Yes it does, but I still get an hour
But time flies. Do you have a plan for that?
I can fight a blue whale. The whale would fail to perceive me as a threat, and so when it wanders away I win by default.
It’s been a long time since I got the old ‘your opponent walked away… YOU WIN’ Victory screen
There was an administrative mix up. They put an Orca in the arena.
It knows humans killed it’s brother.
Wild Orcas don’t prey on humans, but if we’re ignoring that fact I’d need a decent weapon.
NOT a cat… Don’t ask me how I know.
Cats are the rightful rulers of this world. It would be foolish to oppose them.
You just don’t expect that amount of fight out of that size animal. Respect.
Mr. Whiskers was quite accomplished in his fields of expertise at the time, namely napping, prowling, and scrapping.
I have seen a grown man tackle a cat which had been running around a walmart backroom for weeks. It wasn’t pretty for the guy.
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I grew up in rural Canada. A guy I knew was drunk in the woods with friends and tried to ride a young deer that came up to them(the deer got used to people in that area feeding them, something that is not recommended) annnnnnd it beat the shit out of him and his 6 friends. He got a bad concussion and lost sight in one of his eyes.
Don’t fuck with animals. They are built different.
Oh deer…
The difference is literally life and death.
Animals are always on the bubble of life or death. Always. Everything is always about to kill/eat them, or something they might be able to kill/eat, so it’s a mix of curiosity and fear.
When that deer beat the shit out of your friend and his buddies, it was a life or death thing the deer was contending with thinking it was about to be killed and eaten, so nothing’s off the table to get out of that situation.
Meanwhile, your buddy and his friends were drunk and doing it for the lulz.
Deer will always win with those stakes.
That’s kinda the same reasoning I am more scared to fight homeless people than any other rando. Those people don’t have anything to lose. If they are in the moment and want to fight you, then all bets are off.
Meanwhile, your buddy and his friends were drunk and doing it for the lulz.
Deer will always win with those stakes.
Tell that to all the drunk hunters out there
Doe
D’oh!
Don’t fuck with alcohol.
The Deer beat up 7 People? Holy Fuck.
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Better to just hoof it instead.
Give me a pointy enough stick and my tribe can take down any animal
“Am I allowed to run it to exhaustion?”
“You are, but have your years of playing Call of Duty on the Xbox imbibed you with the required physical stamina and animal tracking skills of your Paleolithic ancestors? Remember, the question is what animal can you take down, not your species, you.”
I can defeat the world’s most dangerous apex predator in unarmed one on one combat. The human. It’s me, I would defeat myself, I would die trying to fight off any animal in this thread.
“Your tribe? I’ve seen your tribe. There’s the guy that after years still won’t shut up about how the final goal in the finals should have been counted. The one that unsuccessfully tries to cover up his noxious farts by loudly yelling ‘What time is it?!’. Then there’s the one that was convicted of a minor felony and none of you will tell me what the crime was and you try to change the subject, but you refuse to ever go bowling with him again. Lastly there’s the one that looks and acts fairly normal, but is very reserved. Honestly he could do better than you guys and I’m not sure why he continues to put up with you all. He’s the only one of all of you I’ve ever heard utter the words ‘Thank you’ for anything, but even then he was talking to the cat. Yeah, I’ve seen your tribe. I think the animals are pretty safe from you all.”
A fish, unless I’m underwater instead of it being on land
Fuckin’ shark. As long as we’re up a mountain.
$5 on the shark. You would claim a false victory and try and mock the shark too close before it died.
I’d give the shark a day to dry before checking if it’s dead
[insert the meme about sharks and Triathlons Here]
Wait wait wait, hear me out
A snailIm not risking it unless I can verify the identity of the snail beforehand. With my luck, I know what snail it would be.
Use a brick
This guy doesn’t know about the snail.
I do, but what is the snail going to do if it gets crushed by a brick?
It’s immortal.
Then throw salt at it. If it is immortal, might as well make it miserable
picks up pretty seashell How tough can a snail be?
Is the snail already chasing after me?
This fight started in 2002 mate, you just forgot.
Decoy snail.
When my father was younger he devised a plan to drop down out of a tree onto the back of a deer and take it down with a knife. He said it beat the shit out of him with its antlers. So I think I could take down a doe, a deer, a female dear.
Is your dad’s name Ray? A drop of golden sun?
No that’s me, a name I call myself.
Dough, some cash, a wad of cash
Ray, a guy who fixes cars
Me, the one who takes out the trash
Fa, the distance to the stars
So, a word that goes with well
LA, a city where we dwell
Tea, with honey it tastes swell
And that brings us back to dough!
(Credit: Animaniacs)
Shark, as long as we are on land. I’d just outrun him then call coup by hitting him with a stick while he’s gasping for air. I guess at that point I could take on a blue whale, but that would just make me feel like a dick. I’ll stick with the shark. Any shark, any time, 1.5 miles inland.
The chance of getting attacked by a shark on land are small, but not zero.
The government doesn’t want me seeing this
Could you take all the sharks in Missouri?
Are we all just going to ignore aquariums?
Yes
Ignoring aquariums is my favorite hobby! I do it for a couple of hours at least once a week!
Only if I’m allowed to bring my cats.
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The sharks in New Mexico are dedicated. Who TF pissed off sharks and hid in New Mexico?
You might be one of today’s (un)lucky 10k
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bull_shark
Also, the maps includes captive shark attacks, such as bites at the Newport Aquarium in KY.
A technicality, but (most) sharks don’t gasp for air.
You need to ask why, thats how you get the hour long explanation
Do you get immediate medical treatment after, and is it free?
Assuming you’re not American, yes.
Yeah but we Americans get to use as many guns as we can carry on our person.
I guess +guns and -healthcare makes us the glass cannons of the man vs beast challenge!
You can take on most animals in a fight if you have a gun.
And what if animals have guns + gun training? :D
I don’t mean necessarily like monkeys, I’m envisioning cephalopods with 8 guns. Or a tiny invertebrate with satellite weapon targeting systems.
We don’t need guns. We’re developing all sorts of new weaponized ways of using our ink.
Humans: [get inked from orbit]
The squids: It was the only way to be sure.
That’s the cannon half of glass cannon. :D
… just realized … what if you give the animal/animals +guns & +healthcare, just for fun … ?
I’m imagining a chicken sitting on the button of a chain gun giving you the sideways stink eye (classic birb tbh).
Lul, imagine thinking you won a fight, but after a while realising the great tit you wrestled with made you go bankrupt & now you have to pay loan interest for the rest of your life.
Tbh, that makes Americans fight these predators on more equal grounds than the rest of the 1st world. Most predators have to make the calculus of how starving they are vs what is the potential damage they can take
Lul, this is actually a really good point.
I mean… he won that one. I’d congratulate him on a well played feint as I died from lack of care.
We talking about combat or divorce?
Education actually!
