Here’s Why I Decided To Buy ‘InfoWars’ By Bryce P. Tetraeder, Global Tetrahedron CEO ☞ https://theonion.com/heres-why-i-decided-to-buy-infowars/

And let me say, I really do see it as a family. Much like family members, our brands are abstract nodes of wealth, interchangeable assets for their patriarch to absorb and discard according to the opaque whims of the market. And just like family members, our brands regard one another with mutual suspicion and malice.

🤣

  • @[email protected]
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    2861 month ago

    My favorite part of this:

    …Collins said that “part of the reason we did bought InfoWars is because people on Bluesky told us it would be funny to buy InfoWars” adding that “those people were right” this “is the funniest thing that has ever happened”.

    • @dejected_warp_core
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      1151 month ago

      That also sounds like the kind of prank that Cards Against Humanity would pull if they had access to as much cash. I love this so much.

  • @latenightnoir
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    2531 month ago

    Honestly, considering how much of a clown Alex Jones was, they have their work cut out for them if they want to compete at comedic levels!

    Either way, this may be the best news I’ve heard all year, thank you!

    • @[email protected]
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      1261 month ago

      I wonder if this gives them the rights to all of Infowars’ library of footage. Maybe they could “keep” Jones as a host by cutting up old clips kinda how South Park did with Isaac Hayes for Chef’s last episode.

      • @Joeffect
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        701 month ago

        Up for grabs at the auction were Infowars production rights and materials, the Infowars store, domain names, production equipment and other assets — including a Terradyne armored truck and a Winnebago motor home — that can be purchased in their entirety or in parts, according to the firm, ThreeSixty Asset Advisors. Jones broadcasts from the Austin, Texas, area.

        • Tanis Nikana
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          141 month ago

          I’ll take the middle third of the Winnebago, just carve it out and drop it on Nick Fuentes’ lawn, thanks.

        • Flying Squid
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          61 month ago

          Considering what The Onion has been able to do with manipulating video for the sake of comedy, I can’t wait to see what they do with any of their footage.

      • @[email protected]
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        1 month ago

        I hope they own Jones’ likeness to the point where they can give DJs the rights to remix his shouts into something of value.

      • Cethin
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        91 month ago

        One of the few good uses for generative AI I’ve seen.

    • Fonzie!
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      219 days ago

      They don’t want you to know this, but the ducks at the park are free!

  • @chiliedogg
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    2241 month ago

    They should harness the crazy for good. Make conspiracy theory-sounding stories, but make them factual and get people to take positive action.

    They created chemicals you can inject into the bloodstream that keeps them from getting the Measels.”

    “The overlords in their golden towers want to tell you who you are and aren’t allowed to love.”

    • @captainlezbian
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      901 month ago

      The vaccine one would probably be better as: “independent thinking researchers developed a means of using your own body’s immune response to prevent diseases with a mere injection. Some of them even refused to patent it. But then the media started lying to you about them, trying to get you to stop accepting these miracles? Why, just so some companies could make more money selling you proprietary snake oil to keep you comfortable while you’re sick.”

      • @hogmomma
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        471 month ago

        Coming from a reformed conspiracy theorist, that was frighteningly good.

        • @captainlezbian
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          321 month ago

          Thanks! The trick is to understand the emotions they aim for and the baseline rhetorical tricks.

          Conspiracies stem from knowing you’re getting fucked, but that most people are good. It’s an attempt to find explanations when the world feels wrong. Someone did it. You just have to sell the truth in the tone that they’re used to hearing. Especially with vaccines where the truth does sound like a free lunch, until you realize that it’s governments and insurers paying for vaccines and it saves them and the economy money by you not getting sick or needing stronger medicines. These are the two groups that desperately want you to exercise, eat right, and quit smoking

          • @Emerald
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            1 month ago

            And then there’s ones that don’t have much of a modern-day effect but are still stupid. My English teacher truly believes that the Titanic was sunk on purpose for insurance purposes.

            She also believes that a Secret Service agent might have shot JFK

            • @captainlezbian
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              101 month ago

              Those too are an attempt to create order out of a scary and chaotic world. The JFK assassination theories are often used as the textbook example of that fact.

              While it is true that JFK’s family was heavily involved in the mob and that he wasn’t the favorite of the out of control CIA, the evidence we have after many eyes on it for decades asserts one thing: a man by the name of Lee Harvey Oswald was an exceptional marksman in his time in the marines, and had a tendency towards political radicalization that wasn’t particularly directed, and so in an attempt to curry favor with the Cuban government (he was a communist but had been disillusioned by the USSR), but without their permission (they would have asked him not to), he hid in a book repository along the route of the presidential motorcade, laid in wait, and when the time came fired two shots directly into the skull of John Fitzgerald Kennedy. He like every successful presidential assassin acted alone and based on political grievances.

