This is one of the best Onion articles ever. Read the whole thing.
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Legit LOLed at this bit:
“I noticed that David had lost a lot of weight over the past couple of months, especially when he came in with his arm torn off,” fellow claims adjuster Kevin Delano said.
the growing problem affects one in every 29 million Americans, and one in every 80 Congolese
Fantastic
“According to the foundation’s website, the growing problem affects one in every 29 million Americans, and one in every 80 Congolese.”
Fucking lol
I dunno, i am very partial to this one
https://theonion.com/it-is-journalism-s-sacred-duty-to-endanger-the-lives-of-1850126997/
For more evidence of our time-honored journalistic commitment to endangering lives, please see our previous coverage of gay people, immigrants, Black people, and women.
I said one of the best, not the best. There are other terrific ones too like https://theonion.com/why-do-all-these-homosexuals-keep-sucking-my-cock-1819583529/
My personal all time favorite is this one: https://theonion.com/general-motors-introduces-new-instant-win-airbags-1819564102/
https://theonion.com/fuck-everything-were-doing-five-blades-1819584036/
That one, for me, although I also note that 5 blade razors are now a thing…
But you know what happened next? Shut up, I’m telling you what happened—the bastards went to four blades. Now we’re standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we’re the chumps. Well, fuck it. We’re going to five blades.
It was also basically a “news” article version of an SNL mock ad from the 70s about a 3-bladed razor with the tagline, “because you’ll buy anything.”
Fuck this one was funny
Signed by the whole editorial board
The only two I can read are Ted’s and Steve’s (and Joe’s first name?), but the only one I know is Ted. Who are the others?
I believe that the first one is (fictional) The Onion publisher T. Herman Zweibel, the second one is hockey hall-of-famer Joe Sakic (who wore jersey number 19), and the 5th one looks like Mary Kay Letourneau (who infamously got pregnant with her 12-year-old student). Number 4, I can’t make out.
Steve Hannah is the old CEO of the onion, I’ve been trying to figure out the rest
Also, anyone notice that this took place in Roanoke, VA? Where they’re especially known for gorilla attacks?
General Electric used to have a big factory in Roanoke, so I’m guessing the gorillas are a result of industrial pollution from some sort of superfund site that has yet to be cleaned up.
G.E. Corporation = Gorilla Experimentation Corporation.
Wake up sheeple!
So being woke is good? Make up your mind!
Would it be better to die from gorilla in your sleep?
Gorilla infestations again!
Well, what I want to know is, who TF is downvoting The Onion?!?
People are probably downvoting it because I posted it. 🙄
Some very pathetic person goes through my history regularly and downvotes everything.
Well I see you post regularly, and am always grateful for the white-hot memes, shitpost, and factoids! Ty you flying horror. Seriously though squids are gross.
You’re welcome and we are not!
Probably a squid that’s very jealous about your flying ability
Gliding Squid is a vindictive person
Makes sense. Water-based assholes.
On reddit I used to downvote a popular poster because they were dominating the space. Not sure that was the right thing to do but don’t take it personal, just keep on doing your thing.
I don’t take it personally, I think whoever is doing it is very silly.
Silly?!
Maybe people who don’t like “wait for it”, “read the whole thing”, or “watch to the end”.
Don’t tell me to do it, tell me why I should do it.
I thought it was a good suggesting considering, IMO, a lot of Onion headlines are the whole joke and the article just expands on it.
Should have found a common enemy like I did, me and my gorilla are good friends now, I was one of his groomsmen at his 4th wedding, good bloke.
That’s so sad! I had no idea he was fighting Gorilla! Thoughts and prayers.
I’m sending healing vibes.
Surpised the Onion doesn’t include a writing credit for the article. Apparently this was posted in 2009 and I’m curious to see wjat the author has been up to since then
Probably a team effort, or at least a team spirit.
I’m curious if “former onion writer” is up there with snl and Simpsons writers in terms of industry respect.
Wow, this one brought back memories. I think at the time I considered having a David Seaborne Foundation Fun-Run for the Cure t-shirt made.
I don’t get it, is it just funny because gorilla or is there a correlation to some illness?
This is every cancer victim news story (at least in the US), just with gorilla-related stuff substituted in.
His name? Norm Macdonald.
Why didn’t he just shoot the gorilla? Is he stupid?
Don’t victim-blame. Someone you love could be afflicted with the heartbreak of gorilla attacks.
Gorillas are not stupid.
Ive never seen one teaching class
Someone’s never been to Gorilla City.
You’re never going to become master of the Earth without a classical liberal arts education.
That G isn’t teaching class - he’s holding court!
Yeah, but who do you think taught him world domination skills? That can’t be self-taught!
Very true. They didn’t even offer that as an elective in my school :(
With what? and where? A silverback gorilla is no joke, David would need a shotgun and a will of steel to properly aim and fire at a 400lb monster trying to kill him.
400lb
Five hundred and twelve. Just saying it makes me quake in fearr. David was such a brave man to face such a force off nature.
This is why America needs universal animal control
Like Obamakill.
Mike Tyson: NOOOO, IT SHOULD’VE BEEN ME, NOT HIM!