              And the fact is, that that’s terrifying to a lot of people. One person changed so much with one act. Conspiracy theories here are an attempt to find an alternative explanation for something so jarring. One marine sniper shouldn’t be able to, but the cia or the mob or Cuba or the ussr… A group, conspiring should be able to, and they’re shadowy and hiding the truth…

              The fact is that the difference between the Kennedy assassination and the attempted assassinations of trump are of marksmanship and chance, not of conspiracy. Nobody says the Reagan assassin wasn’t working alone because he failed

      • @Maggoty
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        131 month ago

        Big Essential Oil ruining the day again.

    • @dirthawker0
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      101 month ago

      I’m totally for this and I bet it would work, too. We’ve seen the level of ignorance that went into how people chose to vote. If OnionWars puts up those kinds of stories, along with the occasional article declaring Jones actually still owns InfoWarts and any news stating otherwise is fake, they could ease these nutjobs back to sanity.

  • @[email protected]
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    1591 month ago

    The funniest piece is going to be seeing old followers believe it’s still the InfoWars they know and love. It took forever for people to stop eating the onion in large numbers, and it still manages to happen on occasion.

    There is opportunity here. Initially, anyway.

    • @dejected_warp_core
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      731 month ago

      I think there’s always going to be that group of people. Another example: folks that didn’t notice that The Colbert Report was satire.

      • @Today
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        271 month ago

        I thought Glenn Beck was satire. Watched it several times and then one day … wait, that’s not a joke?

    • @[email protected]
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      671 month ago

      A part of me actually wished that the Onion would have purchased InfoWars, but in secret, like maybe under a subsidiary corp that has a right-wing sounding name.

      They don’t change Infowars’ branding or anything but the articles become subtly liberal.

      Maybe an overt purchase is better but I really want to troll the right.

      • GladiusB
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        291 month ago

        “Do your swastikas send the right message to your neighbors? Maybe try this instead…”

      • @tpyo
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        111 month ago

        A part of me actually wished that the Onion would have purchased InfoWars, but in secret, like maybe under a subsidiary corp that has a right-wing sounding name.

        "Today we celebrate a new addition to the Global Tetrahedron LLC family of brands. "

        don’t change Infowars’ branding

        "Founded in 1999 … InfoWars has distinguished itself as an invaluable tool for brainwashing and controlling the masses.

        InfoWars has shown an unswerving commitment to manufacturing anger and radicalizing the most vulnerable members of society—values that resonate deeply with all of us at Global Tetrahedron.

        No price would be too high for such a cornucopia of malleable assets and minds. … a steep bargain: less than one trillion dollars."

        I’m absolutely not disagreeing with you; I believe the onion will continue on doing “its thing” and keeping on-brand for both entities. Do exactly what you say and publish articles either believable or outlandish enough to break through to people

      • @[email protected]
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        91 month ago

        I don’t think they have to. People are going to consume it like it’s the same old. Inertia and assumption.

      • @[email protected]
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        11 month ago

        I still have OSINT on my podcast roll even though Bazzell quit. Maybe it’ll come back? I’m sure others have done the same.

    • @9point6
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      271 month ago

      “Tim onion” got an irl lol out of me

      • @[email protected]
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        230 days ago

        Is that a Trump “Tim Apple” reference? I wouldn’t have even noticed if you hadn’t called it out.

      • Zerlyna
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        21 month ago

        OMG i can’t stop giggling about it too

    • @Woovie
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      51 month ago

      ben also replied saying he’d hold it for knowledge fight, so there’s an incredible chance we might see knowledge fight use it at some point.

  • JoYo 🇺🇸
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    721 month ago

    Through it all, InfoWars has shown an unswerving commitment to manufacturing anger and radicalizing the most vulnerable members of society—values that resonate deeply with all of us at Global Tetrahedron.

  • @[email protected]
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    681 month ago

    I genuinely don’t know how they plan to make a parody of InfoWars that will not be indistinguishable from the original thing.

    • EleventhHour
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      321 month ago

      They’re very, very good at it

    • @[email protected]
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      181 month ago

      The funniest thing to do would be to turn it into either a legitimate leftist new site or a leftist themed nujob conspiracy mill (though I don’t know how that would work).

        • @Ton
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          71 month ago

          Bingo. Slowly turn them onto each other…

        • @captainlezbian
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          130 days ago

          The global oil cartel and billionaires such as the Koch family are funding media and politicians to convince you and your neighbors to continue burning oil and using plastics recklessly with zero regard for the fact that they’ve known for decades that this is increasing global temperatures and killing people. It’s right under your noses folks, and they don’t want you to notice. They’re even running secret campaigns on social media to convince you to spend more time hating your neighbors and to convince you to be angry about policies that not only hinder their nefarious plans but grant you the freedom to choose how you get around town while reducing traffic! They’re even boldly lying to your face about this! Look with your eyes! November used to be snowy! Nowadays the fine people of the Midwest are wearing shorts in October and these corporations and cartels are telling you that the climate isn’t changing and that it’s not a problem! [incoherent shirtless screaming]

      • @[email protected]
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        201 month ago

        leftist themed nujob conspiracy mill

        The Republican party is ripe for conspiracy theory targets.

        Epstein had close ties with Trump and his attorney general Bill Barr (whose father hired Epstein to teach at a prestigious private high school without a college degree, where he was known for ogling the high school girls and showing up to parties where underage drinking was happening). The waitresses and hostesses at Trump’s Mar a Lago were also regularly recruited to work at Epstein’s island. Alex Acosta, the federal prosecutor who agreed to a secret plea deal where Epstein served a slap on the wrist in a local jail instead of real prison was later elevated to Trump’s cabinet, as Labor Secretary.

        Now, Trump has named another child sex trafficker as his nominee for Attorney General.

        There are suspicious ties between the Saudi royal family and key members in Trump’s orbit, including his son in law Jared Kushner. Elon Musk has been doing sketchy shit with the Saudis and the Russians, as well. Basically everyone in Trump’s circle, including his nominee to be the director of national intelligence, has shady ties with foreign adversaries.

        There’s lots of other little things about financial profiteering by the Trump folks: an SBA COVID bailout that went to huge businesses, a move to privatize or sabotage the public postal service and the weather service to help the private competition, arbitrary or politically motivated regulations to help certain businesses while hurting others, etc.

        I mean, it really wouldn’t be hard.

        • @[email protected]
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          21 month ago

          The hard part would be doing it in a way that pulls in the kind of people who listened to Alex Jones.

      • Cethin
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        1 month ago

        I’m hoping for something similar to what The Colbert Report used to be.

  • Billiam
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    541 month ago

    very funny, very stupid

    Well, their work is half done already!

    • @Cheems
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      81 month ago

      Make reality boring again

  • Eugene V. Debs' Ghost
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    531 month ago

    Fucking awesome. Onion has been hitting it hard lately, and this is just the cherry on top. I am hopeful this makes some chuds question their minds.

  • qyron
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    501 month ago

    This is what I call a master class on starting a soft revolution: you take over a symbol of the opposite ideology, in the most outrageous and ridiculous way, make it known to all, and completely subvert it and deconstruct it, piece by piece, until it stops making any sense to its former self.

  • @dejected_warp_core
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    501 month ago

    For me, the cherry on top is how the “InfoWars” name is still completely apt, for completely different reasons.

    • @Duamerthrax
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      251 month ago

      Reformatting InfoWars as a serious, unironic branch of the Onion that deals with misinformation would just be great.

      • @captainlezbian
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        230 days ago

        That would be hilarious. I’d love for it to wind up just doing serious journalism

    • Flying Squid
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      51 month ago

      Every so often, I see a car with an InfoWars bumper sticker.

      I wonder what those people will do?

      • @dejected_warp_core
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        21 month ago

        No idea. Maybe they’ll keep it like the Gadsden Flag holdout libertarians? “We were here first” and all that.

        Honestly, I was thinking about the people out there with tattoos. There has to be at least one.

      • FauxPseudo
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        21 month ago

        I am waiting for the next episode to drop. Biggest episode ever.

        • @[email protected]
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          1 month ago

          Is Dan the loud one? I’ve never learned their names, but I’m waiting for him to scream something about them horning in on their territory.

          • FauxPseudo
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            31 month ago

            Dan is the guy that knows stuff. Jordan is the loud sidekick comic relief.

        • @[email protected]
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          171 month ago

          If Alex Jones becomes press secretary, I’ll be convinced that this is all a simulation.

          • @[email protected]
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            51 month ago

            I would love that. The only person on earth less coherent than Trump. Imagine the memes we would get out of that.

  • @Aeri
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    481 month ago

    Counterpoint, it was already stupid.

    • @Godnroc
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      431 month ago

      Yes, but this time it will be on purpose.